To think our daughter should finish with her boyfriend?

[blueyonder1]

Our 19 year old daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for coming up a year now. We and various friends and relatives cannot see what she sees in him and think she is far too good for him. He's extremely scruffy, says little (even to her friends who are the same age group) and has no enthusiasm for anything. She's an intelligent uni student and over the past year we have noticed a real change in her- she seems to have lost her sense of humour and doesn't seem to bother what she looks like anymore.
We have gone along with it for this long hoping she would see the light, we are very wary of driving a wedge between her and us. Any advice? Thanks

[Mrsjayy]

Babysitting is one thing though

[ArabellaTarantella]

to be honest if it was me from the op I'd be worried about drugs

What on earth makes you think ^^ tobysmum?.

What a strange conclusion to come to

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

MrsJayy. Pretty boy's sister is a single Mum who misses her clubbing. They spend a lot of time at her flat playing house with babysitting her apparently adorable toddler. And Pretty boy's Mum loves DD and thinks he should hang on to her.

[Mrsjayy]

I thought my dd would do that tinkly not the baby she hates babies, anyway I was talking to her if she ever wanted to move away for work or whatever she said well he could either stay or go with her as there is no way she would stop what she wanted to do because he didn't want tom so that was a sigh of relief I dont want to derail the thread but he is a home body all his family live within walking distance of each other and I think his mother expect s him to do the same dd isnt into that at all

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

My DD1 (18) has a boyfriend we are not very keen on. He is tall blond and handsome but seems to have zero personality. He hardly says a word when he's round our house. Okay, he may be shy but two words in six months?

But the worst thing is that he adores DD, has a decently paid job as a tradesman and really wants to get a place to live with her. DD has just got some great A levels and is planning to go to University next year after doing her Art foundation. I really want her to have that experience and I'm scared she'll throw it away for a little flat and a baby with a kind, pretty boy.

[silveroldie2]

At a similar age my sister had a boyfriend who no-one in the family liked. He would not turn up for dates or turn up at 10 o'clock etc and about four years into the relationship my parents told her they didn't think he was good for her. She bristled and said he was the love of her life so parents said fine it's your life and never said another word. They were always polite to him and about six months later my sister saw the light and dumped him. He sat in his car outside the house all night crying his eyes out - too little too late. Mind you the man she married wasn't much better, he was a cheater and she left him aged 60.

[blueyonder1]

Former being various friends and relatives that I referred to in my initial post.

[blueyonder1]

The former being her friends and immediate family - her older sisters and partners who don't live at home. The latter our friends and other family - my cousins and aunts who are weekly visitors to our house. Sorry for the confusion hope that makes it clearer!

[StoorieHoose]

At 19 I'm pretty sure I didn't want to hang out and introduce my bf to my mums friends or the extended family!

[KanyeBeArsed]

She has never introduced him to any of our friends and family although they do spend a fair amount of time at our house- they always manage to be out of the house when we have people round

Call me a nit picker but if this is the case then how can it be that:

We and various friends and relatives cannot see what she sees in him and think she is far too good for him

[YouTheCat]

OP, start asking them about plans for a wedding. Start hinting at baby names and talking about hats. There's nothing more certain to have the lad running for the hills.

[LiveAndLetDie]

My 21 year old came out a relationship last year with most abusive twat. She was with him for 3 years. DH and I hated him, really hated him. But we never let on to her, we even let him stay over when she still lived at home. We just kept hoping she would see him for how he really was. Thankfully after he had pushed her to far last year she finally saw him for how he was and they split up. We were then able to tell her what we really thought of him and how abusive he was. It's hell watching them in a relationship with someone who is so horrible, but you have to be patient. Although honestly if the worst things about him is that he's scruffy, smells a bit and is quiet then he doesn't sound that bad, it could be worse.

[Summerisle1]

She's 19. Having a boyfriend that your parents disapprove of is a positive rite of passage! The more you object to him, the more desirable an object of affection he'll become.

[x2boys]

My sister had a boyfriend at the same age who my parents hated he didn't have a job he wanted to be an actor so considered working beneath him y sistercwent out with him for about three years also as he lived about twenty miles away and neither of them drove he stayed at our house a lot ,she eventually finished with him.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I feel a little bit sorry for the bloke.

from what some posters have posted
he is an abusive drug addict that is just a stop gap till someone better comes along.

[ForalltheSaints]

A thought from me- is your daughter someone who is frightened not to be in a relationship, or glad be in one which is not abusive/violent, and therefore the one she is in, albeit not ideal from what you describe, is better in her eyes than no relationship at all?

[kiritekanawa]

The best possible advice (as already given upthread by Thistledew) would be to talk to your daughter about what makes a good, comfortable relationship. Some of the points to mention might be self-awareness, engagement (acting on things), and general courtesy to others, which sound like they might be a bit lacking, in an unwashed and monosyllabic boyfriend.

I went out with some abusive arseholes when I was younger. I had no idea what made a good relationship, because my parents didn't model one at all. Thanks to NHS counsellors and Mumsnet I managed to find out how relationships and friendships should work, and my life's now a lot simpler and more comfortable

[Purplepoodle]

I stuck with my ex bf even when he was a complete shit to me as I didn't want to admit I was wrong to my disapproving parents. I didn't feel I could turn to them until things got to the point he was hitting me. If they hadn't been so disapproving I would have def turned to them before it got so bad

[GiveMeCheesecake]

I wouldn't say anything.

I went out with a complete arsehole when I was a teenager. My parents didn't hide their dislike for him and it only pushed me towards him. At first it was just a feeling they had about it. Despite the fact he was absolutely no good, I was head over heels and determined to stay with him no matter what. So when he would upset me or cheat on me, I wouldn't tell my parents. I would bury my head in the sand, convince myself we could make it work and forgive him. I knew if I told my parents it would give them even more reason to dislike him and prove them right.

I put up with it for 4 years before finally seeing the light.

If you DD does finally break up with him, or him with her, DON'T say, "I never liked him anyway" or feel as if you can now open up and tell her what you really felt. It doesn't help or make it better.

[Mrsjayy]

5 years*

[Mrsjayy]

Im not keen on dds bf he is a nice enough lad but has no oomf about him they have been together 5 I dont say anything what can I say to her anyway nothing her choice really op maybe there is things going on you dont know about ask her but you cant say it is the bf fault she is 19 and make s her own choices,

[blueyonder1]

Thanks for all your advice. We still have a good relationship with her as we "have gone along with it" (LatteLoverLovesLattes- just a phrase implying we haven't done or said anything to discourage the relationship). It seems the consensus of opinion is continue to stay out of it but watch out for her. I am concerned that they are together nearly 24/7. She sees very little of her friends- 3 times in the last 3 months, so I doubt any of them have passed comment on him (although they have to me when I have bumped in to them).
She has never introduced him to any of our friends and family although they do spend a fair amount of time at our house- they always manage to be out of the house when we have people round. I am sure there are no drugs issues and that he is not physically abusive. I am not a judgmental person by nature, as someone said as a mum you sometimes know when something just isn't right. I'm just hoping my elderly neighbour (by age only!) is right- she went through the good, the bad and the downright awful with her 3 girls but they all managed to find a good one in the end!

[Delphiniumsblue]

Very wise Dollymixture.

[frostyfingers]

All I'd say is tread very carefully - you stand the chance of your DD disappearing from your life if you start to interfere. You may think she's still too young (and I know where you're coming from as I have 2 19yo sons), but she thinks she is - and legally is - an adult so can do what she likes.

At 19 I thought I was invincible and went out with what I'm sure my parents would have thought were deeply unsuitable boys, (partly I suspect because I know they'd would think they were unsuitable), but they were civil, occasionally invited them to family occasions, and generally kept their counsel. I'm pretty sure that when they met my now DH they breathed a huge sigh of relief as he fit their bill of "suitable" - luckily for them as I would have married him even if he didn't!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

There is a mid way between voicing your dislike and pretending to like him and thus her thinking she can't ditch him as everyone will be disappointed.

It's called 'talking'. Asking how it's going, what are they both up to, who their other friends are etc etc etc.

If you pick up on a vibe of 'I don't want to be in this relationship but can't work out how to ditch him' then help her.

If you pick up on a vibe of 'he is the most marvelous person in the world ever' then dig deeper into 'ooh darling, sounds great. What sorts of things do you mean - like dad when he does x and y?' and find out what she is thinking.

'He is so jealous of me being with other friends and wants to be with me all the time' is a red flag and then you will know whether you need to help her see the light.