in distancing myself from my mum because I've had enough of her 'ill health'?

[LiverpoolLou]

I feel like a complete bitch for posting this but I'm at breaking point. My mum is so demanding because of all her 'health complaints' and I can't deal with it anymore. Everything is about her, how she's feeling/coping, her disabilities and how difficult life is for her. I've come to realise that most of it is down to her (either in her head or by her choices) so I'm finding my well of sympathy running dry lately. If I say anything to undermine how ill she is, then she goes spare.

For example, I've just got back from 2 weeks away with her. She didn't get much sympathy during that time because I just didn't have the patience. So on the last day when DH and I were supposed to go out for our 1 meal alone she became really 'ill'.

Her version: She was having serious kidney problems. The GP was really worried because of her diabetes so sent her straight to hospital for tests. She was in hospital over night and now has to take really strong medicine so needs to rest.

Reality: She had a run of the mill urinary infection, waited until the end of the day to ring the GP. Insisted they saw her straight away because she has diabetes. They wouldn't and said if she couldn't wait till tomorrow to go the out of hours doctor (who happens to based in a building on the same site as the hospital). She didn't want to miss Coronation Street but insisted on going once it had finished. Got there around 10pm and were there till 3am on account of there being lots of genuinely sick people before her. Sent home with a pack of bog standard antibiotics.

The reason it winds me up so much is that by making out she's so much worse than she is I end up feeling like I have to run around after her. Which I would do, and have been doing, if it were genuine, but I'm disabled myself and I've come to realise that she is far more able than I am.

I'm probably not explaining this well, but it seems like my mum's hobby is being ill, the more serious the better, and there's no room for me and any support I need.

AIBU to leave her to wallow in her misery?

Ironically it could be fear of being abandoned which is behind this-which is why it is important to phone her randomly when she isn't going on about her health but to turn the attention off the health concerns.
I agree that counselling may help her look at what is really worrying her.

I expect all that coke doesnt help the urine infections
I wiuld have thought shed take it more seriously with seeing the high blood sugars on a monitor.

Queen, she has a serious and worrying illness which she is not managing at all. Loads of people get diabetes and manage it and the accompanying anxiety in an adult manner.

I don't think op is being harsh. Dealing with a relative who needs constant attention and is difficult drags you down.

To be fair lots of people with diabetes handle the illness really badly
I know it makes all kinds of sense to 'do the right thing' but the reality is very different
think of it in the same way as people with emphysema still smoking or heart disease still eating too much trans fat

I think if you tried to look at it as 'my mum is frightened' not 'my mum is just looking for attention, again' it might help you to gain a bit more patience

I have a friend like this

Sigh

Gosh that sounds like hard work, but is there any way you can get her to give up the coke?

Actually, I think high blood sugar levels bring on depression in diabetics and all the diabetic friends I have, only two actually, are very emotional. I wonder which came first, the chicken or the egg.

I'm bad at giving people sympathy. FIL sounds like your mother's spirit animal.

We just sort of shrug and go "Oh. That sucks. You see the doctor about it?"

Honestly, it's boring to hear about all his woes time after time. But he's learning to be positive and talk about other things. Finding some friends helped with that I think .

Sympathies OP, my mother is also like this and has only just turned 50

Ah, XH and his sinuses.

XH: my sinuses are killing me; whinge, whine, grizzle.

Me: have you taken anything for them?

XH: no

Me: fuck off with your sinuses then.

I am hardened after decades of the same with my mother and sister using illness as a manipulative tool.

YANBU, I can empathise with you.

My aunt is professionally ill and the worst mistake you can make is to answer the phone to her and say, 'hi, how are you?', it will be an hour before you will have a chance to speak.

My Mum is the same. She is 73 and for at least 20 years, she takes more tablets than I can even count in a day!!

I don't dare mention if I'm under the weather or having a bad time with my chronic illness, because it instantly turns into what is wrong with her that day..."oooh me hip/knee/wrist/eczema/dry eye/ibs/incontinence/?lymphoedema...blah blah blah"
If I say my neck is painful today..."ooooh yes, my neck has been bad for days now, stops me sleeping and everything" but the truth is that she falls asleep sitting in her armchair and wakes with a stiff neck and can't sleep that night because she already slept most of the day. She gets really stiff but won't do anything but watch tv so she will be stiff. I hate the one upmanship she seems to enjoy.
Drives me insane!!! but makes me feel very guilty too.

Feel really relieved that I'm not alone though!

Ooooh Solo, that's just how my aunt is. If it wasn't for your mum's age, I may suspect that you are my cousin

I am liking Stratter's approach, hmmm... stores conversation for possible use in the future

Literally lol at "fuck off with your sinuses" :o Oh I loves ya, Stratters.

My friend's mother is like this and oh God is it hard work. She has issues relating to her weight and it's making her really unhealthy and unhappy, but she "can't afford" proper nutritious food. But when my friend says "well you'll pay in the long run with your health" her mom says "oh insurance pays for it." And every time you ask how she is it is a huge list of complaint after complaint.

YANBU -
Practical solutions might include including other people in her care - ie district nurse, social worker, or get her involved in a group ie people with diabetes etc she may be lonely and frustrated and other people may help cheer her up and make if a bit harder for her to behave badly
Otherwise try and be a bit less available to her - be busy yourself so she cannot as easily impact your time
Move - put some physical distance btwn you - not sure how practical this is

I had a bit similar situation with MIL - she and FIL had a very fortunate life great health retired by mid 50's well off no life crises etc but her husband developed a type of dementia caused by his heavy drinking according to docs (and by all accounts he was a heavy drinker and smoker) he got the disease quite late in his life (after he had had a good 15yrs of retirement ). MIL insisted on keeping him at home many years after her should have had residential care - ie when he needed 24/7 care then was forever moaning or trying to pretend she didn't know why he was ill and blaming everyone else and forever attention seeking for one crisis after another which need not have happened if she had put him care etc in the end just ran out of patience with her and bit by bit reduce effort with her - but far easier for me given she was MIL. Sorry if this is like projecting - just to say this type of thing not that uncommon and sometimes you have to be a bit firm and protect yourself from these type of people so don't feel bad about it