about DH or is he about me???

[Frustrated101]

Name changed and changed a few details for this post as it may out me.

Me and DH have been together since high school and have been together for 23 yrs. We have 3 dc, (DD) 11, (DS1) 7 and (DS2) 2.

My DH has a very stressful job as a manager and works different hours each week. I have 2 PT jobs which total 11 hours a week but are dotted over 3 days.

I mainly look after the jobs at home i.e. washing (I pay my mum to do my ironing for me), cleaning, food shopping ordering (I get it delivered), cooking, all the paperwork for kids school, bills, insurance etc, putting things away, organising our diaries, all the big events (christmas, birthday parties etc), taking the kids to their social engagements. I don't mind doing any of these jobs. I like doing them.

DH has some jobs that he always does. He empties the bin, feeds and cleans out the cat and empties the dishwasher but he is good at helping out other times too. When he is on a late shift he will help with getting the kids ready for school, making breakfast, tidying the kitchen, getting bags ready etc and after the school run he will do either some DIY job or help with the washing. He tends not to do as much if he comes home at tea time as I am just in a routine with bedtime and prefer to do it myself but he always offers his help which occasionally I take up.

The problem I have is that he is always moaning at me that it isn't clean enough or tidy enough. He does admit that he is a little bit of a perfectionist and wants it to be spotless. I have explained that it really isn't possible with 3 children but he still thinks I haven't done much all day. He has also used the term Lazy which I most definitely am not. DS1 has MLD (1:1 TA at school) and DS2 is going through his terrible two's. Even if the house is looking really tidy, by the time they have been home from school for half an hour, it looks a mess. Usually when he is home late it the kids are in bed and house looks tidy except the kitchen which usually still has some thing about but when he arrives home during tea, homework, bed time, he comes in and just looks at all the mess and sighs.

He says that he looks after the dc on his own and keeps the place looking tidy which he does but he never for instance is cleaning the bathroom while they are ransacking another room.

I have just become the chair of a group and am doing the admin for another. I see these as my hobbies just as he goes to the gym but he is annoyed as while I am doing these things during the week, it means that housework has to be done on a weekend when we could be out with the dc. I would be happy to leave the jobs til the week after but he doesn't.

DH thinks he is NBU and if we asked people, they would probably think I didn't do as much as I should too.

Or alternatively - & this is particularly pertinent as I just re-read your op and see that you have 3 small children as opposed to my trifling 1&1 on way - next time he has a grumble about kiddie mess you could just ask did he not think to consider that having three kids might just possibly entail at least a decade of wading through clutter to some extent? I mean, had he ever met a child or turned on the TV before?! :) in other words, he had brought it upon himself so he should just get used to it! (This is what I occasionally find to be the only retort, esp when said toddler has been a complete and utter whinge-bag all day and dp points out the three bricks and a book that have slipped through the net of the 8:30pm swoop.....!!)

Thanks for posting a perfect venting opportunity OP.... You can tell I needed it! :)

My hobbies/social life probably takes up more time in total as my friends are always planning something. I go out socially a bout 2-3 times a month, one of my groups takes 1 hr per week and 1 hr admin a week and the other groups takes 15 nights a year as it is mainly a during the day sort of thing. He goes to the gym which takes up about 5 hrs a week. He doesnt go out as much. Some months zero times and other months once or twice. We also go out together too sometimes.

He says its because i complain about being too busy to do everything then i take on more things. To him, the house and kids come first and other stuff second. I agree but my home is fairly clean and fairly tidy and i am very involved with the dc. One of my PT jobs is at the dc's school and the groups are dc based too.

We talked last night after i showed him this thread and he said he could not understand how i cant be sorted by the time he comes home at 8.30 if i am home from school at 4. I tried to give him a rough guide to my night with cooking tea, homework, bath, bed, story reading, unpacking bags, packed lunches and general tidying and breaking up fights. He says he got it but im not sure he did. He totally thinks he can do a better job than i can.

He thinks i must spend hours every day surfing the internet and if something isnt finished on a particular day but i have been to my mums for an hour (i do this about 3 times a week) then he thinks i shouldnt have gone.

I know he has a stressful job and this really isnt about him doing more. He does enough. In fact i wish he would do less but for him to let go of his perfectionist ways.

He thinks that he cant just pop out for coffee with a friend during his working day so why should i.

I think you need to get into full time employment and resign as his domestic employee.

He has clearly confused the role of domestic servant with that of a partner. Having brought up 2 children AND had a senior management role at work I can tell you which was the easier. And it wasn't the bringing up of the children.

DH has just started this re the house and I don't know what to say. He is a neat freak and if the kitchen is messy I get a huffing and puffing from the kitchen which makes me on edge and extremely tense.

He knows we have different standards but I get feel horrid when he is slamming around.

I'd love to jump on the 'he's bu' bandwagon...but really, from one side of the story you can't really tell how much mess is there.

If he's going around with a white glove to check for dust and moaning about 3 cups on the kitchen counter, clearly yanbu and he is being v unreasonable.

BUT...I have recently experienced the shoe on the other foot. Other than maternity leave dh and I both work full time. Recently, dh had 3 months off work (paid...his new job put off the start date after he finished with his old company).

So it was going to be great, so I thought. Dh home all day for 3 months, which would be a nice 'break' for us both in a way as it eased the pressure on having to rush from work to the kids football practice, on doing school pick ups in our lunch hours, in making packed lunches at 10pm at night etc.

The reality was so different. I would get home at 6.30 from work and the dinner dishes would all be there still (as well as general kitchen mess). There would be washing piled up, general kids toys and clutter around. Not a pigsty, but far from desirable.

I started to resent him quite a bit. He was at home all day...that's ten hours from when I left, with one child in full time school and another in part time. I do struggle to understand quite what he did all day tbh.

Now he's back at work, we're back to splitting things equally, and all is well. But I do think that some SAHM parents fall into the trap of thinking that things should be split 'equally' still, when realistically, if staying at home is your 'job', ten hours a day should (in most cases) be plenty to get everything done.

When I was a child, my granny told me hundreds of times to always make sure I had my own pound. I didn't understand what she meant until I started reading threads like this here.

My husband doesn't supervise me and criticise the state of the place to me. Money really is power, even in the home.

I'm on the fence - sorry.
Unless he's coming in and looking around for dust, crumbs on the carpet etc. then I think he's maybe just not realising how busy and chaotic homework/dinner/bath/bed time can be, in my house when dc were young it was my messiest and worst time of day. It looked like a bomb had dropped until 30 mins after the dc went to bed.
It would be good if you could reverse the roles for a few weeks so he can see for himself but that's probably not possible.
He IBU with the expectation of perfection - that's his problem not yours and also his responsibility to achieve.

"So, what did you do today?"

"I murdered my husband and buried him under the patio. Oh no, sorry, my mistake - that's scheduled for tomorrow."

In answer to your question Emerald, it depends on the day. On the days where i am just at home all day i do tend to be sorted when he gets home late. These days i dont get any moaning. If it is a day when i have been in and out of the home doing my group or doing my new PT job then at 8.30 there may be toys out in the living room as dd has just gone to bed and kitchen will still have some stuff on the table and few things on worktop and maybe the tops will still not be wiped.

If he comes home at teatime then it always looks a mess with tea stuff, toys and school bags.

I have a couple of friends (SAHMs) whose husbands ( who work long hours) insist on what I think is a ridiculous level of perfection and cleanliness. Both have a lot of paid help to meet their standards.
With 3 kids it's all I can do to keep things reasonably ok.

I think your dh has has completely skewed priorities. He would rather you slaved at home cleaning and tidying rather than enjoying life, he is stressed and unhappy in his job so you should be too.

What he forgets us that if you don' t go out for 5 days then neither does your 2year old, and what is more enriching fir him/ her a few crumbs and a slightly messy house or a parent who interacts and plays and maybe takes him/ her for a walk in the woods . Ditto fir the older ones children do not place value on immaculate homes without a crumb out of place. Maybe he should start thinking a little from the dc's perspective.

I don't gave a very tidy house, dh and I both work and share all the chores, but I would rather live life than worry about the state if the house .... We blitz every couple of weeks but with 3 kids mess comes as standard.

Tbh

Sorry bloody iPad autocorrect

YANBU
It's much more important to visit your mum than tidy your house. Surely the priority must be to give your DC a happy time and for you to have some social interaction/ interests. If you were home most of the time doing chores you'd surely get depressed and become a rather dull person for him to come home to!
His comment about the coffee is irrelevant. You can't compare lifestyles like that. although I can be a bit when DH has daytime coffees with colleagues and I'm alone at home

You will never have this time again with your DC. Provided your home is reasonably run and there is food when he comes home then you should do your job how you see fit and he needed to relax about the housework.

He wants to know what you do all day - fine, tell him from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed. (I say this on every thread like this)
Do a spreadsheet and include everything you do during the day plus whatever he contributes when he's in the house. He needs to remember that with children the working day doesn't have an official start and stop like an office job does, it's ongoing do whatever is needed whenever it's needed.
Then if he's still being an arse about it get him to figure out what he can sacrifice (like his gym membership?) to pay for a cleaner if he's that bloody picky.

Send him to my house for a week and then when he reappears at your house, it'll look awesome. Life it too short.

Life is for living. Nobody died wishing they spent more time tidying the house! There is a balance of course, but it sounds like your priorities are right.
Can you get a cleaner? That would free up some weekend time, especially if cleaner comes on Fri. I have cleaners come every 2 weeks. It really helps me keep on top of everything, and does free up the weekend quite a bit.

YANBU. There are two adults in your household, both equally responsible for making mess (and dc so their mess too) and so both equally responsible for tidying and cleaning.

My aunt's dh used to get whingy about this, so her friend bought a plaque of this poem to stick on the wall.

I hope my children look back on today
And see a mother who had time to play.
Children grown up while you're not looking;
There'll be years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So quiet no cobwebs, dust go to sleep;
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall. In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel...

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

' 'Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

You could tell him that you've decided to go back to work full-time. I'd even attend interviews. Then provide him with a list of all the stuff you do, in particular the household admin that the magic fairy takes care of, and ask him which stuff he wants to be responsible for and when he plans to do it.

Yanbu he is, Please get a cleaner it will take a lot of pressure off you.