About friend and my birthday.

[Lezprechaun]

It's my birthday and we are planning to go for a nice meal with friends. One of the people invited is a close, long term friend and her family.

This particular friend has lost a lot of weight over the last year (around 10 stone in total!) and has done amazingly! She has turned her life around and is now active and involved in charity runs etc. all of which is brilliant and done her the world of good. She is now at a healthy weight and is maintaining this to prevent regaining it as opposed to still actively dieting.

Anyway the restaurant we are going to does not have salad on the menu and so friend has said she cannot come.

It's worth mentioning there is the option to have a lighter meal, just meat and veg or even just mixed veg if that's all she wanted but because she cannot have salad she has said there is nothing on the menu she can eat therefore she and her family cannot come.

I know some people don't celebrate adult birthdays but we do and so does this friend. Her last birthday involved a pub crawl in another town, meal out and overnight hotel stay which I attended and spent a lot for.

AIBU to expect this friend to come and just eat something smaller, or if she genuinely cannot eat a single thing on the menu ( which seems unlikely ) to eat a salad at home and join us for a drink? We are going later so this wouldn't be a huge issue.

I expect my feelings may be clouded by the disappointment at this friend not being there.

Well done to your friend on losing so much weight, that is some achievement

However, I think still being so restrictive to maintain is not very healthy. I'm following slimming world, and my my consultant is fab. She readily admits to over indulging, and explains that once your at target its fairly to pull it back

Happy birthday! Yanbu, she isn't much of a friend. I would have been upset as it's really a pathetic excuse.
She could have eaten before, or something light off the menu or even just come for a drink.

I understand your disappointment but do not blame the friend. For her the temptation may seem too great for her and she is very keen not to put weight back on. It may be for her that prior to losing the weight some food or the amount of it was an addiction and so it could be seen as similar to Jimmy Greaves for many years never going to a function where alcohol was served, after he stopped drinking.

Jim - she has a run coming up which is why I think she is being so restricted, I know she has treated herself before on special occasions. It's a cavery type place we are going by the way so you take what you want and leave what you don't want. If she so wished she could literally just have a plate of veg or some skinless meat and veg.

Just upset that she won't be there, and neither will her partner who I get along with very well also (and is not dieting etc).

Losing weight seems to have taken over her life, she looks brilliant now and is a completely new woman since losing so much. I wonder if because she was big her whole life she is scared of putting it back on and returning to where she was. But then I'm not asking her to forget her diet and have a takeout etc. she can eat what she wants and as much or as little as what she wants.

Saints - that would make sense except she went to Taybarns a week or two ago which is a place she previously over-are massively and managed to have salad and a small taste of other food with no problems. It seems to be related to the lack of salad on the menu.

I'm tempted to just go somewhere bloody different but then we've already moved the time to accommodate her and its all been agreed for days with the other people who are coming.

Total pain, but could you phone and ask them if they could do her a salad!

Good idea Wips

My mother was a strict vegetarian and picky about what vegetables she'd eat. I looked at a restaurant's menu, saw there was nothing she'd eat and asked them for a specific meal (concocted from bits of other menu items). For instance, if cauliflower cheese were not on the menu but one item was cauliflower (as a vegetable), cheese was with another and a sauce with another). They agreed to make a particular dish for her so we took her there for such a meal.

A salad should be no trouble if bits are already on the menu eg as garnish perhaps.

Going to phone and ask now but they don't seem to do any salad type ingredients on the menu at all. It's a cavery type place so you help yourself to meat, potatoes and veg.

Can't believe a restaurant offers no salad..... Even lowly macdonalds offers salad!!! Are you sure?

I think she is being unreasonable and should just have some mixed veg which is basically a hot salad!

She's just making excuses. If she's training for a run then she needs protein and a carvery where she can have meat and veg sounds ideal. She doesn't sound much of a friend tbh

Hmm, I'd probably cut her some slack. She is terrified of regaining (which she wouldn't on say turkey an veg) but leave her be at the moment.

It will take time. She will come back to celebrations etc eventually.

She's being ridiculous.

OP, I've lost a vast amount of weight in the past (8 stone) and lived in fear of putting it all back (which I did, eventually, sigh).

The fact that your friend is refusing to celebrate the birthday of a dear friend like you is a big red flag to me. She is probably feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of eating at a carvery buffet. The excuse she gives about there 'not being any salad' is just that, it misses the real point, her overwhelming fear of eating out of control like she did in the past.

My fear about overeating when on the diet was nothing compared to the terror I felt when trying to maintain the weight loss. I had developed such a damaged relationship with food that I could not maintain the weight loss over time.

The shame and despair I felt after failing in such a public and spectacular way was devastating to me. It is seven years since that time and I still mourn that slim me and wonder why I fucked up and threw it all away.

I wonder whether you can meet with your friend separately and do something else to celebrate your birthday. I am imagining that she is feeling totally shit about letting you down but may be to ashamed to say why (it's not the salad, it's the fear of the food/buffet/losing control).

Please don't be angry with her, forgive her and give her a hug, maybe she will open up and talk to you about her fears.

Good luck.

Check the bar menu when you call. The main carvery bit often only have veg but the bars do other meals.

Yanbu. She sounds unhinged, sorry!

YANBU... BUT with a disclaimer...

I have lost 7 stone this year since January and believe me, you have to be SO focussed to do such a thing, people who have not done it really can't understand that when you say you are not allowed to eat something / drink something etc that you are NOT being fussy, you are in a programme and you need to keep your wits about you.

The biggest battle I have had to overcome was not (as I expected) with myself, but with other well-meaning people saying 'oh but surely you can have x' or 'just a little bit if y won't hurt you'. CONSTANT willpower is really tiring.

That being said, I agree that if there is nothing on the menu that is suitable for her then she should come out anyway, I have deliberately kept going to social occasions as you can't avoid life endlessly.

Maybe gently let your friend know that you are really proud of her but you would really like her to join you even if just for a glass of fizzy water!

good luck xx

I'd put it back on her. Tell her that you're going to x-place and if she doesn't like the look of the menu she can ring them to see what alternatives they can offer.

The fact that she HAS eaten in other places in the last year means that she can when she wants to. If your group does birthdays then the group does them and that's that.

Don't pander to this selfish behaviour. Your friend is going to have to come to terms with her weight loss and also the fact that some people will never have had that problem in the first place. The world isn't going to revolve around her eating regime and, if she wants to, she can easily accommodate a healthy option everywhere you go to eat.

Just go somewhere else? Who doesn't have a salad on the menu? Sounds like a rather grim/limited choice of venue. Or are you paying for everyone- hence the choice of eatery?