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AIBU?

AIBU to want to get engaged?!?

131 replies

Booboosmummy22 · 26/08/2014 00:08

My dp & I have been together nearly 5 years (something he pointed out today) and whilst I have no desire to get married any time soon, possibly never, I would love to get engaged. (I sort of see that as basically married just don't want all the fuss of a big day & none of the legal complications if you break up)

we're 22 & 23 have an ASD ds (3) and have definitely had a full 5 years of richer/ poorer, better/ worse, sickness & health and have managed to stick together and work through any difficulties we've had. Must point out we are very happy and have been stable our whole relationship (just outside situations that have been difficult)

So I put the suggestion forward tonight subtlety and he freaked out saying its way to much of a commitment and the thought of it scares him even though he knows I wouldn't be pushing for a wedding. I fully trust him & know we're both in this for the long run but I just want something a bit more official (albeit socially rather than legally) Aibu?

OP posts:

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m0therofdragons · 28/08/2014 08:50

You have a child together, what greater commitment is there? For me the point of an engagement is marriage but I don't see why your do freaked out... I would be really worried, is he not planning to stay with you?

MaryWestmacott · 28/08/2014 08:56

oh and can we all stop suggesting that having a child is a commitment to the woman you've had the child with? Having a child gives you responsibilities and rights in relation to that child, not the other parent.

My parents have been married for 42 years, for 20 years of that, they've had DCs that are under the age of 18. For the other 22 years, my dad would have no responsibility towards my mum if they weren't married. She'd have no claim on his pension, on his estate if he'd died. She fucked her own career and pension provision by being a SAHM for a peroid when DB and I were children. When he had a stroke and was unconcious, it was her that talked to the doctors, not her being there only at the wishes of his NOK.

You are only young, you will only be 37 when your DP's legal commitment towards his DS ends. He at no point, has any legal commitment to you.

MaryWestmacott · 28/08/2014 09:01

oh and his reluctance might not be because he'll look a nobber for getting engaged but not married to you, but more fear that once you annouce your 'engagement' (which won't be an engagement, just a 'commitment ring and party' thing like teenagers) you'll both come under pressure to set a date and he'll be railroaded into a marriage he doesn't want.

weatherall · 28/08/2014 09:06

OP I think you are being treated harshly here by people who don't know how it feels to be looked down on by professionals when you're a young single parent.

Tbh from my experience being engaged or married won't make much difference, some professionals will treat you as feckless/stupid whatever until you look older.

If you've got the legal bits sorted there's no rush. Leave getting married for a few years so you don't get to 30 and have nothing left to look forward to.

SteeleyeSpanx · 28/08/2014 09:22

I'm sorry to say it, but people will judge you for this.

It's not quite the same, I know, but an acquaintance has recently changed her name by deed poll ostensibly so that she has the same surname as her DC and DP, but the reality is that she feels judged for being an unmarried mother and her DP is dragging his heels re marriage.

Basically, the whole community is laughing at her behind her back in a really unkind manner. It looks like she has such low self esteem that this limbo is all she feels worthy of.

You sold yourself short at the point when you moved in with him and had a child while unmarried. Unfortunately, these are the consequences

KoalaDownUnder · 28/08/2014 09:28

I agree with everything MaryWestmacott says.

Getting engaged when you're not planning to get married is a contradiction in terms. It makes no sense.

So, YABU. Mind you, so is he for panicking at the thought of a wedding when you've been together 5 years and have a child.

combust22 · 28/08/2014 09:31

"You sold yourself short at the point when you moved in with him and had a child while unmarried."

Are we living in the dark ages?

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 09:40

If he doesn't want to be committed to you, he should have thought about that before having a child with you - there's no greater commitment, surely?

Steeleye - do you think the OP is what my mother would call "damaged goods" and that "no-one else will want her now that she has clearly been had by someone else" as well?

MaryWestmacott · 28/08/2014 10:14

MrsSchadenfraude - there are lots of greater commitments than having a child with someone. Because having a child with them only ties you to them for 18 years, I can think of several longer term commitments. And anyway, having a child with someone does only create responsibily towards the child, not the other parent.

I can see what SteeleyeSpanx is saying too, if you do a commitment ring and party, and call it an engagement - without having being 'engaged to be married' - then it will look like the woman who changed her name, not a joint decision that yu've actively decided you don't want to be married and it's not important to you, but that it's really important to you but that your DP is denying this to you. That you have no power or control in your relationship. Woman who go for the trappings of marriage without it do end up being pitied because they clearly want something that they are being denied and don't have the strength of character to say "this is important to me, I'll leave if you won't do this".

There's a world of difference between this situation and being someone who's actively decided marriage doesn't matter to you.

If it really doesn't matter to you, why would you make yourself look like a disappointed woman just pining for the dress in a relationship with a nobber?

Ihatemytoes · 28/08/2014 10:29

I agree with Mary.

SteeleyeSpanx · 28/08/2014 10:50

It's not so much a case of 'damaged goods', but yes, if you want a serious commitment, as OP seems to, it is, IMO unwise to live together or have DCs before you have the level of commitment you desire.

MN is a very liberal, left leaning forum, the rest of society sees the world very differently.

combust22 · 28/08/2014 10:55

Most children in the UK are now born outside of marriage steeleye.

It seems you are out of touch.

flowery · 28/08/2014 11:10

"he freaked out saying its way to much of a commitment...even though he knows I wouldn't be pushing for a wedding."

"I....know we're both in this for the long run"

Those two statements are completely contradictory. If he was genuinely in it for the long run then he wouldn't have freaked out at the thought of not even getting married.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/08/2014 11:23

Most children in the UK are now born outside of marriage steeleye.

Yes, and most of those children's parents don't stay together until they've finished raising them. Hence Steeleye's comment about getting the 'serious commitment' before having the children, I presume.

Booboosmummy22 · 28/08/2014 11:30

Okay so the general consensus if that iabu, thank you to those who have been understanding of my reasons/ situations and those who have given me some stuff to think about

OP posts:

Booboosmummy22 · 28/08/2014 11:32

Also the commitment before moving in/ child etc
Child came first
Then the house
So the whole traditional relationship time line was fucked as soon as it began lol

OP posts:

combust22 · 28/08/2014 11:58

Oh sure Koala- and marriage is rock solid isn't it. With divorce rates now at nearly 50% in the UK- it's a guarantee of stability isn't it.

MagnificentMaleficent · 28/08/2014 12:10

But you are not strongly committed to each other if he thinks marriage is too much of a commitment for him are you?

If he didn't want to get married because he doesn't agree with it, you both agree you are as happy without etc then great.

You wanting a layer of commitment (because currently you have none, joint responsibilities yes but no actual commitment) and he doesn't which is more troublesome. I would want to know what he felt was missing in the relationship for him to not want to "commit" when you have been together 5 years and have a child.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/08/2014 12:12

I never said that. I was responding to what I saw as your misreading of steeleye's comment.

BackforGood · 28/08/2014 12:21

Agree with everyone saying that engagement is a promise to marry. You ask your loved one 'Will you marry me?' not 'will you become engaged to me?'.
Absolutely no point in 'getting engaged' if no plans for a wedding.
Am somewhat concerned that someone who is scared of the commitment of marriage thinks being a parent is less of a commitment.

If you aren't married, and have a child, then I suggest making wills, at the very least.

flowery · 28/08/2014 12:31

"Am somewhat concerned that someone who is scared of the commitment of marriage thinks being a parent is less of a commitment."

There's nothing to suggest he thinks becoming a parent is less of a commitment though. Marriage would be a commitment to the OP, which he is not prepared to do. Being a parent involves commitment to the child. It's not that it's less of a commitment, more that it's a commitment to a different person.

combust22 · 28/08/2014 12:53

I don't see what the big deal is. If the OP wants to get engaged then why not. She isn't planning on becoming a serial killer.

I have been engaged without getting married and I have been married without ever being engaged.

I now lived with my OH for 18 years with no intention of getting married.
My SIL has been engaged for 17 years and still not married. But hey who am I to judge.
Only those with tight fitting judgey pants will have an issue. There are lots of serious things going on in the worl, if getting engaged with no intention of marriage- then whatever floats your boat.

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2rebecca · 28/08/2014 12:56

YABU. You decide to get married and are engaged whilst you sort out the wedding. being engaged isn't a thing in itself unless you are actually planning to get married and getting on with it.
Wanting to "be engaged" is for 14 year olds.

combust22 · 28/08/2014 12:59

2rebecca- "Wanting to "be engaged" is for 14 year olds." - well perhaps, and it isn't something I would do- but who is the OP harming?
Can't we just live and let live?

Some people pretend to live in 1930s homes ( I have always fancied having my house decked out as a pirate ship). I don't see the issue.

Gen35 · 28/08/2014 13:03

Yes, the only way I think the op is bu is by not pushing harder for what se wants. She has a right to want what she wants, as long as it's not illegal. Unless what she really wants is marriage, in which case she ought to insist. You always have the ability to make something a deal breaker issue, whether you've 15 kids or none.

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