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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit miffed with my friends?

22 replies

wobblytooth · 26/08/2014 11:40

Have a particular group of friends I've known since childhood/early teens. Always remained friends over the years, at times closer than others but kept in contact, met up regularly etc.

About 6 years ago I split up with my partner, they were all then in relationships. I didn't get any real support from them (it was my decision, he had been EA and violent over many years) indeed they all told me how sad they were we'd split up even knowing the circs and having seen my bruises but I chose to overlook that. About a year later one of them split with her DH and I made sure to invite her to spend Xmas with me and my DC so she wasnt on her own (she used to spend it with her DH's family etc). Anyway, she met someone else relatively quickly, whereas I've been single all that time. The rest of the group of friends have all been with their DHs/DPs throughout that time, and I think everyone has got use to me being the single one.

So, earlier this year I met someone, it's still early days (coming up for 6 months) but we're really happy together. He's met my DCs and whilst we're taking it slowly we're both looking at it as something long term.

However since meeting him whilst on the surface this group of friends have all been saying how happy they are for me etc, I feel that's not entirely the case. We recently had a weekend away (ladies only, no partners etc) to a seaside resort - ended up doing some souvenir shopping as one friend wanted something for a colleague, one for her dog sitter etc. So I bought some rock for the DC, and some for my new man, and was then looking at getting him some other little gift (as he often brings me terrible souvenirs from trips etc and it's a bit of a joke between us) and 2 of these friends pipe up that I 'shouldn't go overboard' and I 'don't want to look like I'm making too much effort' (by buying a £1.50 souvenir!). Later the same day I got told I spend too much time with him (I'm not sure where they get that from - possibly because before him I would be the one who organised our get togethers etc and now I haven't, but there's nothing stopping them from doing so!).

Also there's another friend (not entirely part of this group, but we all know her) who's having a party in a few weeks. most of the group are taking their DH/DPs, yet have said they hope I'm not bringing my man, just my DC, as they'd like to see me on my own!

I'd hoped everyone would be happy for me - my other friends and family all really like him, so I can't imagine it's anything he's said or done. It just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and got at :(

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblytooth · 26/08/2014 12:07

Anyone?

(should add we are all in our 40s so although this probably all sounds rather teenager-ish we are far from it!)

OP posts:

OwlCapone · 26/08/2014 12:11

I think you need to be straight talking with your friends and tell them that it's upsetting you. Say that you really want them to meet your new partner - maybe arrange a get together specifically with that aim?

DaisyFlowerChain · 26/08/2014 12:15

Do you think they believe you have jumped head in and are trying to get you to rein back a little?

Six months is so very early to have introduced the children into the relationship, perhaps they have similar concerns hence come alone with the children?

asmallandnoisymonkey · 26/08/2014 12:17

They really don't sound like friends to me, sorry! Sometimes you're better off without people like that in your life!

VanitasVanitatum · 26/08/2014 12:20

Do they not like him for some reason? Talk to them, you can't work this one out without asking them what the issue is.

HappyAgainOneDay · 26/08/2014 12:20

If they invite you (alone) to a party and you know that all their other halves will be there, I would not go. Apart from the snub to my new man, I would be the only single person perhaps by myself there.

browneyedgirl86 · 26/08/2014 12:20

I think you need to ask them straight out if they have an issue. They may be trying to tell you to put the breaks on a little but it's your relationship and if you are happy it's not their business. You know your relationship and children better than anyone. To me it seems rude to have a party and invite other partners but yours isn't.

browneyedgirl86 · 26/08/2014 12:22

Whoops brakes not break!

Fubsy · 26/08/2014 12:23

Sorry if I sound dim, but is 6 months really early to introduce children to a new partner? When do single parents get the time and subterfuge to see people behind their DC's backs? I've been a single patent for 7 years and I have trouble having a shit without Dd knowing about it. I certainly haven't got the luxury of a separate social life - hence being stubbornly single!

Original poster

wobblytooth · 26/08/2014 12:24

They've already met him and all seemed to get on well with him (well, to his face anyway). And they have said what a nice person he is - it's just their actions/other comments don't seem to match that!

We introduced the DC after 4 months which I don't think is too early - we are taking it very gradually and he's only spent a brief amount of time with them so far.

My friends may feel I have jumped in, however as far as I can see there's nothing for them to base that assumption on - we are obviously in the honeymoon stage where we're a bit soppy about each other but we're not rushing into anything (any though of living together, marriage etc is many years away, possibly until my DC are at college/uni).

OP posts:

Amarena · 26/08/2014 12:24

It really sounds like they don't like him.

Did any of them know him before you two got together?

You need to ask them what the problem is, I'm afraid. I know it's cringy to have to do so but it's upsetting you and their behaviour is unkind.

Good luck and let us know what the outcome is.

Fubsy · 26/08/2014 12:24

And I think these friends sound seriously cliquey, but then I've never been in this situation.

odyssey2001 · 26/08/2014 12:29

There are many possibilities.

Maybe it was all in jest and you are seeing a pattern where there isn't one.
They are feeling protective of you and just want to make sure you are okay.
Have reservations about the speed of things (although six months doesn't seem too quick to me).
Maybe they just don't like him.

If I were you, I would find a friend in the group who hasn't made a comment and ask them on the sly if they have picked up on these vibes.

Original poster

wobblytooth · 26/08/2014 12:43

None of them knew him previously. I don't feel it's that they don't like him, it feels more like they resent me having met someone, however silly that sounds!

As for being protective of me, it's a shame they didn't feel like that when my ExP was abusing me :(

OP posts:

Shockers · 26/08/2014 13:41

They've got used to you in your role as single friend. You buying jokey gifts etc makes them uncomfortable. Unless they tell you that they know about his former life as an axe murderer, they're just going to have to get used to you being with someone.

springlamb · 26/08/2014 13:44

Yep, you ain't their fall guy anymore, you ain't the one who they can look at and feel smug about their own (maybe not so great behind closed doors) relationships.
Continue taking it slowly and revelling in your happiness.

whois · 26/08/2014 13:52

Yep, you ain't their fall guy anymore, you ain't the one who they can look at and feel smug about their own (maybe not so great behind closed doors) relationships

Agreed.

RiverTam · 26/08/2014 13:54

tbh, I think I would have stopped being friends with them when they were telling you that they were sad you were splitting from your violent abusive XP . They sound as thick as pigshit for that alone.

I would back slowly away, unless there's anything really fantastic about this group that you don't want to let go of.

OnlyLovers · 26/08/2014 14:01

they hope I'm not bringing my man, just my DC, as they'd like to see me on my own! What a horrid thing to say.

I agree with Tam above; it sounds to me as though, if they were ever good friends, they stopped being such when they didn't support you over leaving your ex.

Original poster

wobblytooth · 26/08/2014 15:38

Several of them are in quite difficult relationships (have been on the verge of separating/divorce more than once) so that may be a factor.

I'm never sure with my Ex whether it was me minimising it that made my friends ignore it. I felt for years (until I discovered MN!) like a drama queen for objecting to him screaming at me that I was an ugly c**t, or spitting at me/throwing things at me. I've left all that in the past now pretty much but I guess now them behaving like this has been a reminder of how when I needed them in the past they weren't really there in the way I needed them to be...

It is difficult though, they are all quite close to my DC and I have known them forever (most of my other friends are people I've met in the last 3-5 years, whereas this group I've known for 30) so I'm reluctant to drop them all completely. But I can't see we'll continue to be close friends (which will no doubt then have them accusing me of putting him before them etc!)

OP posts:

Worryworker · 26/08/2014 15:57

You say some of them are in difficult relationships? Perhaps they are jealous that you are happy with your new man and would rather you be on your own and not so happy (not suggesting you were miserable but I imagine its nice sharing your life with someone after a number of yrs on your own!)

Worryworker · 26/08/2014 16:01

Like they are 'not so happy' probably in their relationships but for whatever reasons choose to stay

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