To feel sick at this bit of information?

[vshockedhp]

My mum died when I was 14. It's fair to say I was a gawky 14 year old - puppy fat and braces .

Anyway we have a relative who isn't a pleasant person and I will call her Pat. I was talking to my sister the other day who is older than me - she was 19 when we lost mum - and she said how she used to hate being compared growing up and then dropped this bombshell:
'Oh yeah and you must have hated it too when she said how cheated she felt that you were just like Pat.'

I was

I can't believe my mum said that - aibu or is that awful? I can't believe she felt cheated by the daughter she got.

Sorry to hear that you are really upset about this. But you don't know the context or the tone. I very often (jokingly) comment on how my DCs look just like DP and not at all like me, and I say stuff like I've been cheated or that I was just the incubator for DP's genes. It's all just jokes and I don't seriously feel remotely bothered by it. Similarly, your mum could have made an off-hand remark - perhaps joking about some minor thing you'd done that was the sort of thing that Pat would do. From what you've said, you simply don't have enough info to conclude that this was a sombre, earnest comment by your mum.

Are you sure your mum really said that?
Could your sister just be trying to get a rise out of you?
Whether your mum said it or not, your sister was mean to tell you so long after the event. The only purpose was to hurt you, and she achieved that.
Maybe your mum made a totally innocent comment and your sister miss interpreted it?
Try not to let it bother you, I know its hard, but try to remember the good times you had with your mum, they are more important than this hear say.

your sister is out of order (I've got one like that too)

maybe your sister is just stirring and nothing of the sort was ever thought or said by your mum about you? maybe she is not deliberately being nasty, but mis-remembering and mis-quoting? Maybe your mum ONCE commented ruefully that you looked more like Pat than you did like her, but not that you were in any way nasty like her?

Don't let "what ifs" ruin your memories of your mum, would be my advice.

Or ask your sister for clarification.

But try not to dwell on it. We all say stupid things which are best forgotten.

I agree with others - you cannot possible know whether she said this at all, and if she did then what context she might have said it in, how she might have meant it or whether your sister has completely misremembered or misunderstood what she said.
Don't let one comment ruin your memories of your mum.

No my sister isn't stirring. She isn't like that - she obviously thought I knew and was upset she'd let it out.

My mum wasn't prone to 'jokey' comments and tbh even if it had been said 'jokingly' she'd have meant it.

Plus from what sister was saying it wasn't once she said it but several times. She also used to tell my sister she was cheated - as in both her children were a disappointment. My mum could say some very cruel stuff but I thought id dealt with it but this is a shock

Your sister is saying that you heard your mum saying this - 'you must have hated...'

Obviously you didn't or you would have been shocked and hurt back then.

So if your sister got it wrong that you heard your mum saying it, then what else did she get wrong? The words, the attitude, the intent?

People don't always remember correctly and even if they've seen or heard something, they get the wrong end of the stick.

If your mum never said this to you or made you feel bad in this way, I'd just put it behind me as a mistake on your sister's part. Something tiny and irrelevant, to be forgotten.

I know people are just trying to make me feel better by saying oh, must have heard it wrong or must have been a mistake.

But this is the sort of thing I can totally imagine my hmm having said. It isn't like the was the sort of mum who wouldn't dream of saying such a hurtful thing as she was.

For some reason this has really affected me and I don't know why. It feels like she didn't even like me!

Sorry you're so hurt.

bless you. I am wary to say much, but it sounds like its very tough to process as reading here it sounds like your mum was not very nice to you?

so you have a funny mix of grief, loss and anger as she was maybe quite hurtful

Its a really nasty complex mix of empotions- and if you continue to struggle definately get some help to help you process

do you have good relations with the rest of your family OP?

Well I'm sorry you feel so shocked by this, but if your mum really was that sort of person, and you are well aware of it, then it would have been just as insulting for her to say you were exactly like her as you feel it is for her to say you are more like Pat.

Put it behind you and move on. None of it can be undone, don't let your mum's yesterday ruin your today and tomorrows

If your mum really did say that, and if she really did say it seriously and cruelly, then this was a fault in her, not a fault in you. Personally, I can't imagine feeling 'cheated' by having the children I've had, even if they end up doing something awful.

No doubt you will need to take some time to process this, but I hope you will not take it to reflect any flaw in you. Your mum said something unkind, and you will need to decide whether you can forgive her.

Very good point, phantom!