To think our daughter should finish with her boyfriend?

[blueyonder1]

Our 19 year old daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for coming up a year now. We and various friends and relatives cannot see what she sees in him and think she is far too good for him. He's extremely scruffy, says little (even to her friends who are the same age group) and has no enthusiasm for anything. She's an intelligent uni student and over the past year we have noticed a real change in her- she seems to have lost her sense of humour and doesn't seem to bother what she looks like anymore.
We have gone along with it for this long hoping she would see the light, we are very wary of driving a wedge between her and us. Any advice? Thanks

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

She's 19, it's really her decision I'm afraid. It's her choice and even if he was actually doing anything wrong you couldn't make her dump him, you can only be there to support her choices. Putting pressure on her over him is more likely to end up with a schism between you and her than the outcome you want.

I really don't think there's anything you can do that wouldn't backfire.

[MardyBra]

My mum hated my bf at 19.

I went out with him for 3 years. One of those was possibly just to prove her wrong.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My Mum used to call my exBF Richard III because he was so shy he used to sort of hide behind his own shoulder. Happy days. She had a brilliant way of welcoming in the most unsuitable blokes and having them to dinner and being charming. It sorted the wheat from the chaff. The more bloody awful they were, the more she welcomed. Turned me right off them. Just saying...

[SolidGoldBrass]

Whether or not he stinks it's still not your business to interfere. She's 19. It's up to her. ANd all you will achieve by sticking your beak in is to alienate her.

[scottishmummy]

Advice?as hard as you may find it,be cool and nonplussed about him
They obviously click.to you hes monosyllabic grunt.to her,he is great
If he verbally,emotionally,physically inappropriate.yes be concerned.if he not to your liking?tough titty

[SierpinskiNumber]

Solid. You don't have to be so aggressive with all your posts

OP. I agree that it's best to do nothing about the boyfriend. Just concerntrate on maintaining a good relationship with your daughter. Do you still do nice things with her? Going out for coffee or whatever.

You can't automatically blame her boyfriend for her being more morose, it could be to do with her age or to do with other things.

[AgentZigzag]

I agree that it's nothing to do with you, unless she asks you directly what you think. It'd be very manipulative to put pressure on her to dump him because you don't like him.

Is he not washing because he can't be arsed to get himself together or because he's having problems with life in general and is maybe what you could describe as vulnerable?

[AgentZigzag]

I don't think Solid was being aggressive, short and to the point, but there's nothing in the rules about the amount of words you have to use.

[Wantsunshine]

I went out with a few nobs at 19 my dad was not happy about it and somehow put a stop to it. I guess I was financially dependant on my dad. But to be fair looking back although I shouted etc of how unfair it was he didn't like my boyfriend he was right. The again my dad wasn't unreasonable! If there was a guy who was ok I am sure I would have had an argument to come back with....I didn't !

[Tiptops]

It's nothing to do with you, and sharing your unwanted opinion will only drive a wedge between you and her. Please do not interfere.

[however]

Yes, she probably should, and I hope she does. I'm sure you're well aware you can't make her break up with him. Whomever my kids go out with will be very much my business. That doesn't mean I won't know when not to interfere.

[Jux]

The worst thing you can do is poke your nose in. It'll only polarise your positions and she will carry on dating him for much longer, just to show you. Play the long game. Grit your teeth.

[unitarian]

Quickest way to get a DD to dump her boyfriend?

Say he's a nice boy. You'll never see him again.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

There's nothing you can do. My mum didn't like my bf at 19, she knew he wasn't right for me. I went out with him for 7 years! She said afterwards that she knew she had to just let me get on with it. Luckily I came to my senses and have a very lovely husband who I know my mum does like. She's 19, I doubt it will last.

[gingercat2]

I agree with all of the above. My parents were completely against my boyfriend at 19, and tried everything to break us up. It ended up alienating me from my parents. I married him and hardly spoke to them for years. If they had allowed me to explore the relationship without interference, I probably wouldn't have married him.

[paxtecum]

Forty years ago I married my 'unsuitable' boyfriend, just to prove my Mum was wrong.
She wasn't wrong after all, but I did continue being married for 30 years!.

Your DD will already know you don't like him, but don't push it.

[paxtecum]

Forty years ago I married my 'unsuitable' boyfriend, just to prove my Mum was wrong.
She wasn't wrong after all, but I did continue being married for 30 years!.

Your DD will already know you don't like him, but don't push it.

[Letticebonhamcarter1974]

My eldest daughter (16) has, over the last few months, begun her first relationship. I guess I've already realised that I must allow her to make her own decisions in matters of the heart. I do like her boyfriend a great deal, which makes things easier, although in the first few weeks he could have been perfection in every sense and I would still have felt as I did, which was a little apprehensive and wary.

I always try and remember what I was like as a teenager. When I was 18 I began a relationship with a man ten years older than me and my parents were extremely annoyed and worried. We were happily married for almost ten years. Nothing my parents could have said would have altered my behaviour one iota - despite my enormous affection and respect for them. It feels quite counter-productive when the urge is to protect but we have to let our children make their own mistakes and successes as they become adults.

[unrealhousewife]

I would have loved for my Mum to put things in perspective for me while I wasted years with unsuitable relationships. If saying something alienates you it will not be forever, but it will make her stop and think and deep down she will know it is because you care.

Why is it that mothers are always put in the role of peacekeeper and fathers get the job of 'sort him out if he steps out of line'?

My mother has watched me move from one abusive or inadequate relationship to another and each time having her blessing made me think it was all ok. Sorry to disagree with nearly every other poster so far but if you can't tell her then nobody else will.

[ilovesooty]

I don't think there was anything wrong with what *SDTG said

Perhaps you and your various friends and relatives could consider minding your own business and being a bit less judgmental. It would different if he were abusive of course but the fact that he doesn't match your standards is no reason for her to terminate the relationship.

[ilovesooty]

SGB sorry.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

Absolutely nothing wrong with what SGB said.

OP - it must be hard to stand by and watch her with someone who can't even shower & wear clean clothes and who appears to be 'dragging her down' - but if you say anything or make it clear how much you dislike him it will just make her dig her heels in. All you can do it hope it doesn't last and be there for her if they break up in the same way you would have been if you had liked him. Treating as 'a relief' will not help your relationship at all.

[nooka]

My mother made it very clear that she didn't like or approve of my boyfriend when I was 19. He too wasn't 'good enough'. The result was I didn't see very much of her for the next few years as our relationship became very rocky.

Almost 25 years later and now dh and her have a pretty good relationship, but I'm still not very happy with how she behaved back then. Now my dd has her first girlfriend I can understand where my mother was coming from, but I hope very much that I will manage the relationship with my children's girl/boy friends better. Letting your children know that you don't like the person they have decided they love is really not a great approach. If there is unkindness or abuse involved then maybe intervention may be required, but otherwise it's their life and their journey, not yours.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

Also We have gone along with it for this long what exactly do you mean by that? You have gone along with it - she's not a 4 year old pretending to be a dog, she's a 19 year old adult seeing someone you don't like. Going along with it doesn't come into it unless you are planning on disowning her/withdrawing any funding/otherwise 'punishing' her. Weird thing to say.

[Delphiniumsblue]

What choice do you have other than 'go along with it'? What do you think would happen if you didn't 'go along with it'? My guess is throw them together - there is nothing better for young love than being 'star crossed lovers' whose families don't understand them!
MrsTerryPrachett's mother was a wise woman. Have this young man around lots, be charming, chat to him a lot, invite him out on family outings, kill him with kindness! She will most likely see him as he really is.