to expect more?

[Curlyweasel]

Sorry in advance for the rant..

So, I'm back at work full time after 12 weeks' maternity leave. We had to make the decision for DP to become a SAHD (I earn more and childcare costs would have wiped out pretty much all of his salary - plus he worked shifts, so he wouldn't have seen much of the DC or me from one week to the next). It was both a financial and quality of life decision that we both made.

During my maternity leave, I managed to get up early so as to get the baby and myself ready to take DD to school every day (was breastfeeding on demand at the time too, so not much sleep). I also managed (just) to keep on top of the housework and washing, plus attend appointments, organise out of school/after school activities for DD etc.

When we talked about DP being a SAHD, I did stress how busy he was going to be and that he shouldn't underestimate how much needs to be done and how organised he needed to be. He told me not to worry and that he had it in hand. Plus, school holidays were coming up, so it would be an ideal time as he'd have a gentle introduction to the job...

Since coming back to work, I haven't once returned to a clean house. I have to ask him to do things (which makes me mad because why do I need to ask him to hoover up?) and he gets all defensive if I do something myself (e.g. putting a wash on, or cleaning the kitchen floor). He tells me that it's so time consuming looking after a baby, that sometimes he just can't get any jobs around the house done - despite his best intentions.

In addition to this, I'm also feeling bad for DD and feel crap leaving for work every morning knowing that he won't have come up with anything interesting for her to do during the holidays.

It's all bad timing I guess with me returning to work at the start of the summer break, but really - am I being unreasonable to expect DP to get more done with the amount of time he has on his hands? Am I being too demanding? Should I just back off and let him enjoy this time he'll never get back and bond with the baby (his first)?

I am a bit of a neat freak and will admit a teeny bit controlling, but if he's this fucking lazy dis-organised about things now, how the hell is he going to cope next week when DD's back at school?

So. Do I need to give him a break or a slap?

I think he is doing his best. But it's not good enough and I think he needs to raise his game. There. I've said it.

And rightly so! No room for slackers on the anotherchaper ship!

Washing up after I cooked dinner. Putting washing out to dry occasionally. He hasn't cleaned the bathroom in the 3 years we've been together

Too late now, but it would have been a good idea to have a dry run before he made the commitment.

I do remember how tiring looking after little ones were though - I certainly never found it easy. Hope you can both talk this through.

So if looking after the child is a full time job, how come nannies are expected to clear up after then selves, clean up after lunch etc and do 'nursery' duties?

I think the very fact it is the school hols isn't helping your DP settle into the new role. Massive lie ins, all the play groups and stuff being closed, no school run, no routine. When the schools go back and your DD is out the house he may just get it a bit better.

And if not, go on a nice meal out and you can both have a catch up about how you think it's going. Let hi have his say too don't just tell him off for being "lazy."

is he totally clueless about what needs doing then?

Sorry - just finished cooking! He did have a dry run - had 4 weeks paternity leave and we got routine down pat. He knows what needs doing - just can't seem to get round to doing it. Anyway - have been feeling bad, so have sent him off to snooker so I can do a proper clean he can relax x x

Maybe you should have expected more from him in the beginning?

It's going to take time...