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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Discovered 11 yr old daughter has facebook account. Thoughts/advice?

26 replies

yerblurt2 · 26/08/2014 14:22

Hi, I know this is a probably a constant thread but it's holidays and I don't have a huge time to look through things.

Daughter is 11 (12 in december), going into secondary school this september, although she looks about 14/15 (she's 5ft 3, has a pretty well developed bosom, wears 14 year old clothes / can fit into a size 10).

She's pretty world-wise, but I've just found out by accident she's got a facebook account (hadn't logged out just closed browser window so when I put facebook into the address bar, her account opens). Had a quick look through her friends list (44), mostly school friends and family of her mothers boyfriend. Nothing too obviously worrisome for me. Had a quick scan through chat logs and it just hello's to school friends, few group chats of school friends, nothing to worry me too much.

Anyway, I'm a bit annoyed at not being told, she did ask me if she could have a facebook account this week and I said, not really as the age limit is 13.... of course she's already got one and chat log time stamps are from june/july so she's had one for a wee while anyway. Hmmmph.

The thing worrying me is her profile pic which is the typical selfie, with her with make up, lippy etc. The pics on her profile are of teddies etc and another selfie - with make up on. She looks about 15/16 in them ffs. So NOT happy about that.

Eldest lives in a shared care/shared residence arrangement with me and the ex, but daughter spends most of her time at her mums. We half share the holidays so eldest is her for a couple of weeks atm for the summer. Communication between me and the ex is pretty minimal and she does as much to exclude me from daughter's life as possible. I've posted in the past of my parenting stuff and how eldest feels a bit in the middle :( ... hard trying to keep the fallout from her.

Anyway, what I'm wondering is how have other parents approached this? I'm more worried about stalking/bullying. I'm also NOT happy about her pics and will warn her about putting pictures that are basically in the public domain, how not just her friends will see them, but the friends-friends. I'm also acutely aware of how she looks about 15/16 in these face selfies.

My initial thoughts are that I'm not going to OTT at her, but discuss this with her. That she has to be very careful about the internet and facebook, that friends-of-friends will have access to her site. To not put any personal information like email/phone numbers up (she has a mobile but not a smartphone, I'm not happy about that until she's about 14).

I would like access to her facebook account and think this is fair enough considering she's 11 1/2. I'm not going to stalk her, just make sure she's OK. We've got a pretty good relationship and can talk about most things but obviously I would prefer to have had this discussed between me and the ex rather than finding out by acccident

OP posts:

ilovepowerhoop · 26/08/2014 14:27

my kids have facebook accounts. They are on my friends list and I have their log in details so I can check what is on their news feed. Most of their friends have accounts too. I would also check her security settings so that her details can't be seen by all and sundry and can only be accessed if the people are on her friends list.

andmyunpopularopionis · 26/08/2014 14:30

Firstly you cannot stop her having one anyway. I know kids who have opened them up using fake names. I eventually said dd could have one but invited all our friends and family to be her friend. That way someone is always aware of what's going on. We went through the internet safety stuff and still discuss it today. I think the bigger issue is the forums etc. that you and I would never join and therefore have no visibility of.. Like Ask etc.

So basically ensure she knows the risks and keep an eye on it. But it is better she has one you know about than one you know nothing about.

CompletelyStumped · 26/08/2014 14:31

That's a tough one, if I found out my daughter had an account at that age I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all and delete it, fb has an age restriction for a reason. However in your case it's highly likely that her mother already knows she has it and if you demanded access to it then her mother is likely to get her to change the password if relations are strained.

Perhaps make her change her privacy settings so that pictures and anything she posts can be seen by friends only, I'm sure there's a setting that stops friends of friends being able to see as well. And obviously discuss Internet safety with her, that's hugely important.

Best of luck to you, sorry I don't have any useful advice.

finallydelurking · 26/08/2014 14:32

You sound like you have a v sensible attitude to social media. Just talk to your daughter about it, everything you've said here. She's better off having her parents knowing what accounts she has and monitoring them rather than an outright ban.

exexpat · 26/08/2014 14:33

DS had a Facebook account from age ten/the end of year 6, as a way of keeping in touch with friends going on to other schools, and also friends/family abroad. For the first couple of years I made sure I had his password so could check exactly what he was doing on there, and also make sure his security settings were very tight.

Yes, I would have a calm chat with her about it, and say you will agree to her to keeping the account but you need access to make sure she stays safe online. You might want to check on who can see her profile pictures, for example, if you think they make her look too old. Do you think her mum helped her set it up and has access?

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2014 15:05

So, general question.

Where you think there's no point in banning because they'll set up a fake account, what's to stop them doing just that if you insist on being a 'friend' or having their passwords?

SisterMoonshine · 26/08/2014 15:47

Would she let you be her friend so long as you assured her you won't comment on anything?
As you will spot anything untoward before she does.

KoalaDownUnder · 26/08/2014 15:55

I don't have kids, but I have friends with pre-teen daughters who were in the same situation. They both refused to let their daughters have a FB account until they were 13.

I wouldn't want my (hypothetical) daughter to have pictures of herself on FB in makeup when she was 11, either.

Personally, I think you should present a united front with your ex-wife and tell your daughter she has to close her account. Eleven is not 13. I also wouldn't be happy that she lied to you about it (lying by omission by asking if she could have one, without mentioning that she already did )

Mrsjayy · 26/08/2014 15:58

I would be annoyed ban her from the device for a week then let her have facebook talk to her about the dangers of secret online accounts and safety

Mrsjayy · 26/08/2014 16:04

How I used to handle when mine were younger was to say of course I trust you and want you to have fun on the interenet but not everybody is as sensible as you dear I just want you to be safe and enjoy social network it was bloody bebo when dd1 was 11 that was a bloody nightmare. And I am not snooping on you

exexpat · 26/08/2014 16:09

"fb has an age restriction for a reason" - the reason is US data protection laws relating to personal information for under 13s. The same goes for gmail accounts, yahoo accounts etc. See this article on the federal law in question.

It is nothing to do with 13-year-olds suddenly being mature enough to handle Facebook when 11/12-year-olds are not, and only applies to British under-13s because Facebook is based in the US.

Sallyingforth · 26/08/2014 16:16

If you let her know it's OK to lie about her age to get on FB, how will she know it's not OK to lie for underage drink, tobacco, sex?

Notso · 26/08/2014 16:21

My daughter is 14 now and is on Facebook, she has been from 13 and was the last in her group of friends to get an account.
I am not her friend, I don't want her seeing the things people post on my wall.
She is only allowed to put stuff on there that she would be happy for me to see.
She is only allowed to be friends with under 16's that she has met.
Very recently she broke this rule, friended someone she thought she recognised and he messages her pretending to be a model photographer asked her to meet up for a photo shoot and send him pictures of her.
Thankfully I check her FB every so often and saw the messages, the police were contacted but couldn't really do anything though they confirmed he was a fake.
They sent someone around to chat to DD and me about internet safety, although most of it was stuff that we had already discussed coming from a Policeman made it a bit more official for her. He told her I was not spying on her just keeping her safe.
What worried me was that from speaking to her friends over 80 of them had been messaged by this fake person saying the same things. None of them had reported it to FB, the police or told their parents.

SistersOfPercy · 26/08/2014 16:36

I think there are bigger battles personally. Have a chat about safe useage of social networks and only adding people she knows in real life. Make sure her privacy settings are secure and her photos etc visible to friends only.

Asheth · 26/08/2014 16:39

I let my Ds have Facebook just before he turned 12. I helped him to set his privacy settings. I also friended him. He seems to use it mainly for chatting to save money on texts! He'll be 13 soon and i'm glad it was set up while he was still young enough to let me help.

diddl · 26/08/2014 16:47

If she has got it with her mum's permission, I'm not sure that you can do anything.

shebird · 26/08/2014 16:55

There are lots of 10&11 year olds in DDs class that have FB and Instagram accounts. I have made DD aware of the age restrictions and shown her the terms online so she knows those are the rules and it is not just me saying it. I know I will have to give in at some point but I hope that as time passes she will have the maturity to deal with it. I realise that mostly harmless chat but I have would issues with the make up and photos at 11. There is just too much pressure to grow up fast well before they are mature enough to cope with all that it entails.

diddl · 26/08/2014 17:40

OP, do you have FB?

if so, is your daughter likely to come up as "someone you may know"?

Perhaps you could use that as a way of opening a dialogue?

diddl · 26/08/2014 17:41

Also, is her mum not likely to have had a talk about internet safety?

CompletelyStumped · 26/08/2014 18:35

I didn't realise the age restriction was only for data protection, I assumed it was to keep young children (though even then 13 is still quite young) safe, my mistake, sorry.

lecherrs · 26/08/2014 19:07

My DD (10) has an Instagram account. I have found that by letting her have it early, I have been able to check it and we have lots of conversations about rules / what is / is not appropriate etc. I've found that because DD is younger and wants to keep the account she's willing to listen about safety and she often asks me how to handle things.

Some of our rules are:

I check and set privacy settings (to the max!)
Profile pictures are never of her. She can use any other picture she likes, but she's not in it. Other pictures are set to friends only.
She only adds friends that are children and people she knows. If she doesn't know them, they're not added.
We talk regularly about tone and appropriate comments esp about some of the games (like hot or not, vote offs and chain messages).

Personally, I'd rather have my child on Facebook whereby we could discuss it, rather than her doing it behind my back. But my thoughts are probably affected by the fact I teach teenagers, so I know some of the tricks they get up to, to keep their parents in the dark .

sashh · 26/08/2014 19:17

One thing to mention to her.

Her teachers can see what she has put.

PortofinoRevisited · 26/08/2014 19:42

I am bit concerned that her bosom is one of the first things you mention. Her appearance and clothes size has nothing to do with anything. 11 yos shouldn't be doing "typical selfies" with makeup. You obviously have more to address than Facebook.

Tikimon · 26/08/2014 20:57

I know kids that have facebook accounts, and most of them use them to play games.

A few years ago, I was playing an aquarium game with my little cousins who joined facebook just to play the stupid games. I couldn't say no, because we're long distance and that's how they wanted to keep in touch. But they should know how much I love them to click every few hours to trade them those stupid fish.

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/08/2014 21:05

If she has permission from her mum there is not a lot you can do but have a discussion about internet safety.

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