AIBU to want to get engaged?!?

[Booboosmummy22]

My dp & I have been together nearly 5 years (something he pointed out today) and whilst I have no desire to get married any time soon, possibly never, I would love to get engaged. (I sort of see that as basically married just don't want all the fuss of a big day & none of the legal complications if you break up)

we're 22 & 23 have an ASD ds (3) and have definitely had a full 5 years of richer/ poorer, better/ worse, sickness & health and have managed to stick together and work through any difficulties we've had. Must point out we are very happy and have been stable our whole relationship (just outside situations that have been difficult)

So I put the suggestion forward tonight subtlety and he freaked out saying its way to much of a commitment and the thought of it scares him even though he knows I wouldn't be pushing for a wedding. I fully trust him & know we're both in this for the long run but I just want something a bit more official (albeit socially rather than legally) Aibu?

[mumtosome61]

Engagement, to me, is the precursor to getting married. It doesn't offer you much, if anything, legally and although I'm loathe to say it, I think there is a great deal of people who now view engagement quite casually. I'm not saying you or your DP do, but socially it isn't quite the definitive statement of a forever relationship.

Also, and I'm playing devil's advocate here, what is stopping the engagement from going ahead and in five years time (when you'll still be young) you changing your mind and wanting to get married? Things like that do happen. I was never wholly sold on the idea of marriage and kids, and now I'm preparing in sorts for both of those. If you were to convince your DP to get engaged and later on decide you want to further your relationship, you may have the same sense of trying to jump hurdles that you have now. If you DP was to propose engagement; and proposing meaning asking someone to 'marry you' but caveat that he doesn't ever want to get married, how would that be overcome if your ideals changed?

To me, having a child is the ultimate commitment, even if some people do not treat it as such, and I'm not sure why he's balking at the idea of furthering your relationship other than you are both young.

On a personal level - YANBU to want to have security and stability. I do too. If you're not on the same page, however, it's a pretty hard situation to resolve.

[MaidOfStars]

why don't you just have a commitment party where you invite everyone to hear you vow your commitments to each other (speech or poem) instead of an engagement or wedding, that way its formalised but everyone understands that marriage is not for you. you could exchange tokens of commitment, rings or necklaces or whatever you fancy. a good excuse for a party and public display of commitment if that's what is important to you

I don't understand why you'd do this but not get married. To be completely unromantic, the marriage contract is a legal thing only and like any legal contract, it can be dissolved. Until it is, it offers the best legal protection for all parties, especially when children are part of the family.

I can understand many people not wanting to do the soppy public ceremony bit yet wanting to be legally sorted. But I can't see why you'd want the soppy public ceremony bit yet baulk at signing a document which legally formalises what's yours is his and so on i.e. what you've just said at the soppy public ceremony bit.

[Bue]

Engagement is not a sign of commitment, or a display of affection for that matter, unless there is actually the intent that it will lead to marriage Very odd and pointless idea, I'm afraid.

YANBU, however, to want some form of commitment. But a hollow 'engagement' isn't it.

[Summerisle1]

You are clearly on different pages here. You see engagement as a public statement of commitment. He sees it as a route that leads to a wedding and he's not ready to consider marriage right now. His interpretation of engagement accords with mine since I've never seen the point of an engagement just for the sake of it. It becomes meaningless, to be honest unless you are both committed to getting married.

If I were you, OP, I'd be inclined to take steps to demonstrate your commitment by making sure you are both legally protected if the worst comes to the worst. Get insurance. Make wills. Protect your child's interest. But don't attempt to persuade your DP into a meaningless engagement because even if you succeed, it won't demonstrate any sort of commitment unless you are both signed up to the principle.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

maid some people do want the soppy stuff but not the marriage bit, legal commitment does not have to mean marriage even though that's the usual and easiest way to tie things up.

[XiCi]

Your problem isn't so much whether engagement is a precursor to marriage but rather that your DP flipped at the very thought of getting engaged to you. That's a much bigger problem in that he doesn't see your relationship the same way as you do.
A lot of people, rightly or wrongly, don't see having a child as 'the ultimate commitment'. If further commitment is what you want I would be asking him why he is so dead set against the idea, and be prepared to not like the answer

[Booboosmummy22]

Just want to be clear this is not a make or break situation! Me and dp are very committed to each other and my reasons for wanting to get engaged are purely selfish (not for any legality) & for other reasons stated in my posts, as I don't think we'll ever get married but would still like a large gesture of affection . My Aibu was why would he freak out over a ring when we basically live like a married couple

[Booboosmummy22]

It's more for me than other people but less judgement from others is an added incentive for me

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Why would he freak out? Because you want people to think you are more committed and 'official' than you are with a pretend engagement and he wants people to think you are less committed than you are. I think you have a major issue here in terms of his commitment to you.

[XiCi]

But you're not committed to each other though are you. The very mention of engagement from you and he 'freaked out'. After 5 years together and a child surely he would have considered engagement/marriage if this was what he wanted, if he saw a long term future with you. It seems from your posts that you are deluding yourself

[SweetsForMySweet]

Usually, one person asks the other person 'will you marry me?' and if the person says 'yes', they get an engagement ring to signify the intention to get married and go on to get married. You are likely to be more judged for getting engaged with no intention of ever getting married than if you just stay the way you are (which there is nothing wrong with). People will always have an opinion, sometimes you will like it, other times you will not, that's life. The main point at the moment is that your dp does not want/is not ready to get engaged and you want to get engaged whatever your intention.

[Mrsgrumble]

I don't really see the point, it's limbo land.

Why not just get married? I waited to Barry before living to pother and having a baby and I'm glad I did. So many men just take the handy option.

runs away

[Mrsgrumble]

Grr. Marry before living together.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I'm smiling at 'waited to Barry'

[MaidOfStars]

Runs away to Barry

[Yambabe]

If you want a "show" of commitment without an engagement or marriage could you maybe get an eternity ring instead?

Me and my (now) DH did this, we both had real commitment issues when we got together (him married before, me fiercely independent single parent) so after about 4 years iirc when we moved in together he bought me an eternity ring which we chose together. It wasn't a promise of marriage, at that time there was still no prospect of that for either of us.

We got married 3 years ago, after being together for 17. Mostly prompted by watching a friend go through hell when her DP died without a will resulting in her losing her home and a huge amount of money as well as the love of her life.

We had wills but they were out of date and basically provided for our DC (none together) and not each other so we talked about it and realised that finally we were both ready. We were never really engaged, I never had an engagement ring. Still wear my eternity ring on the other had though

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Wish I'd have waited for Barry

[Spermysextowel]

Be careful. If you wait to Barry you could pother for a long time. Longer than you'll be with your fiancé to be perhaps....

[Gen35]

I agree with lying, you're just asking to feel a bit more respectable when dealing with all your ds's professionals, seems reasonable to me, although personally I'd insist on marriage but it's what you want that matters. It bothers me that you feel unable to insist and mention him bring stubborn, relationships ought to be two way and you shouldn't have to leave it a few months and then see. Yes you're young but plenty of people do get married and stay married at that age and you have dc. If he really is a good guy you should be able to talk this through to resolution without giving up on what you want.

[LittleBearPad]

I think of you say your engaged but have no plans to marry people will be more than you think they are now.

[Droflove]

Im just a bit at OPs comment that she wants to get engaged because it has none of the complications if you break up. If that's the thought process, I don't think you really understand engagements or are ready for one (but you do have a child together and I agree that us the biggest commitment of all). And I'm also with the people who believe you get engaged to be married. I get that you want the public display of commitment with your partner but that somehow seems to cheapen the actual act of engagement and what it's all about if that is your reason. I think you need to wait till you are both ready for marriage and then make a proper commitment to each other to get married (which is what an engagement is). Its a wonderful thing, you will enjoy it if you do it properly.

[Judo123]

Don't get engaged if you don't want to get married...period!

[Heels99]

Professionals will treat you no differently because you are engaged. How would they even know you engaged? It is not a status in itself. Interminable engagements don't impress anyone if that is your aim.

[MaryWestmacott]

OK OP, this might be a little harsh, but this is something you need to take on:

Engagement is just that, it is you have 'engaged to get married' or have arranged to get married, just not made the actual plans yet. You have agreed to get married. That's why most people when they get engaged don't say "will you get engaged to me?" but "will you marry me?"

rather than making your relationship look more committed, an engagement with no intention of getting married makes you look like kids playing at being grown ups.

Deciding that marriage isn't for you, fine (but do think it through, it is a legal contract that confers rights and responsibilities on each other), but wanting the "pretty fun dress up bits" of marriage and the "sparkly ring" without the legal, grown up, considered commitment it represents, just makes you look rather shallow and childish.

Reject the lot, fine - just want the party and the ring, makes you look like an idiot.

Your DP might not be rejecting commitment to you, but might be just a little more realistic of how much more of a cunt he'll look to the rest of the wordl that he's bought you a ring but won't actually do the legal commitment bit. It makes it look like you actually want that and he won't do it.