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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable me or my family

21 replies

AliceInGallifrey · 23/08/2014 13:47

Last night the kids where at mils like every other Friday, ( they stay at my mams on a Saturday) dh was in the house having finished at work at 4pm.

I went to an appointment at 4.30 then popped in to see my sister at work. Dsis asked me to go for tea with her and it was her treat so of course I happily agreed. After tea we decided to go for a quick drink but bumped into friends so I went home about midnight.

Dh had 110% no problem with this! I returned home he made his usual joke about my time keeping we Watched the end of the programme he was watching and went to bed.

I've just popped into my grandmas to see her and my mam. Apparently now that I'm married I should be staying at home and I'm a mother etc etc. this conversation has ended with my grandmother telling me I'm a terrible wife and I will be divorced by December, I explained dh was ok with this , so now of course in her head this means that dh can't really care as no man would let their wife behave in this way.

So aibu to go out and have a drink with friends randomly ( I didn't let dh know as honestly I knew this wouldn't be an issue ) or are they ?

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 23/08/2014 13:51

Off course yanbu. They sound very old fashioned. Just ignore them.

catgirl1976 · 23/08/2014 13:52

Your family are being U. And very old fashioned, though your GM is possibly very old so it's not necessarily U for her to have the opinions of her generation. But they don't apply today thankfully :)

Ignore them.

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 23/08/2014 13:56

I'd have let dh know out of courtesy, in case he worried that I hadn't come home, but if your dh wasn't worried (presumably it's not unusual?) then it's none of anyone else's business.

fifi669 · 23/08/2014 13:57

YANBU to go out with your friends, of course not! However I would have sent a quick text to DP to let him know

susiedaisy · 23/08/2014 14:02

Yanbu to go out although I would of just given dh a quick text to let him know that my plans had changed out of courtesy.

But wow you are lucky if pils have your dc on a Friday and your mum has them on a satEnvy

Purplepoodle · 23/08/2014 14:20

As long as your let your dh know what your plans were then I don't see the problem

BackforGood · 23/08/2014 14:40

I too would have sent a text / phoned if I was expected home at 5.30ish and changed plans so I wasn't in until midnight. That's common courtesy for anyone you live, nothing to do with marriage.
However, the fact of going out on the spur of the moment with your sister wouldn't be an issue for me (or my dh).
Nor is it any business of anyone other than your dh and yourself.

itsbetterthanabox · 23/08/2014 14:50

You should be able to go out and do what you please. But to me it's courtesy to let my partner know that I'm going just so they don't worry, make plans etc. you grandma is bu.

Icimoi · 23/08/2014 15:40

Is their thinking that they have your children so as to give you child-free time with your DH, and if you're not going to use it for that then their help is being thrown back in their faces?

Original poster
AliceInGallifrey · 23/08/2014 16:24

Thanks for the replies. I hadn't even told dh a time of return - I never do, he knows if I say a time I'm always late lol. I've took the kids out at 9am and not returned till their bedtime. Hubby works shifts so sometimes he won't even know that I haven't been home all day until I tell him if you know what I mean?

I'm very spontaneous as is dh we often do spur of the minute things together and separately so for us this is 'normal'

We've both had partners in the past who where controlling and we just didn't want that so when we got together it was always with the understanding that we where still 'aloud' for lack of a better word to be ourselves.

We never ever argue the kids are well looked after so for us this works - it's everyone else that thinks it's a massive deal that we don't live in each other's pockets.

And to answer a pp - we are super lucky to have very involved families, if we have plans to go away by all means we keep the kids but any other weekend we are often child free. I know this is a massive thing and I am v v grateful.

To answer another poster it was mils night with the kids anyway, and we sometimes work opposite shifts so it's not unusual for dh to be at work and me be home alone or vice versa.

I appreciate all your replies it's nice to know I'm not totally unreasonable as I was seriously starting to doubt myself

OP posts:
DraggingDownDownDown · 23/08/2014 17:28

My Nan was like that. When we got married she said I would have to stay home and stop "gallivanting" around as I had a "home to run". I asked her what had changed as we lived together already. She didn't have an answer and just spluttered a lot! Grin

Tiptops · 23/08/2014 17:42

YANBU.

I actually think your Grandma was very rude and should have kept her opinions to herself. Old age isn't an excuse.

SisterMoonshine · 23/08/2014 17:47

You sure you're mam's happy babysitting every Saturday?
(As it sounds like there might have been talk about you between her and your Grandma already).

trinity0097 · 23/08/2014 17:49

You are being totally reasonable, you even asked your husband!

Last night I went to one pub with friends and hubby went to another with his mate!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/08/2014 18:36

If it works for you then great. Personally I wouldn't want to be without my children every weekend. Are you not very keen on them or something?

Topseyt · 23/08/2014 19:06

You aren't being at all unreasonable. Your family are being old-fashioned. That attitude stems from when the man was the breadwinner and deemed to be head of the house and the woman's job was to "run the home", have babies and bring them up.

I'd have texted my husband to say my plans had been changed too, as he worries otherwise. If your respective families are happy with these babysitting arrangements then surely they can see that it actually frees you up to be yourself a bit on those days. That may involve you and your husband spending time together, or each just doing your own thing unencumbered by children.

I don't think it means you aren't keen on them. That is a harsh comment. Most of us would have loved the chance of a bit of "me/ourselves" time each week once babies were born. It is a welcome break and certainly doesn't indicate that the parents dislike their children.

DaisyFlowerChain · 23/08/2014 19:39

Maybe your mum isn't keen on having them so often and it's her way of going around the subject without being direct.

Tinkly, it is a little strange. I can't imagine not having DS at weekends and maybe your family think the same. It's quite an amount of time to spend without them. Different using childcare for work but most love weekends for family time.

Happy36 · 23/08/2014 19:41

Sounds like your grandmother is a bit envious!

It´s the generation gap. You could tackle her about it or you could just edit what you tell her so you don´t get a lecture again.

Teeb · 23/08/2014 19:57

How old are your children out of interest? I'm curious if they are school age in which case when do you and your DH see them?

eddielizzard · 23/08/2014 20:01

i'm jealous!

Original poster
AliceInGallifrey · 23/08/2014 21:26

Mother complains when we don't take them over on the weekend as she enjoys having them so def not a problem if anything she would have us over more but I choose not to as she can be hard work- mainly her shared views with my grandma that I should be a good little housewife

Ds is under 1 dd is 4. Come September they are only having them one weekend a month as we've changed work to fit around school so dd doesn't miss out ( although I know she will ask to go and see her grandparents - both sets , as she genuinely loves seeing them)

To answer a previous post - I love my kids and would do anything for them ( I'm starting a degree to better our futures whilst working part time come sept) but until recently we both worked nearly every weekend so we couldn't see them so this arrangement suited everyone. Pils and my parents work mon fri so them watching them over the weekend helped us with childcare.

Dd looks forward to stopping out and occasionally stops at my sisters also. I was a single parent before dh so my family helped out massively with dd so they had her often to help me out - I'd not be out, just catching up with sleep or housework, they got used to having her so it's always continued with the bonus it helped with childcare and then my pils wanted to offer the same if it was ok when me and dh got together.

Our parents are in their 40s fit healthy and I guess don't have money to help us so we get extended baby sitting services.

If it makes a difference my parents don't come over to see the kids thru the week and mil might pop in if she's passing literally for a coffee and quick ten minutes with the kids so the weekend is the only time they have the kids iykwim

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