To call time on this birthday present routine I have with a group of friends?

[Mmeh]

Ok. I have three old school friends. We live reasonably close to each other and we see each other about once every 2-3 months. Our husbands are friends, two of them are old school friends.

Dh and I are probably a little distanced from the group. Tbh we probably have fewer things in common with them and over the years have made friends with other groups. I personally have always felt a little suffocated by the group and going back a long way to school I remember pissing them off a bit when I got close to other friends

Anyway, fast forward many many years and we have a situation whereby we still buy each other Xmas and birthday presents. I don't mind the Christmas thing as we get together for a meal once a year and it's all part of that but the birthday presents thing is all a bit half hearted, fiddly to organise because it tends to be a case of taking turns to buy a big present then chase others for money, and finally... Bloody expensive! Especially for me as all the girls birthdays are just after Christmas.

We have out fortieths next year and i know, because the others will probably decide this and I will have to go along with it, that a lot of money and ceremony will be spent in all this.

Would I be unreasonable therefore to cut my losses now, with my 39th b'day coming up, and suggest no presents from now on for me? Obvs they can do what they want together... Any suggestions on how to play this?

Sorry, first world problems and all that I know this sounds ridiculously petty and quite possibly school girl too...

yes - good idea. say, actually i can't afford this present malarky and would like to confine it to a small present at christmas. accordingly i am happy to forego my birthday present this year. please don't let this inhibit your plans, but i have to bow out unfortunately.

totally understandable.

this year - from now on.

I think you have to put a lid on it full stop and not just say 'no presents for me from now on' because they may just think you'll still want to give to everyone else.

Id say something along the lines of you want to opt out of both the giving and receiving on birthday presents but you're still happy to go along with Christmas.

I wouldnt even give a reason as to why. I just wouldn't explain myself, but before I said anything I would ask myself if I wanted to extend it to Christmas presents as well.

Oh and don't be surprised if you open a flood gate and others admit they feel the same way.

Thanks for your reply Eddie

I'm wondering whether to just go through the motions with the fortieths then call time? I've donated money to a lot of fortieth present funds over the last few years and it does seem churlish not to do it for three of my oldest friends.

Perhaps if next year I just ask that no more is spent on me than usual and to make it their last for me it might seem better...

Excuse stream of consciousness, it's just good to get it all out!

Thanks Cariads! Yeah, who knows?

Although I think it might provoke a bit of tutting, they do seem to like their routine and traditions!

Cariads, re Christmas I think it would make things a bit uncomfortable for them if they were exchanging gifts and I wasn't included, as we all get together then. At least with birthdays there isn't a big share fest.

We and my siblings did this. I suggested only buying on birthdays ending in zero and that has worked well.

oh god i agree.
As you get older if you want stuff, you just buy it tbh

Did this with sibling, we buy for birthdays but Christmas is for gift for the children.a

If you don't want to offend them, why don't you go it alone, and just reduce the extravagance of the present? I think go through with it for the 40ths, buying something on your own (it's such a special occasion, you see!), to set the precedent.

Then the subsequent years scale back to something thoughtful (sorta) and nice, consumable, but not expensive. So things like handmade soap, a food hamper, a bottle of wine, etc.

There's loads of Christmas fairs around where you can buy quite unique gifts that look special, but don't cost much, which is perfect if their birthdays are just after Christmas.

Why don't you put it to them when you are on a night out with them, 'I was wondering what you think about .......' And then say what you planned to do. See what response you get and this will help find out what their point of view is.

I did this a few years ago with a couple of long distance cousins and their older children and we happily agreed not to buy for each other. Sometimes others are feeling the same. It is more about the way it is mentioned to be honest unless they are really unreasonable in which case I would question the relationship.

Good luck

I'd be inclined to use the 40th birthdays as the turning point. Everybody buys presents for that particular birthday but from then on you agree to stick to cards. I'm willing to bet you aren't the only one in the group whose looking for a way out too.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's really helpful. Pimple I agree that it's the way it's said that's prob best.

I think I'm going to say I'm ducking out of birthday presents this year, but that I would like to continue with Xmas. I'll wait and see what happens next year. If they get me a fortieth present then great I'll contribute to theirs and if they don't well that's me off the hook!). Then for our forty firsts I'll make it official that I have ducked out for all future birthdays unless there's a zero on the end of the age!