Step daughters - is situation ridiculous or am I being unreasonable??

[belsn10]

I live with my partner, my daughter (18 years) and his two daughters (18 & 15 years).

Firstly - my partners 18 year old tends to lie, not saying that Im perfect (though I dont normally lie unless for good reason), however she will take something of someone elses room in the house and then say she didnt etc. Then when finally admitting she did take it, wont apologise.

Next - I know its holiday time but; on Wednesday night my partners 15 year old (going into year 10 in September), tells her Dad she is going to a party and may be back late but she has her key. At 03.11 on Thursday my partner receives text messages to say she cant get back in, 30 mins or so later we hear her arrive with a friend, however when I go down to check I believe there another friend hiding in her bedroom. Later she admits two friends stayed in her room and girl and boy for the rest of the night!!

Thursday night my partners older daughter is out with friends when we go to bed at say 22:00, my daughter and his 15 year old daughter are in their rooms. I get up for a glass of water before 01:00 today (Friday morning) to hear both my partners daughters coming home. His elder daughter then goes back out. I go to talk to his younger daughter and she tells me her sister came back to take her out and she has been drinking alcohol.

Isnt this getting a little out of hand?? Thoughts / advice would be extremely welcome, and if I am unreasonable please do tell me I think this is ridiculous!!

This may seem a strange question, but what exactly do you feel is ridiculous?

The odd thing really is the lack of communication.

So the 15 year old went to a party, came back very late (but it seems she had told you she would be back very late, and you were OK with that) and brings 2 friends home to sleep. That wouldn't bother me in the slightest (well, the coming home very late would, but it doesn't seem like you had set a curfew for her) but having the friends over wouldn't. What I think is strange is that she could say "Oh, x and y are staying over, is that OK?"

And the 18 year old is an adult. Surely she is allowed out late, and to drink alcohol?

It doesn't sound ideal, but just seems like a lot of sneaking around and I can't think why you can't all just tell one another what you are doing and what your expectations are? Am I missing something?

I'd leave it to your partner to sort out. Stepmother's influence (in my experience) is rarely welcomed by any parties in situations like this.

edit: that she COULDN'T say

Oakmaiden - the 18 year old went out drinking but came back and took the 15 year old drinking also which is bang out of order.

Your husband needs to deal with this op - if you try you will be made out to be the evil wicked step mother.

Also,how is she 15 if she is going into Year 10? My going into Year 10 DC is 14...
And for me 14 going on 15 is different from 15 going on 16 for going out purposes.
Don't think the 18 yr old should be lying to you,and shouldn't be taking her sister out without you or her Dad knowing that they are going out (and in my house where they are going too)
What about fire,accident whatever either in or out of the house and you being sure she was home when she wasn't?
The whole party thing sounds out of order too - if you want friends to stay you ask,rude and inconsiderate not to.
But I agree that your partner should be the one sorting it out.

They shouldnt have people to stay without your knowledge. I wouldnt want boys staying in the same room as my 15 year old daughter if I had one. Imo 15 is to young to be polling in at 3 in the morning regardless of holidays..

The 18 year old should not be coming back at 1 in the morning to encorage the 15 year olx to go out.

I think your dh needs to set some ground rules

Thank you so much for your messages.

Personally I don't feel I am being ridiculous, but at home don't feel the situation is being taken as seriously as it should be.

I would also like to reassure you that I completely agree there must be a specific time set for the young one to come in, and that we should also be aware pecisely where the youngest one is, i.e. saying that she is going to a party especially mid-week - may just be an excuse to stay out a bit later.

I guess in adding my post today, I was hoping for independant reassurance and advice which I could pass on to my partner - and that I was not being an evil step mother to expect to have some sort of ground rules set.

If you are an evil sm then I must be an evil mum. 15 year olds need ground rules, the tend to think they are grown up but obviously theyre not. Mine had a time to be in and it was always earlier in the week even if not a school night. I always waited up for him to make sure he got in, wasnt pissed, stoned etc. If they think noones paying attention they can take the piss abit.

My friend is having a problem with her 14 and 15 year olds, while their at their dads, hes not paying enough attention and there has been cases of them drinking too much, sneaking out and being hungover because hes not on the ball.

As for the 18 year old, we have a 19 year old. He still has some rules but they tend to be come in quietly, no bringing people back with you, if you are sick because you've drank to much you can clean it up yourself

You are not evil step mum OP.

Anyone living in your home will abide by rules/boundaries especially children that doesn't change just because they are SDC's.

The 18 yo is an adult however her father could speak to her about respecting the home and also encouraging under age drinking in her 15 yo sister. He could also ask her why she lies. What purpose does it serve, it makes her untrustworthy and he is disappointed when she does this.

The 15 yo needs to follow house rules which her father needs to enforce. She needs to be aware of the boundaries and what will happen if she crosses them. She needs to understand there are consequences.

This falls to your DH to sort out but you can support him in it.

it sounds like perfectly normal teenage behavior to me HOWEVER that does not mean rules can't be set and enforced.

Yes you need to reign the younger one in. She needs clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable and coming home at 3am with boys isn't. I would be worried if I was in your shoes. How does your partner feel about it?

Yes totally normal, teens try it on and push boundaries all the time. I would however have words with the 18 year old, its not acceptable to come in at 1 and try to get a 15 year old to go back out with you.

"At 03.11 on Thursday my partner receives text messages to say she can't get back in, 30 mins or so later we hear her arrive with a friend..."

I don't understand this - why did she say she couldn't get in, half an hour before she arrived home?

Is your husband happy with a 15 year old walking around at 3.45 am?