AIBU to want to get engaged?!?

[Booboosmummy22]

My dp & I have been together nearly 5 years (something he pointed out today) and whilst I have no desire to get married any time soon, possibly never, I would love to get engaged. (I sort of see that as basically married just don't want all the fuss of a big day & none of the legal complications if you break up)

we're 22 & 23 have an ASD ds (3) and have definitely had a full 5 years of richer/ poorer, better/ worse, sickness & health and have managed to stick together and work through any difficulties we've had. Must point out we are very happy and have been stable our whole relationship (just outside situations that have been difficult)

So I put the suggestion forward tonight subtlety and he freaked out saying its way to much of a commitment and the thought of it scares him even though he knows I wouldn't be pushing for a wedding. I fully trust him & know we're both in this for the long run but I just want something a bit more official (albeit socially rather than legally) Aibu?

[Booboosmummy22]

Exactly fanjango just can't work our why that freaked him out so much guess I will have to wait a few month and see if he takes it in

[SolidGoldBrass]

You're both very, very young. I think what you want is some sort of concrete proof that he's not going to run off. And I think he's not prepared to offer it because he likes the idea that he could run off. I think this is your basic Starter Relationship, unfortunately complicated by the fact thgat you have a kid.

[Booboosmummy22]

Solid glass I really don't think he'd run off. Im probably being a bit bratty about it but I just want to be more official especially as young parents & dealing with the amount of professionals we do you get the feeling your not taken as seriously as bf and gf & There are people around us getting engaged/ married ect in much less committed situations.

[Fanjango]

Young yes but they have been together for 5 years and ,from the post, seem otherwise happy in their relationship. A long time for a "starter relationship". Young does not equal unable to make a rational decision to commit to a relationship. Op please don't stress about it too much. He's with you and you are still both commuted to the relationship. If you push too hard you may find your relationship suffers. Trust in the strength of the relationship. It will get there you just need to wait till the time is right. You may feel happier with an engagement but if he's not then give it time. You are young, there's no rush and a good relationship is worth way more that a token, much as I understand why you may want it. Good luck.

[Fanjango]

Fwiw I'm 41 have 4 kids and am engaged to their dad, it's bend 17 years so far

[Booboosmummy22]

Thank you fanjango I would never push it he's a stubborn of mule even at 23 haha hopefully I've planted the idea for him to have a good think about, the more I think back to the conversation I think he was genuinely surprised it was something I wanted.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Reading this thread made me think of you OP, do get wills organised and seek financial advice: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/2168181-Death-without-a-will-and-co-habitation

[AuntieStella]

I think the responses on this thread show there are two main camps, those who see engagements solely as the precursor to marriage (even if the date they set is a little way off) and those who see it as a separate status (and ne'er the twain shall meet).

It sounds to me as if he's in camp A and you're in camp B.

It might be worth finding out at some point why he doesn't want to do anything associated with marriage with you.

And things like Wills can be revoked and beneficiaries of insurances altered. Ownership of assets puts you in a stronger position, but if you do not have the income to support them (have you reduced hours or given up work?) you could be in a more exposed position than either of you would really want.

[SweetsForMySweet]

Having a child together and being faithful and monogamous to one another are the best ways of showing public commitment. If you are secure in yourself and your relationship you don't need to have fancy rings or need other people's acknowledgement to prove your commitment.

[Lifesalemon]

I have been engaged for eight years and still haven't set a date for a wedding. Got the ring, got a mortgage got a child but never really been in a rush to get married. Just happy as we are so haven't ever got round to it, might do one day but who knows. Think the difference is that we both got engaged with the intentions of it leading to marriage. It is pretty pointless getting engaged if you definitely don't want to get married.

[TalcumPowder]

Honestly, I have never come across an actual human being (as distinct from the kind of c-list celeb who gets engaged to another c-lister on the advice of their agents) who regarded engagement as a separate status in itself, unrelated to marriage.

YANBU in the least to want to marry for legal protection - it's the only reason I did it, after over 20 years of being happily unmarried to my partner - but engagement won't offer any of that. You're being weirdly tokenistic, and not looking at the big picture. And your partner's reaction is not good, to put it mildly - he sounds uncommitted and more than a bit juvenile, as if he sort of accidentally had a baby with someone he doesn't see his longterm future with. You need to have a serious talk.

[MaidOfStars]

Being engaged is NOT a formal commitment, it's just lip service until you make firm plans to get married.

I am married. My husband and I became engaged when we booked our wedding date.

Engaged = to be occupied on a specific day/for a specific event.

The public display of commitment you're after, the one that has social and legal currency, is called a marriage

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Actually Maid it's called a wedding

[MelanieCheeks]

I dont think there are such hard and fast rules. Some people see engagement as a pre-cursor to marriage, others as a symbol of their status with another person.

I lived with DH for a while. Then we broke up. When we got back together again, we wanted to do something to mark that. So we got enagaged - almost as a trial of "let's see how this feels for US". We didn't discuss actual marriage until later.

[MaidOfStars]

FamilesShareGerms Ha! You mean some people think that the wedding is the proper bit?

[SweetsForMySweet]

Getting engaged or wearing a fancy ring won't make people take you more seriously as a couple/parents. Being mature adults and behaving in a mature and responsible manner would be a lot more effective. Professionals don't care about the commitment status of your relationship, they just want to provide the best service possible for your child. Their opinions will be formed on your behaviour and how you interact with your ds and others, not based on your jewellery or lack of.

[Sallyingforth]

I don't see any point at all in getting engaged, other than as a commitment to a forthcoming marriage.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

What sweets said.

[BookABooSue]

I would see an engagement as a precursor to getting married but since you don't see it like that but want to formalise your relationship in some way then YANBU.
Perhaps your DP had an automatic response because he thinks ultimately engagement does lead to marriage. Try having another chat about it and explain it the way you have here.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

why don't you just have a commitment party where you invite everyone to hear you vow your commitments to each other( speech or poem) instead of an engagement or wedding, that way its formalised but everyone understands that marriage is not for you. you could exchange tokens of commitment, rings or necklaces or whatever you fancy. a good excuse for a party and public display of commitment if that's what is important to you. if its not then have yourselves a private little 'ceremony' somewhere special to yourselves or on a beach / mountain / countryside location?

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

oh and look into the legal side of things re: protection etc

[19lottie82]

I agree. Engaged means "engaged to be married". If you're not planning on getting married, what's the point? It doesn't actually prove anymore commitment.

[RaspberryBeret34]

YANBU to want it in my opinion. Everyone is entitled to want what they want for their own personal relationship situation. I would also be aware that once you've been engaged for a couple of years, you may start to want the marriage bit (once people keep asking and asking "but WHEN are you getting married??").

However, your partner is also entitled to his opinion! And as someone who has been married and ex started an affair within a year of the wedding, I definitely now believe it is the small ways you show committment to eachother day in day out that mean much more than any ring/service/legally binding agreement. So, I'd try not to get too hung up on it if your partner isn't keen as long as he is proving his committment to you and your DS. Perfectly reasonable to discuss it with him though so you feel you understand his POV.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It sounds to me as if you'd actually LOVE to get married but, so as not to scare the horses, will settle for 'engaged'. His response is unkind.

That's sad. He doesn't get to call the shots, OP. If commitment matters to you then tell him that and decide how you'll proceed if you don't get what you want.