To want to bring it up again

[weelittlething]

DH and I had an argument the other night. It started off being about him being rude -he was on his computer looking up rumours about video games when we had company, and when someone asked what it was about he said "you wouldn't understand", and when I tried to subtly prompt him "hey it's just a new character" he actually SHUSHED me. It then somehow turned into an argument about how tired he was when he got back in from work to find the house a mess because he had to then clean it up.

Now I'm at home with high needs baby DD all day on maternity leave, so I find it difficult to get some things done (emptying bins, dishwasher etc.) but I feel like I do do a lot around the house. I cook every night, do all the shopping, pick up laundry off the floor etc. so I was really hurt that he said I didn't pull my weight. He also said that if he were home with DD he'd still be expected to do all the chores (which I find unfair as the house was spotless when I was on mat leave before DD arrived).

The discussion kind of fizzled out and it ended up being about "him being defensive" and "me not seeing his POV", as these things often do. We cuddled and made up.

But part of me still feels really hurt and I feel like I need to tread on eggshells about cleaning/chores around him now. I find myself saying "could you do this please, or if you don't want to I'll do it after she's in bed". Another part of me wants to just stop doing everything I do around the house and see if he realises how much that actually is. (Vindictive, I know.)

I just kind of want to clear the air and hash it out but I do have a track record of not letting things go when I should. AIBU?

Don't do it on a "clear the air" way, but in a couple of days sit down and say you want to sort out cleaning and chores with him, calmly pointing out what is involved in looking after the baby and why you can't get everything done.

If its bothering you then yes bring it up again, there's no point in seething silently. Bring up his rudeness too and don't let him divert you or tell you you're not letting it go early enough. You are equals in this relationship!

"could you do this please, or if you don't want to I'll do it after she's in bed"

I think don't go there - you are just supporting his totally unreasonable pov. Where is it stated that women do the housework as a default and anything more is a bonus. It is a partnership and looking after a baby is just as demanding waaay more demanding that being at work. So don't be a martyr, don't apologise don't be vindictive. Just make list of chores and split them. You taking the lions share as you have more opportunity while you are at home in the day. But it is not a given that you do the house that way Then you don't have to ask him.

It is quite sad that it would come to this - as it is supposed to be that you support each other not have to negotiate into doing what it takes to make a nice home for your DD. Maybe he will see that if you also bugger off for a day out leaving him with DD!

How did he end up making this about the housework? Classic distraction! He shouldn't have been rude to the guest or you. He knew he was wrong and deflected it on to you. Now you're defensive and discussing who does what around the house. He was rude, he should acknowledge that, apologise and more importantly see what he needs to do differently, like interacting with guests instead of going on the computer. Don't let him change the subject. When that's sorted discuss the housework, try sorting out a rota together so it's understood what is expected of both of you.

Well hang on a bit though, I know it's difficult when you're at home with a clingy baby but shouldn't the person at home be doing the lions share of the housework? I don't think it's about gender: I would say the same if the woman was going lit to work and came back to a messy house

He shouldn't have been rude but I wouldn't bring it up again myself.

Your job while at home with the baby is to look after the baby. Any chores/housework you get done in that time is a bonus. When your DH is at home, all chores and all leisure time should be split 50:50. I have a crawling/cruising nearly 10mo and get an hour when she's napping to do some housework (and mn ), and can usually manage to prepare dinner, prepare baby's meals, run the Hoover round, unload dishwasher and maybe stick a clothes wash on. Everything else has to get done in the evenings/weekends, and we share this equally.