Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish DH would just bloody leave for work on time

78 replies

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 27/08/2014 08:00

DH is always late. When we have to go somewhere I'm standing in the hall at the time I've said we need to leave, which is when he'll start trying to find his sunglasses/keys/wallet. The only way we can leave on time is if I follow him around asking where his stuff is and hurrying him up.

At the moment he works in another city which is an hour's drive away - every single night he says "I'll need to leave at X time tomorrow because I need to be in at Y time to do Z". And every single morning he leaves late, comes back for things he's forgotten, arrives in his workplace way later than he planned and then ends up coming home late as he has to stay and make up the hours.
This morning he was supposed to get the train (he usually drives), knew what time the train was at, arsed around until he's not left enough time to get to the station and is now leaving on a much later train meaning he will be back really late tonight.

I know this is a small, petty thing (and he is an awesome man and lovely DH) but it is driving me crackers that he can't just get his ass up out of bed, get dressed and go to bloody work on time! I can't believe that his employer doesn't notice that he's always late.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 27/08/2014 08:39

Funky I go one step further than your OH. My suit is hanging up with my wallet, keys, phone, and loose change in the right pockets. Not that I'm obsessive.

scortja · 27/08/2014 08:41

My husband comes back for something. Every. Single. Day.

And we both say "Why leave once, when you can leave twice?" And grin wryly at each other, resentment festering.

StillWishihadabs · 27/08/2014 08:45

Am I allowed to say this sounds very passive-aggressive to me. Not very helpful really I know. You have my sympathies dh is very similar and df also. (Pattern here?) my dh made me late for school everyday of my primary education until I started taking myself in year 5. My dm was regularly looking out of the window with dinner ready after the time he said he'd be back. His employers clearly don't mind, so I think I would suggest you just realign your expectations. Eg you know he won't be home till x o clock so plan accordingly. This might involve eating before he gets home.

deakymom · 27/08/2014 08:46

i have changed ALL the clocks in the house including the watch and mobile phones

MaryWestmacott · 27/08/2014 08:51

I think you need to sit him down tonight, and say you hate the fact you feel like you have to mother him every single day or he's late. So you're going to stop - would he like to talk about how he's going to manage to be out of the house on time as you also expect him to start being on time.

Start by suggesting he does not have time to iron shirts in the morning, that it actually takes him 50 minutes to get ready to leave, not 30 (or alter to whatever seems to be the norm), that he often needs time to think about everything he needs, so needs to allocate that and so really needs to be out of bed (not just waking up) at XXX time.

But you are not going to organise this for him, but you will be very angry if he's late so has to stay late at work from now on. His being disorganised negatively effects you, so tell him and tell him you think he's being selfish and not respecting your family time by wasting it each day.

Dont change the clocks, he needs to realise he needs to allow more time, not to think that he's doing amazingly well and can do the drive in 15 minutes less...

RabbitRabbit78 · 27/08/2014 08:52

As others have said... You're his wife not his mum. He's an adult.

Stop getting him up and organising him, as you're enabling his faffing. It's his job and his responsibility, so just leave him to it.

worldgonecrazy · 27/08/2014 08:55

That is extremely annoying behaviour. I would leave him be - you are not his mother and it is not your responsibility to ensure he leaves the house on time.

If he is late for dinner, so what. Yes, it would be nice to spend time with him, but a few weeks of dried up dinners left in the oven and he might start changing his ways.

Why should YOU have to change when it is HIS problem?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 27/08/2014 08:56

Oh I feel your pain.

The problem is it sounds like he just likes fannying around. If you get him to iron his shorts the night before he will find some other random task to complete 10 minutes after he was meant to leave.

I takes my dh 1 to 1 1/2 hours each morning to get himself ready for work, he works flexi do if he's late in he works later and it's not an issue for him. I however am stuck at home trying to juggle two tired kids and trying to keep dinner warm and not burnt for another 10 minutes because he's late - again Angry

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/08/2014 08:56

This would send me loopy.

I am a chronic clock watcher and have to be early for everything, I was at the church before dh at our wedding, we went around the roundabout twiceBlush.

You need to get cross and spell out how frustrating it is to see him faffing around, ultimately it's his responsibility to get himself out and about on time.

You have my sympathies, I may have cracked if he was my dh Grin

MrsWinnibago · 27/08/2014 08:57

My DH is the same and it MADDENS me. I don't know the answer. My DH can't seem to judge how long things take him...and like yours, he forgets multiple things. One thing he does is leave the house, lock up and then remember he forgot to brush his teeth!

How the feck do you forget that!??

He seems to wander about a lot....I don't know how to make it change.

Longtalljosie · 27/08/2014 08:57

I'm not sure you need to keep it a secret -just say you've decided not to chivvy him out of the house any more and just stick to it. After a few late days he'll probably leave the same time he usually does. Not any earlier though, I fear...

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 27/08/2014 08:57

I did try the leave his dinner cold on the side and it annoyed me more than him Hmm

ApocalypseNowt · 27/08/2014 09:01

My DH is like this. No matter how much time he has to get ready he always manages to be late. If he has 20 mins to get ready he takes 25 mins. If he has 1 hour to get ready he takes 1hr 5mins. It's like he wants to be late.

Boils. My. Piss.

What really bugs me is he drops DD1 off at the childminder. I really don't want her to be the 'late kid' who's never on time. It's not nice for her but i don't know what i can do. Nor do i want to do anything....i'm not his mum....

MrsKoala · 27/08/2014 09:06

You have my sympathy OP.

I have the opposite problem - DH just walks out of the house when he is ready (usually much earlier than necessary). It means everything else is left to me. If we are going out together he shouts from the front door 'see you outside' then i hear the door slam. All the windows are open, wet towel on the floor, stuff everywhere, nappy bag isn't packed, ds has no coat or shoes on etc. He then moans he is always waiting for me Angry

QuietNinjaTardis · 27/08/2014 09:09

Dh is like this. He used to be 5-10 mins late for work every single day. Then he decided to stop being late so he would get up an hour earlier and leave early which worked. Now he's self employed it's not a problem but if we have to go anywhere he faffs so much and I normally end up shouting because we will be late. Drives me potty. He readily admits he has a mental block about timings. Also portion sizes. He always hugely over estimates portion sizes and ends up with spaghetti falling off his plate not relevant

Original poster
PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 27/08/2014 09:10

still wish, whenshewasbad the thing is, it annoys me that he'd (apparently) rather waste time faffing around in the morning than get home from work at a reasonable hour to enjoy a nice meal, watch a film etc.

I think I'll have to suggest shirt ironing, bag packing etc and also start leaving the bed very early - although that's not a guarantee he'll get up he refuses to get up when I have a lie in even when he has to work that day. So I can't have a lie in.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 27/08/2014 09:13

YES ^^^ quietninja this is so my DH - if we're working out when to go somewhere/how long a task will take/how long it will take to walk to a certain place he always thinks it will take up to 15-20 mins less time than it actually does.
He has made me late for doctor's appointments etc via this "it'll take 5 mins to get there" attitude so now I just leave.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2014 09:17

I have this problem with my DS, who always wants a wee at the last minute and always seems to need a couple of minutes more time than there actually is available. But DS is 9 and I am hoping to have beaten it out of him before he grows up.

Phineyj · 27/08/2014 09:22

If I were you, OP, I'd leave 'for work' earlier and sit in a cafe, or take up early morning gym visits -- then you're not in the house being annoyed by it. In the evenings, just feed yourself (something he can heat up, if you're feeling generous). I hate it when other adults force you into the 'mum' role!

Naicecuppatea · 27/08/2014 09:24

OP, why can't you have a lie in? Are you saying that if you're still in bed he just won't get up at all, despite the fact that he has a job to go to? If this is the case you really must step back and let him learn the hard way how to get himself ready in the mornings. Forget about the evenings and spending time together for now. Perhaps just leave off cooking his dinner as you think he'll be back so late that he won't want to eat in the evenings.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds like some action is needed.

Original poster
PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 27/08/2014 09:28

naice I presume he would get up eventually but usually what happens is that him being in the bed and his alarms going off repeatedly wake me, and then I get up which makes him get up (by now late).
I've never actually just stayed in bed because by then I am too annoyed to sleep

OP posts:
ElephantsNeverForgive · 27/08/2014 09:28

YANBU DH works partly from home and is always finding this and finishing that.

He also makes me breakfast which is lovely, but sometimes I want some head space and to get the washing on and the day started without tripping over him.

MaryWestmacott · 27/08/2014 09:30

OP - perhaps you need to sit him down and explain how it negatively effects you, and perhaps say that it makes you feel like he's doing it deliberately so that he can 'opt out' of family time in the evenings.

Along with telling him you won't nag him, but if he wants to ask you for your help to time check each bit for the morning and plan the night before, that would be fine. (So breaking it down, if he wants to leave at 8am, he needs to be sorting bag, shoes, coat etc at 7:50am, he needs to be eating breakfast at 7:35am at the latest, he needs to be out of the shower ready to get dressed and do hair at 7:20am, so he needs to go into the bathroom at 7am, not getting up at 7:15am then being surprised he's late because he's had lots of time)

MaryWestmacott · 27/08/2014 09:33

oh and re the alarm, tell him it's being very rude to have hte alarm going off over and over so ensuring you have to wake up.

It sounds like he doesn't think about his actions- he doesn't think about how his actions in the morning will have the effect of making him late, he does'nt think about how his actions with the alarm would negative effect you, he doesn't think about how being late in the morning will effect you in the evenings. It sounds like stuff just happens and he doesn't get that a) he can control them and b) other people are affected by his choices.

Point out the negative effects and ask him to plan to change. If he does actually care about how he effects you, he'll at least try to change. If not he really doesn't give a shit.

Elefant1 · 27/08/2014 09:35

I have this problem with my DD (16), I take her to school on my way to work and she regularly makes me late. She seems to be unable to understand that if she is always 10 minutes late then she needs to get up 10 minutes earlier! On days I don't work I leave her to it and let her be late.
You should not be having worry about another adult getting to work on time, just get on with whatever you need to do in the morning (even if that involves staying in bed!) and leave him to sort himself out.