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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To appear to have been only one not invited...

47 replies

fabulousfour · 22/08/2014 22:45

From our group of friends to a lets say party? I don't want yo be too specific and out myself.

My friends said a while back she was sorry I wasnt invited as numbers were limited. I thought she'd just invited another group of friends I do 't know well, with some overlapping.

It now transpires she invited most of our group and not me. Wah.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 23/08/2014 00:21

Sad It's shit isn't it?

And can be a bit unnerving when you've thought you've 'read' her as being a friend and it turns out she's anything but. Try not to let it make you mistrust your other friends.

pettybetty · 23/08/2014 03:15

It sounds like she had limited ticket numbers. It's horrible that you were on the wrong side of the cutoff but there had to be one somewhere. Don't take it to heart (easier said than done).

elvenbread · 23/08/2014 09:01

Maybe send a gentle message back. 'I'm glad you had a great time. I would have loved to have been there.If i'm being honest I was a little hurt to not be invited when most of our group were. I hope we can catch up soon. X '

Original poster
fabulousfour · 23/08/2014 09:02

Thanks everyone. Its certainly opened my eyes thats for sure.

OP posts:
fun1nthesun · 23/08/2014 09:04

Oh dear sorry fabulous Flowers. That is hurtful, especially if you were good friends. At least she's apologised and given a reason. Much more hurtful is everyone else knowing and you not.

Is it worth trying something such as " I feel quite disappointed that almost everyone else has been invited and not me? I hope this hasn't affected our friendship?"

Original poster
fabulousfour · 23/08/2014 09:05

elvenbread I'll think on that. Thing is I don't think I do want to catch up soon... Confused

OP posts:
AlleyCat11 · 23/08/2014 09:13

Re-think this friendship. Same thing happened to me as Cromer. Photos of all my gang, except me, popped up on FB. But in my place, was another friend of mine who'd Wendied her way into this gang. So hurtful. Cool it with this friend & see how she reacts.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 23/08/2014 09:14

It's awful and really puts friendship in a different light. Same thing happened to us a couple of years ago, weren't invited by friends DH to his wife's surprise birthday. He told her we couldn't make it. Mutual friend texted saying how gutted wife was we couldn't make it, I sent back how gutted we were to not be invited. Has put a strain on our relationship from my POV, she still doesn't know.

Original poster
fabulousfour · 23/08/2014 09:20

I'm sorry five thats hurtful. Why don't you tell your friend her DH didn't invite you?

OP posts:
Original poster
fabulousfour · 23/08/2014 09:23

Alley I think cooling it is a good idea and seeing what happens. I have actually been thinking I need more friends outside this group, so this gives me the headspace to tey and do that.

OP posts:
Thecroissantthief · 23/08/2014 09:36

To be honest for me this would have really clouded the friendship and I would have to re-think it.

Someone I thought was a really good friend organised a big picnic with several families all also friends of mine, but to which I was not invited - found out about it a while later on..yes you've guessed it facebook. The worst thing was not the lack of invite but on the morning of the picnic, we met while our DCs were at a club and had coffee and she started to moan about how this friend of hers who was really unreliable was trying to pull out of coming to a picnic with her that afternoon. There was no mention of all the other people she'd invited and I spent two hours commiserating with her and saying how awful, but her family could still have a lovely picnic by themselves etc. Never a mention of all the other people invited and I know now they had already been invited so her family would not have been picnicing alone. Felt like a right idiot and very hurt. To be honest I might have been more forgiving if she hadn't have done the moaning to me, but this really altered how I viewed our friendship and I have really let it fade.

CromerSutra · 23/08/2014 09:42

Sorry to all those uninvited folks! Poor us! In my case this friend (and I still do think of her as one , not that close though) organised something a couple of months later that would've taken quite an effort to get to. Whereas before I would've made the effort, this time I didn't . Guess I was sort of trying to prove a point but also I really didn't feel like hanging out with her.

Original poster
fabulousfour · 23/08/2014 09:49

Oh I feel really bad now. I texted friend who explained that extra tickets came up and she text our group but not me because she knew I was going away. Ooops.

OP posts:
CromerSutra · 23/08/2014 09:51

Aaaaarrrggghhh!!!! Oh no! Still , it's a good outcome!

Original poster
fabulousfour · 23/08/2014 09:58

Yes Its all good. Just feel a fool.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 23/08/2014 17:10

Ach, don't feel bad, it's the best outcome for you Smile

Were you able to ask her about it without giving away what you thought?

It doesn't matter if you weren't, it's obvious you like your friend and she can only take that as a compliment.

MadAriadne · 23/08/2014 18:40

Hope you've smoothed the waters now, and that you don't feel 'excluded'. Sometimes these situations come up and no malice is meant when someone's not invited.

Forgive the hijack but boot on other foot: I think I've offended friend 'X' of whom I'm fond by not inviting her recently to a small event I was organising. I invited the group of us who'd done the same thing a few months back (organised by someone else). Partly I thought she'd be too busy at work/ not really X's scene and partly I thought the small group would gel better as things stood. Being vague here just in case...

If you were me would you wait for X to say something, or would you bring it up? I'm pretty certain X feels I should have invited her. She has somehow got wind of things. So as not to drip feed, there was a potential pool of 10-12 people from whom to ask 4-6, so it's not like she was the only friend I didn't include.

desertmum · 23/08/2014 21:11

happened to me - a friend had a big birthday party and I wasn't invited - I've know her for years, our kids grew up together - I was really hurt. Have had lunch with her a couple of times since (both times instigated by me), but it's not the same. I have now realised that I am no longer part of her 'circle' and have stopped trying to arrange coffee, lunch etc. and actually feel better, although somewhat sad.

Tikimon · 23/08/2014 21:24

It's awful and really puts friendship in a different light. Same thing happened to us a couple of years ago, weren't invited by friends DH to his wife's surprise birthday. He told her we couldn't make it. Mutual friend texted saying how gutted wife was we couldn't make it, I sent back how gutted we were to not be invited. Has put a strain on our relationship from my POV, she still doesn't know.

That happened to my mom. Aunt threw a huge party for my grandma's milestone birthday. Didn't tell my mother about it. My grandma was sad she couldn't be there, my mom told her she didn't even know about it and wasn't invited. But my aunt has form for being a little shit sometimes.

AgentZigzag · 23/08/2014 21:33

Even though it might be difficult for you to bring it up MadA, your friend would be in a more awkward position asking you because she'd have to risk looking like a paranoid stalker, feel as though she might be making more of it than the situation warrants?

Like the OP's situation your friend can only guess at why she wasn't invited, and it usually splits into swaying from there's something 'wrong' with her (you) or there's something wrong with me.

If you say something and she hasn't even given it a second thought then no harm done.

MadAriadne · 24/08/2014 09:01

You're right ZigZag. My plan is to bring it up breezily in casual conversation next time I see her. These things can get even more lost in translation via text or email.

m0therofdragons · 24/08/2014 09:07

We are having a party next week and with 3 toddler groups I attend, plus friends from before dc, and family we've ended up with 80 guests. I'd assumed some would say no and I could invite some of the mums I've missed out but no, everyone has said yes! I hope noone is upset as it's not my intention but we can only afford so many people to feed. If she's your friend then it doesn't mean she doesn't like you. You say you haven't seen her for a while so maybe she invited everyone then saw you and realised she should have included you but numbers were too tight.

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