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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect some alone time with DH in the evenings.....

48 replies

MrsTeeTotal · 25/08/2014 23:07

.... we have 4 kids - 10, 8, 2, 1! The babies are a doddle, in bed at 7pm and sleep til 6.45/7am. 10 yo also easy, goes up at 9pm, reads/writes/faffs quietly for half an hour and then goes to sleep. Now the 8 yo ds.... Omg. Goes up at 8.15. Comes down, goes up x 10. In, out, in, out. Last night we watched an hour episode of suits. It took us 3 hours to watch it! She has been a nightmare to go to bed for AGES! I'm at the end of my tether. Have tried - reading to her, ipad, later bed time, laying with her, shouting, being nice, being angry, cuddles.... you name it. For the love of god why won't this child go to bed/sleep!

Help. Please!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsTeeTotal · 25/08/2014 23:52

But strawberry, I know within a week I'd be putting her to bed at 4pm?! And that would just mean 5 hours of up/down instead of 1?

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 25/08/2014 23:54

You know your own child. Is she nervous or is she playing on it. My middle child slept so much better when he started sharing a room with his older brother as he hated being alone.

I would put a drink next to the bed and a blanket at the bottom. When your taking her up be utterly boring, saying nothing to her but goodnight and please stay on your room. It took me a month of doing this to crack ds2

Gumblossom · 25/08/2014 23:55

Mrsteetotal, I feel for you. It is no fun is it?

You said she says she's "scared", is she feeling anxious about something? Or is it a ply to get your attention? Is all well at school?

My Dd had an awful time at school when she was 8. It seemed to be the start of "queen bees and Wannabes" - lots of bitchiness (so hard to believe at that age). She became so anxious. Anyway, we sorted things out with the school eventually and used relaxation cd's (now she has the relaxtion things on her ipod as she is 14) and it really, really helped. She also had a batch of "worry dolls" that she told her troubles to. She tells me they helped too.

I agree with the other posters about holding a hardline if there isn't an anxiety issue. I have a friend whose 6 year old daughter gave them absolute hell in the evenings and the only thing that worked (after trying everything) was to put a lock on the outside of her door. Peace has returned to the house.

However, it may be worth making sure there isn't something worrying your DD.

strawberryangel · 26/08/2014 00:09

I don't think you would. Mine have never needed bedtime reduced more than 2 days in a row. The shock of being sent up straight after dinner hits quite hard! But you must be consistent. She's 8, not 3. There's no reason for her to be getting up.

Gumblossom speaks lots of sense- if there is a genuine problem then of course you need to ensure she's happy and secure first. But if all is OK- be tough!

Hakluyt · 26/08/2014 07:56

"only thing that worked (after trying everything) was to put a lock on the outside of her door. "

DaisyFlowerChain · 26/08/2014 09:04

I'm very relaxed and don't get at all precious over adult time in the evening. It's been lovely having DS around later in the school holidays and we don't watch anything unsuitable anyway. All time is family time, he's never excluded as I remember it's not nice to be sent away at x time as it's inconvenient.

HaroldLloyd · 26/08/2014 09:13

Call it adult time or whatever you like, children of the OPs age need to be in bed at that time anyway.

I haven't let my DSs stay up any later over the summer, because they get up just as early and are tired and moody all the next day.

Because we are all different.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 26/08/2014 09:29

Ah those magical child Free evenings.

Op make your rules, explain them and discuss them with your kids.

Then stick to them with no deviation or discussion.

At 13/14 they will avoid you like the plague anyway and them by 16/17 until thru go to uni you can't get rid if them.

Oh and after uni they come back. Happy days.

Hakluyt · 26/08/2014 10:13

Children need to be in bed at a sensible hour of course. But not because they are being banished from the living room. Why would you do that?

Claybury · 26/08/2014 10:16

Re teenagers every family is different and parents are entitled to set their own routines.
For us often the ONLY time we spend time with our teens is after 9 ish when the youngest is in bed and we watch something together. I'm really glad they do sit with us in the evenings - IME teens need to be encouraged OUT of their rooms, not the reverse.

Hakluyt · 26/08/2014 10:31

Another one of those things that makes me realise that I live in a parallel universe to many mumsnetters.............

chumrun · 26/08/2014 11:01

Don't worry Hak - I'm with you!

HaroldLloyd · 26/08/2014 13:14

Your not in a parallel universe. People do different things.

Not better or worse than you, just different.

chumrun · 26/08/2014 13:22

I recognise that people want time to themselves - but banishing children from an area that's communal (surely) just seems really draconian and over the top. I just can't imagine saying to my child 'get out!' - it's their home too!

Fairylea · 26/08/2014 13:34

I don't think there's anything wrong with children and teens learning that adults need down time / alone time too. I grew up in a house where 9 pm was really the watershed for being downstairs with my parents. They were never rude about it as such they'd just say it was bedtime and that was that. I knew if I really wanted to talk to them or I had a problem I could just pop downstairs and see them but I also grew up to respect them as individuals needing their own peace.

I was quite happy in my bedroom for an hour or so before bed reading and later watching videos (I didn't have a tv in my room before about 14/15). I had a very close relationship with my mum and dad but we all enjoy our own space!

I'm bringing my dc up exactly the same. Of course sometimes we might have a movie night and everyone stays up later but standard bedtime is 8.30/9 and I can't imagine not having that bit of peace to myself.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/08/2014 13:44

I am a bit shocked at those who ban teenagers from certain rooms in the evening- it wouldn't seem like home to me, either when the child or the parent. They just naturally stay up and it gets to the point where they go to bed last and switch off the lights etc. you time to yourself when they are out socially.
However- I wouldn't have TVs in any bedrooms- including ours.
In case of OP she is getting plenty of attention through it. Tell her you don't expect her to go to sleep if she isn't tired but she doesn't set foot out of her room except to go to the toilet. Put water by the bed. Tell her you couldn't care less if she sleeps or not, if she is bored or not- it isn't your problem.

waterrat · 26/08/2014 13:44

Using screens like an iPad has been clearly shown in research to make it much harder to fall asleep

It's to do with the type of light emitted

You should absolutely not let her use an iPad anywhere near bedtime - probably that is why she has problems falling asleep now certainly don't encourage it

Delphiniumsblue · 26/08/2014 13:50

I have come to the conclusion Hykluyt , over several threads, that we inhabit the same universe!
MN is an endless fascination to me as I feel it is a different universe. I can't imagine banishing a teenager to their bedroom once they stay up later. I prefer it to be their home. It is a short period looking back- they have all left and hopefully DH and I have decades left of adult time and we had lots when they were younger.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/08/2014 13:51

You do not want any electronic devices in bedrooms- certainly not an 8 yr old.

DaisyFlowerChain · 26/08/2014 13:53

It's a bit like threads where certain foods are hidden from the children or they can't have friends round etc. Never understand it, it's their house too.

MrsDavidBowie · 26/08/2014 13:53

None of us are in same room in evening. Dd 17 is usually in her room, dh and ds in lounge and I am in kitchen or bedroom.
Dd watches no tv, dh and ds watch sport all the time and I read.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/08/2014 13:58

We were often not in the same room but that is not the same as making them go out of a room! They may well have been in their room, but they could join us at any time- go to bed after us, make a cup of tea etc.

Delphiniumsblue · 26/08/2014 14:00

You have also got the option of going out and leaving them at home. Easy to get adult time as they get older. What do you do if they have a friend around or girlfriend etc?

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