To think our daughter should finish with her boyfriend?

[blueyonder1]

Our 19 year old daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for coming up a year now. We and various friends and relatives cannot see what she sees in him and think she is far too good for him. He's extremely scruffy, says little (even to her friends who are the same age group) and has no enthusiasm for anything. She's an intelligent uni student and over the past year we have noticed a real change in her- she seems to have lost her sense of humour and doesn't seem to bother what she looks like anymore.
We have gone along with it for this long hoping she would see the light, we are very wary of driving a wedge between her and us. Any advice? Thanks

[3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole]

If you try and get her to leave him she will only want him more. Give it time and if he is all you say she will likely see this herself in time

[NickNackNooToYou]

At 19 she will make her own decisions. The more you dislike him the more she'll want to be with him.

It'll be hard but my advice is to keep out of it & maybe fling open the windows everytime he comes round!

[Thistledew]

All you can do is talk to her about standards she should expect in a relationship - is he kind to her, treats her with respect, takes responsibility for looking after the housework (whether or not they live together), is financially sensible? Make sure you have an open dialogue so that she can talk to you about whether or not she is genuinely happy with the relationship.

You will have to do so without directly criticising the bf or she will become defensive. You will also have to trust her judgment as an adult. I do wish my parents had spoken to me more about what makes a good relationship, but criticism would not have helped. Ultimately, if he treats her well, you will just have to accept it is her choice to be with him and learn to get along with him.

[Catzeyess]

Do not have an agenda against him, that will push her towards him and don't for goodness sake tell her she is too good for him. But you can talk to her if you have that kind of relationship just spent time with her and ask her non judgy questions about him and listen, chances are she will open up if she is unhappy and you can gently remind her that if she feels unhappy she doesn't have to stay with him, but do not force the unhappy issue let her bring it up if that's how she feels. The least personal it is about him and the more it is about what are 'red flags' and what makes a good relationship in general the less defensive she will get

[HappyAgainOneDay]

My DS was 19 or 20 and went out with a girl whom I didn't really dislike but I 'knew' she wasn't right for him She was common. I spoke to my DS about it but, as expected, he ignored me and went out with her for 2 years.

When I met another girlfriend, I knew she was the one for him and they've been married for coming up to 15 years now with two lovely boys.

Mothers know but, like anything else, DCs ignore them.

[scaevola]

The girl is still 19 and, though legally adult and over the age of consent, she's still OP's DD and you don't magically turn off all concern for them just because they've passed certain birthdays.

If OP saw bruises, would you be saying butt out? If 'no' then do you rate potential psychological abuse as serious? For OP described a change in her DD's personality and behaviour. If you thought that might be drugs causing the changes rather than domestic abuse, would it still be 'butt out'?

OP, if you are worried about her, then I think you should act on it. At university, teens get a first chance at living away from home and can make mistakes. You've ascribed the changes to the unpleasant BF, but do you actually know this for sure? I think you need to find ways to reinforce communication between you and DD (if she's away some of thtime, it's quite likel it needs attention). And then, without mention the BF, talk about how she seems a but different, ask what's up and listen to what she says.

I take it no younger siblings? Because they would be the bet at pointing out effectively that she stinks. Never say anything about the BF smell, just open windows and buy reed diffusers (or whatever). Don't say why, just let her notice (maybe) and in the unlikely event she asks, be vague "I thought there was a really nasty smell, I can't work out what it is or why it's lingering. Maybe it's got into the fabric. I hope it'll fade"

Can you invite other people round when the BF visits? Maybe her school friends or those from clubs/activities? Again, never say anything about him. Just provide the opportunity for herto make her own comparisons between peer groups.

That's assuming that there is no disclosure from her about psychological abuse or drugs. If those occur, then you'd need to seek specialist advice ASAP.

[limitedperiodonly]

My MIL is a lovely woman - to me - but my God, what a condescending cow she is to my SIL and to a previous girlfriend of BIL's who she also didn't think was good enough for her boy.

Being with them is toe-curling and consequently my SIL limits contact. I don't blame her. I also wouldn't blame her if she resented me for being the favourite. Luckily she doesn't. She doesn't even complain about MIL that much whereas I'd be bitching like crazy after a glass of wine.

MIL often brings up how difficult SIL is. I just make soothing noises while thinking: 'It's you.'

I don't know what I've done to pass muster with MIL because she loves DH just as much as his brother. And I'm common too - and I'm not going to cross it out - so it can't be that.

[tobysmum77]

to be honest if it was me from the op I'd be worried about drugs.

It's hard op. My godmother was rather shocked/ upset when she announced her divorce after 20 odd years marriage when her mother turned round and told her she never liked him anyway. My mother knew her mum didn't like him (best friend, also didn't like him and said nothing).

If it was me I'd have to say something at least, just the once then stand back. Unfortunately whatever is going on its her life.

[tittifilarious]

HappyAgainOneDay

Mothers know but, like anything else, DCs ignore them.

My mum didn't. She had awful taste in my boyfriends. But we have completely different priorities and tastes so no surprises there!

[tittifilarious]

OP I might be out of line here but could her loss of humour be anything to do with how she knows you view her boyfriend? Tread carefully is all I would say.

[DollyMixture99]

Ah yes, I had one of those boyfriends around your DDs age. My parents hated him.

However, they welcomed him into the bosom of the family with open arms and I can tell you it put me right off. It is no fun to watch your bad boy boyfriend talking about baking cakes with your mum!

Seriously there's nothing you can do, just welcome him into the family and hope they break up.

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

Oh Jesus, of course you can something. It probally matters in how you deliver what you day, it doesn't have to be an all out attack on him, but you can defanatly talk about your concerns for her.

Yes there does have to be an element if biting your tongue (I've had to do it with dd1 and her bf) but if her personal cleanlyness changed and she didn't seem happy, yes I would broach it.

When I was 21 I got in to an abusive relationship where my cunt of an ex didn't like me washing with smelly perfumed stuff or using make up, if I made an effort (just basically changing clothes) he would want to know who it was for

There is absolutely nothing wrong with noticing a negative change in your dd and questioning it.

[Roussette]

OP - she will just know you don't like him. Kids aren't daft, they pick up the vibes so whatever you do, don't express your dislike of him verbally. She is only 19, she may well have a lot of boyfriends in front of her and for now this is what suits her and she likes him.

My DD went out with someone who I just couldn't take to. I couldn't work out why but he was just a bit irritating (telling me I was cooking my spaghetti bolognaise all wrong didn't help). She met him at Uni and I welcomed him into our home when he came to stay with her for a week in the holidays. I covered it up well I think and he was a bit cringeworthy at times and I could tell she felt that. However, it went on a year until she finished it.

Her and I had a conversation about him the other day and as some time has gone by, I could say that I felt he was a bit of an idiot and she agreed! But at the time you just have to go with the flow, your DD has to find her own way in relationships and there is nothing you can do except keep communication open.

It's pretty horrible to be going out with someone when you know your Mum and all your rellies don't like him - but you do. Don't make that worse for her.

[Silvercatowner]

Be warned. A long time ago my aunt shared her thoughts with her son, my cousin, about his girlfriend. Similar concerns to yours. He moved to Australia, we suspect to get away from her interfering in his life, and effectively went no contact.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

There is a mid way between voicing your dislike and pretending to like him and thus her thinking she can't ditch him as everyone will be disappointed.

It's called 'talking'. Asking how it's going, what are they both up to, who their other friends are etc etc etc.

If you pick up on a vibe of 'I don't want to be in this relationship but can't work out how to ditch him' then help her.

If you pick up on a vibe of 'he is the most marvelous person in the world ever' then dig deeper into 'ooh darling, sounds great. What sorts of things do you mean - like dad when he does x and y?' and find out what she is thinking.

'He is so jealous of me being with other friends and wants to be with me all the time' is a red flag and then you will know whether you need to help her see the light.

[frostyfingers]

All I'd say is tread very carefully - you stand the chance of your DD disappearing from your life if you start to interfere. You may think she's still too young (and I know where you're coming from as I have 2 19yo sons), but she thinks she is - and legally is - an adult so can do what she likes.

At 19 I thought I was invincible and went out with what I'm sure my parents would have thought were deeply unsuitable boys, (partly I suspect because I know they'd would think they were unsuitable), but they were civil, occasionally invited them to family occasions, and generally kept their counsel. I'm pretty sure that when they met my now DH they breathed a huge sigh of relief as he fit their bill of "suitable" - luckily for them as I would have married him even if he didn't!

[Delphiniumsblue]

Very wise Dollymixture.

[blueyonder1]

Thanks for all your advice. We still have a good relationship with her as we "have gone along with it" (LatteLoverLovesLattes- just a phrase implying we haven't done or said anything to discourage the relationship). It seems the consensus of opinion is continue to stay out of it but watch out for her. I am concerned that they are together nearly 24/7. She sees very little of her friends- 3 times in the last 3 months, so I doubt any of them have passed comment on him (although they have to me when I have bumped in to them).
She has never introduced him to any of our friends and family although they do spend a fair amount of time at our house- they always manage to be out of the house when we have people round. I am sure there are no drugs issues and that he is not physically abusive. I am not a judgmental person by nature, as someone said as a mum you sometimes know when something just isn't right. I'm just hoping my elderly neighbour (by age only!) is right- she went through the good, the bad and the downright awful with her 3 girls but they all managed to find a good one in the end!

[Mrsjayy]

Im not keen on dds bf he is a nice enough lad but has no oomf about him they have been together 5 I dont say anything what can I say to her anyway nothing her choice really op maybe there is things going on you dont know about ask her but you cant say it is the bf fault she is 19 and make s her own choices,

[Mrsjayy]

5 years*

[GiveMeCheesecake]

I wouldn't say anything.

I went out with a complete arsehole when I was a teenager. My parents didn't hide their dislike for him and it only pushed me towards him. At first it was just a feeling they had about it. Despite the fact he was absolutely no good, I was head over heels and determined to stay with him no matter what. So when he would upset me or cheat on me, I wouldn't tell my parents. I would bury my head in the sand, convince myself we could make it work and forgive him. I knew if I told my parents it would give them even more reason to dislike him and prove them right.

I put up with it for 4 years before finally seeing the light.

If you DD does finally break up with him, or him with her, DON'T say, "I never liked him anyway" or feel as if you can now open up and tell her what you really felt. It doesn't help or make it better.

[Purplepoodle]

I stuck with my ex bf even when he was a complete shit to me as I didn't want to admit I was wrong to my disapproving parents. I didn't feel I could turn to them until things got to the point he was hitting me. If they hadn't been so disapproving I would have def turned to them before it got so bad

[kiritekanawa]

The best possible advice (as already given upthread by Thistledew) would be to talk to your daughter about what makes a good, comfortable relationship. Some of the points to mention might be self-awareness, engagement (acting on things), and general courtesy to others, which sound like they might be a bit lacking, in an unwashed and monosyllabic boyfriend.

I went out with some abusive arseholes when I was younger. I had no idea what made a good relationship, because my parents didn't model one at all. Thanks to NHS counsellors and Mumsnet I managed to find out how relationships and friendships should work, and my life's now a lot simpler and more comfortable

[ForalltheSaints]

A thought from me- is your daughter someone who is frightened not to be in a relationship, or glad be in one which is not abusive/violent, and therefore the one she is in, albeit not ideal from what you describe, is better in her eyes than no relationship at all?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I feel a little bit sorry for the bloke.

from what some posters have posted
he is an abusive drug addict that is just a stop gap till someone better comes along.