To think my mums behaviour is out of order?

[Worryworker]

I've posted in the relationship thread sometime ago now about my mum,but feel now it's turned into an AIBU type situation.

To cut a long story short, my mum has always been rather selfish. Reflecting back on my childhood she always seemed to put herself and my ex-step dad first (got with him after leaving my dad when I was 9) eg: going on holiday abroad and leaving me and dsis with her 'friend'; moving with him to another part of the country when I was 15and about to sit my GCSE's, leaving me with 18 yr old sis and her bf (we all eventually moved there).

Any way my mum spilt up from my 2nd step dad (!) last year, after the last 2 yrs of their marriage was very miserable. She was horrible towards him in the end but hated it when he told he he wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. She stalked him as he met this other woman on a dating website (joined the site just to send him messages initially although subsequently went to meet her current dp on there whom she's since moved in with- that's another story!)

The main thing I have problem with currently is that on splitting up from my step dad, she disclosed to me, my dsis and db that she had suspicions that he was a paedophile- gave example of him once staring at my niece when her bottom was being changed (she's now 11!); once picking up same niece and 'deliberately' rubbing her leg on his crotch. These were the only examples she used saying it was a gut feeling. Now this made me very angry as these incidences she gave where when they first got together and despite her concerns she chose to say nothing. I've confronted her twice now about this- suggested to her it may be a malicious lie on her part to keep us away from step dad (hates us having contact with him, despite fact he's the only grandad my and dsis kids have known).. She said it wasn't a lie and her regret is that she never said anything sooner. I said therefore that to me this is a explicit example of her putting her own needs before those of her grandchildren or any other children. Her response "I'd never have left him alone with them"!! She just doesn't get why I'm struggling to move on from this. I told her how can I not know that she may say something about current dp in future if (when!) their relationship ends and I can't trust her to put my kids safety/needs above her own (by the way- very much married step dad for financial security- money is important to her!)

I'm finding it hard to move on from this and have a relationship with her - but am IBU thinking like this?

I honestly think you'd be better off without her in your life. I couldn't have someone like that in mine...I feel very badly for you and think you should seek counselling.

No, that's a pretty big thing to keep from you.

Do you think it's true?

I think she's a liar trying to blacken his name out of revenge for having been dumped. Whatever her motive, she's a poisonous and selfish old bag. For that reason alone I'd be cutting all contact with her.

Either way she is not someone i would want a relationship with. Either way she's suck either for making up such a disgusting lie or for putting her grandchildren at risk for personal gain. Cut her out and sharpish OP- I'm sorry this is an awful situation

Sick that should be

I know I'm really struggling to be honest. Thank you so much for your replies- it has helped me to realise am completely along the right lines to go nc. My dh and other family member say how unbelievably out of order what she said is but it certainly helps to hear it from those not emotionally involved.

Username12345- no I don't believe it for a minute. Her examples were ludicrous and never have I ever seen any evidence of such behaviour.

I think it's quite telling that also she has fallen out with her dp's, db's and dsis!(after causing rows at a family party). She also has never really had an friends. She doesn't give a good impression to others when she meets them- is negative, talks about herself. Only person she is currently maintained good relationship with is my db and his wife- he's a lot younger than me and has very much been a favoured child over recent years. Think s-i-l has replaced me and dsis as a daughter as she hadn't questioned her behaviour. Seems a bit narcissistic doesn't it?

I've been an emotional mess recently and am thinking counselling/therapy is the way to go (especially as have no contact with my dad either- now beginning to wonder if picture she painted of him was true). She's excellent at blaming other and playing the victim.

Should I send her text saying I just want to cut contact (she's rung and texted a few times recently beging really arsey!)?

Very sorry to hear this, you only get one mum even if they do behave badly.

I think putting some space between yourselves and seek counselling/therapy during this period would be a very positive step and would give you the headspace and support needed to see the situation/history clearly and establish what behaviour you will and won't tolerate. The NHS may well take a while to come through so do consider private options in the meantime if you can afford it, even just a few sessions can be hugely beneficial (and ask your GP for a recommendation rather then googling).

In terms of telling your mum you want to cut contact, I'm not sure her behaviour warrants the compliment of an explanation and I would tend towards not mentioning your intentions about therapy right now, only share that privileged information with people who have your best interests at heart.

Lastly, the very serious accusation about your step dad - if it was really true and she had concerns about allowing children near him or having done something in the past then I assume she would tell the police rather than gossip about it to you.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

She does seem to show some narcissistic traits.

The story she's telling about your step-dad is awful - likely to be a malicious lie to prevent you from seeing him. If it isn't its even worse that she would keep it from you and put your children at risk.

I have a difficult mother and I recommend counselling if you can get some.

There are lots of self help type books which can help too... google narcissistic mothers or look it up on amazon or similar.

Thank you so much for replies. I shall def have a look on Amazon for an appropriate book to read.

I know, saying that about my step dad is just awful. She also rang him once and threatened to go round there and stab him!

Space away from her and counselling seems best. Although I've not seen her much recently anyway and she hasn't seen my 2 dc's for 3-4 months, despite living 5 min drive away. Reckons she 'didn't have time' to drop in some holiday money for them even though she doesn't work, has no friends to socialise with etc! Has plenty of time for db and his family though!

After texting my dm and informing I didn't want any contact for time being, she didn't respond to text and seemed to respect my decision.

However, I have just been rather poorly with pneumonia. My dm found out from my db and rung up and then subsequently came round with flowers. Asking if there was anything she could do to help etc (not seen my dc's/her grand kids for few months). I feel like she is using this as an excuse to get back in with me if that makes sense? When she was here nothing was mentioned about above.. It was like she hoping I would perhaps forget about above/all she's said and done and we can just carry on as if nothing's happened.

She's tried to ring numerous times since her visit but I haven't answered. Should I reiterate the nc message that I sent before I was unwell?
(I started therapy/counselling this wk btw).

Wow, it's a shame you all eventually moved near her after she abandoned you at 15. She didnt deserve it.

She can add nothing positive to your life and you're much better off without her. Spell out what NC means and enforce it, for your own good.

She has this great knack of making me feel bad- she's come round, bought flowers etc and now I'll feel I'm a bitch for telling her to go away. I guess this is what I need to talk about in therapy- always feeling I have to put her needs first, never wanting to upset her to detriment of my own wellbeing. DH reckons me getting pneumonia was caused by stress of all this!

Momagain1- I was only 16 when moved near her- didn't have a lot of choice as nowhere else could stay.