To think DM shouldn't say things like this to DD... [Sorry, LONG!]

[weelittlething]

I'm not from the UK originally, but settled here permanently after I met DH, who is.

When we got engaged my mum screamed at me over the phone, told me that everything I said about "marrying a good boy from home" was "bullshit". (This was when I was about fourteen.) I was flabbergasted as she had always liked DH. Our relationship took a long time to recover after that, but it did. She continues, however, to suggest jobs over there to DH and imply that I'm being selfish about his career because I'm not letting him apply for them. (This isn't true, he's just not interested in living/working there.)

When we had DD several months ago she asked me to register DD for citizenship in my country, but I didn't see the point as we were resident in the UK and she was automatically a UK citizen. My mother was furious at my decision, said I wasn't doing the right thing for DD, although she would have to give up her dual citizenship later in life as my country didn't allow dual citizenship. She insisted it was DD's decision to make, not mine, but I reasoned that DD could always get residency in my country if she chooses to, as I'm still a citizen. I just honestly didn't see the point.

Well, when I took DD back home for a visit, on the last day my mum said to DD: "When you grow up you should take revenge on your mummy by marrying a boy from here and coming back."

Now I know DD's only months old, wouldn't understand, and it was probably said in jest, but I just couldn't understand why she would say something like that. As if the only reason I married DH was to spite her? And encouraging my DD to 'take revenge' on anybody is really strange.

I've always wanted DD to see both countries as home, albeit more so in the UK as this is actually where she lives. I love my mother, but I'm worried that this is something she'll continue to 'joke' about as DD gets older, and that it'll come to offend DH and make it really 'UK vs them' with DD. Am I being paranoid? Would I be unreasonable to bring it up gently with her and would it make a big thing out of seemingly nothing?

She sounds bitter that you've left her on her own. The "taking revenge" comment is nasty and odd. I would have said at that point, "she won't take revenge on me, a) because I'm her mother and b) because I've done nothing wrong."
I would talk to her and tell her that this "jokey" talk is putting you off visiting her as much.

Go gently, her DD has married someone from another country and moved away. She may have had dreams for your future and they are not as she planned. Be kind to her and try and let it wash over you if you can.

In these circumstances I would be making it very clear that if there are any more comments of this nature, there would be no further visits.

Does she have a partner? Friends and family?

Is it possible she's lonely and blaming you in some way for moving away?

I'm maybe grasping at straws, but maybe worth thinking about.

But OP, I really agree with you that what your mum said was way out of order, YANBU.

I understand your situation OP because of my own. I think you should ignore that. My children have dual nationalities and will, whatever I think, choose where to live in the end. My Mother won't be happy when I tell her we're returning to my DH's country next year...but we are. She will no doubt tell me that my choice is wrong...it's something we have to live with in a way but it IS sad.

If my DDs choose another country, I shall be glad they have the nerve. Is she lonely? Your Mum?

Well that comment was out of line and counterproductive to what she wants -you closer.
She is clearly heartbroken that you've chosen to live so far away.
I would try a quiet chat abut how inappropriate the comment was and how sad it makes you that she won't support your choices.
However personally, if it means that much to her I would apply for dual citizenship. Is it that much of a hassle? It would be a nice olive branch gesture.

She is extremely out of order. DH is American, I am Dutch, we have settled in the UK so both sets of parents have missed out on having us nearby. DH's parents are no longer alive, mine are, but neither of the, ever did anything like this.

Even now that my DM is finding life hard - my Dad is in a nursing home, very ill with Parkinsons and dementia - she does not want us to uproot our lives, she's just happy that one of us comes over every other week to see her (fortunately Holland is cheap to get to from East Anglia).

You don't need to put up with this.

Changing the subject a bit, it is handy to have dual citizenship. And laws can change as can our intentions.

When I registered my dds for dual nationality, I had no intention of returning home to live, but life takes funny turns and we did end up home for ten years, then, fortunately enough, when she was twelve, Mexico lifted the ban on adult dual citizenship, so she was doubly fortunate.

queenofthepirates
"Go gently, her DD has married someone from another country and moved away. She may have had dreams for your future and they are not as she planned. Be kind to her and try and let it wash over you if you can."

Wow, the DM has a history of being nasty an is showing signs of continuing to be and you think she should just let it go.

My MIL suggested my husband divorce me and go back to 'his country' (by which she means her country). Luckily by being so horrible, she constantly reminds him that it is better to have left!

This kind of thing is very deep in countries where a lot of young people leave (Eastern Europe for example). There is a lot of bad feeling between those who have gone (and 'abandoned' their country) and those who are left. These are often poor countries so the loss of young people is bad for the economy and the culture.

That doesn't mean your mum is justified, when she makes remarks, pull her up on it.

How about telling her that you would like her to think of your country as home and enjoy lots of visits throughout her childhood because it's important to you that she keeps those links in later life. Then say that you're worried that, if your DM keeps saying awful things about the UK and your decision to live there, it's going to cause friction, reduce the number of visits you make and result in your DD feeling that only the UK is truly her home.

Make it clear that her behaviour is going to push her DGD out of her life if she doesn't pull her head in.

Yes you do need to sit down and have a long chat with your mum. It is totally unacceptable to say things like that and she does sound very bitter and twisted. You need to nip this in the bud or she will continue if you do not challenge her. Has she always been like that? How is your relationship generally?

I can't think that she's lonely - my dad is still around and my older brother and his girlfriend live at home. My younger brother and sister do live in Australia, though, but they're only studying and are due to return at the end of this year. She does often complain about her 'empty nest' though.

I get that she had plans for my life (she wanted to buy the house next to hers and build a bridge between them - I think that would have been far TOO close for my comfort), but having been married for so long I would have thought she would have come to terms with it. I've always been a bit at odds with her - she disapproved of my academic and career choices - but as I got older it seemed to get better.

Since we've had DD, though, it's seemed to get a lot worse. She's always giving me parenting advice over text and challenging my decisions (breastfeeding, weaning etc.) and often (jokingly, I hope) says things like, "Ah you should leave her here with us and we'll bring her up for you!". It kind of makes me feel like I'm incompetent at being a mum. She did say, after our last visit, though, that I was "really good with her". But that kind of made me feel like she wasn't expecting me to be.

I know she's coming from a good place, it's just heartbreaking if she sees me choosing to live a different life from her as some sort of betrayal. I don't quite know how to change her viewpoint, though! Any personal experience would be helpful!

Getting DD dual citizenship might help - I'll look further into it. Thanks!

I get that she had plans for my life (she wanted to buy the house next to hers and build a bridge between them

Wow! And then she wonders why she has an empty nest?

Sorry, not helpful I know. But OP YANBU to be uneasy about her comment to DD about "revenge" and this:
Ah you should leave her here with us and we'll bring her up for you!".

I think alarm bells should be sounding indeed and be very circumspect about contact with her when your DD is older.

my viewpoint for what it's worth, and how I believe I would feel in her position is that she desperately misses you.
I'm not actually surprised she got worse since her granddaughter arrived. Now she's got two people to really miss.
I know my mum would say that having one child near you doesn't stop you wishing the other was close by too.
I don't think she is handling it very well and some of her behaviour needs to change but I would try and see where she's coming from.

She sounds rather obsessed. I would hold off on dual citizenship.

Problem is...you can't really change her viewpoint. This comes from years of banging my head against a brick wall bitter experience, trying to come up with the exact right thing to say / do / show my own DM so that she will view things differently and realise how unreasonably she generally behaves. Nothing works. She just plain doesn't see that she could possibly be in the wrong in criticising and literally telling me off; I seem to be a continual source of anger and frustration to her that I don't make the same choices she has done, don't parent my child in the exact same way she would, don't like/dislike the exact same things.

Accepting that she's not going to change and become the lovely supportive mum that most other people seem to have has helped a lot. So has cutting way back on contact - we visit every couple of months, speak on the phone every couple of weeks if that. I'm a much happier and more positive person once a good 3 days have passed since our last contact!!

OP I could have written your post. Mine goes so far as to email job opportunities in Dublin to DH.

I think some people are just like this and there's no changing them. You could just ignore it. Challenging them just results in more friction. You can relish that you haven't got to see them all the time.

My mil is like this (a bit) and we only live a few hours away. Every time she made a comment about moving nearer to them I point out a good reason not to and say it won't be happening. Nowadays she still says how we should move but follows up with 'but you won't' before I say anything!

Passive aggressive comments to your dd are not on. If she tries it again address her directly to refute what she's saying. In this instance you could have asked her why dd would want revenge on you? And say you didn't move away because of your dm. Alternatively stoop to her level and address her via your dd. It's easier in a baby voice. "Dd is free to do whatever she wants when she's grown up isn't she? Yes she is. Oh yes she is."

Coming from a good place?

She sounds downright nasty tbh!

I get that she's disappointed, but her attitude would push me away!

Does the dual citizenship have to be decided on whilst your daughter is young or is it somethong she can decide for herself when older?