To request a specific gift for DD's birthday?

[syllabub1]

MIL always buys stuff for the kids for at her house, so when it is their birthdays and Christmas she doesn't come round with cards and gifts, the kids have to go to her house where they will receive them and that's where they stay.

She has 4 DGC and she rarely gets rid of old toys so as a result of this her house is full to the brim with toys, books etc...she's even got drawers full of old McDonald's toys and tat they've picked up at the pound shop, the stuff most parents bin when the kids aren't looking. It's getting ridiculous now, they have way more stuff there than they do at home. Even 5yo DS said "I think Grandma should have tidied that house years ago, there's just too much stuff isn't there Mum"

It also annoys me that they're not allowed to bring their 'gifts' home as IMO if you give somebody a gift it is for them to do what they want with it.

I could understand it if she looked after the children all day every day but she has them for 2 hours, 2 days per week.

It's DD's 2nd birthday in a couple of weeks, she doesn't really need anything at home and she certainly does not need anything else at MIL's house. She's a very happy little girl who is more than happy with the dolls/play kitchen etc that she has at both houses, I don't see the point in buying her stuff just for the sake of it, that just seems like a waste of money to me.

But I would love to take her to Cbeebies Land but it's just so expensive. She would absolutely love it and although it's not something she can keep and she probably won't remember it in years to come, it's something she would get lots of enjoyment from now.
I was thinking of asking MIL to donate in to a Cbeebies Land fund, I'm not asking her to pay for the whole thing, just a contribution.

I can see her possibly getting the hump about it. She never ever asks what the kids want for birthdays/christmas's, even when we've been totally skint and struggled to buy presents ourselves. I would say she's maybe even got a bit of an obsession with having lots of toys.

Just wondering what other people's thoughts are? Is she being unreasonable to keep 'gifts' at her house? Should I just leave her to it or for once actually make a request?

I don't think it's U at all of her to keep toys at her house if the GCs are there twice a week, every week tbh.

Would she (would you want her) to go with you? This might make her more inclined to donate - it's definitely not an unreasonable request - I'd much rather know what would be valued and wanted.

I think it's fine for her to keep the toys at her house if the children are there twice a week.

My dc only see their grandparents once every 4/5 months and it's great because they have a house full of toys for them.

as for the comment from the 5yo ds, children that age rarely make judgemental comments like that unless they have picked up on your feelings.

If you want her to contribute to Cbeebies Land, then you should invite her along too.

But it's not something I would ask for - especially if she enjoys buying presents.

No I wouldn't ask her unless you invite her along.
And that comment from your 5yo is cheeky and rude, I can't believe that would come from him.

saucyjack I agree that it isn't U for her to keep some toys at her house but they seriously have considerably more toys at her house than at home.
My mum looks after the kids once a week but for a whole day and she just buys them what they need there and gives them gifts for at home. Usually at Christmas they get more stuff than we have space for so some of the toys will end up living at my Mum's house. Toys naturally come and go between mine and my Mum's houses and there's no 'oh no that lives at MY house' the way that MIL does.

I have mixed views on this.

A gift is a gift. By definition, it's passed in to the possession of the receiver to do what they will. So, to bestow a present with qualifications about where it's used isn't really a gift. Not sure what it is, a loan?

On the other hand, I do think that it's up to the giver how and when they spend their money.

I'm not helping am I?

id leave MIL out. Get the BOGOF tickets and dd will be free too. Take her there rather than a party/gifts.

Let MIL cntinue the way she has

runningonwillpower I agree, I'm not totally sure how I feel either.

I totally 100% think they definitely don't need any more toys there and her buying more would just be a waste of money. I think the money could be better used on giving DD something which would quite possibly cause her to burst with excitement, that without the contributions of grandparents probably wouldn't go ahead because we would struggle to pay for and justify the cost of it if we were paying for it all ourselves.

The way she is about presents is just totally alien to me. When I was growing up my grandparents would always ask either us or my parents what we wanted/needed. And that's how my parents and brother are with my kids.

To put this whole thing in to context, DS's bike is knackered, he has a brand new bike at MIL's which he isn't allowed to bring home, not even for a couple of days until he goes back there again. It is the middle of the long summer holidays and he loves riding a bike, he could really do with burning off some excess energy. Yes he is coping perfectly fine without one but what's the point of a pristine bike being sat at her house whilst he doesn't have a working one at home?

Yanbu. It's ridiculous having all of those toys at MIL's (especially a brand new bike) which only get used four hours a week. And even more ridiculous for the MIL to watch her GC open a present and then prise it out of their hands say at the end of the visit "Okay, leave that here now for next time."

What would an adult think if a friend gave them a bottle of wine for a present, then took it off them and said "You can drink that next time you're here". Bonkers.

So YANBU to suggest the trip contribution. I doubt you'll get it by the sounds of it though.

I think it's bloody weird of her to keep toys at her house! Why do that? If the DC want to bring things over then fine but their toys should be available for them where they live! Which is not at hers!

Does she want to fantasize that she's still a parent of little children?

syllabub - I'm thinking these 'gifts' aren't about the receiver, they are totally about the giver.

It's more than sad. But I doubt if you can easily change the drive behind your mother-in-law's need to give on her terms. If she thinks she can buy her grandchildren's love by making it super-wonderful 'round granny's house', she's in for a big surprise. Said grandchildren will suss her out in no time.

Meanwhile, I don't think you will change her. Well, not easily. What does your husband think? He knows her better.

What does your DH think? And the siblings? Does anyone say anything to her?

What would happen if she didn't look after the GC?

I think you need to start putting your foot down, because your DCs will start wanting to bring their favourite gifts home from grandmas, they will notice if gran's is more cluttered than home and DFs.

They will speak their minds and you will get blamed.

We had very little spare money and I was very forthright explaining to my Nan that her choice of clothes was not mine and please could I have the ££. It took a couple of tries, but in the end she got the idea and we got on just great.

I suspect DM had done similar with presents when we were small, as she utterly hates waste and refused ever to do stockings.

DD would be free for Cbeebies land anyway cause under 4's go free. There are loads of BOGOF vouchers about so could you stretch to going with one of those?

MrsWinnibago yes that's exactly it - I think she likes to fantasize that she's still a mum of little children. She is great with them, really hands on, plays lots of games etc...I'm sure she was a wonderful mum when her kids were little and she probably wants to hold on to that. She even has drawers and wardrobes full of clothes for them all. They don't even stay over night! I can understand having a spare set of clothes for 'just in case' but not mountains like she does.

runningwillpower yes I totally agree that the gifts are much more about the giver than the receiver, in the same way that she took all 4 DGC to see Santa, despite the fact that 2 of them don't believe in Santa any more and the younger 2 had already seen him twice. And she bloody booked it for 7pm which is their usual bedtime. That was all about HER getting to take them to see him, they got very little enjoyment from it because they were knackered!

I think DH thought it was normal at first, it started after he split with his ex and he moved in with his Mum so his 2 children would stay there at weekends so they needed toys and clothes there. But now he is with me and she's still doing the same, it sometimes feels like she treats the kids and me as though me and DH aren't together.
I think DH is gradually realising that this isn't normal.

The bit that annoys and upsets me the most is that she won't come and visit them on their birthdays, presumably because she doesn't want to turn up without a gift.

I dont know if you'll get very far asking for a contribution - is it possible that she purchases in advance/in sales? Her choosing for the grandkids is not too strange but not letting them take the toys home is distinctly weird! what does your dh think is normal?

Sorry x-post!

ihearttc I've had a look at ticket prices online, on the door price would be £49.20 and child price £43.20, we have a voucher for a free adult, DD would be free. So it would still be £92.40 (1 adult, 1 child) with the BOGOF voucher. Booking in advance online is £93.15 so there's no great saving with the vouchers. Then there is the fuel and the drinks and food whilst we're there. It's an expensive day out, way more than what we'd ever usually spend on a birthday present or day out. But I think they would love it.

She won't even see them on their birthdays because she is more focused on making sure that gifts remain entirely within her house and under her control?

This is really for your DH to tackle, if you want to - you could always keep on ignoring.

'Mum, could you not refer to these things as presents for the children? They aren't gifts because they aren't freely given. DS has had no bike all over the holidays, he would have loved to be able to use the one you bought at home but he's not allowed, so it's basically sat wasted most of the time and he's gone without. That isn't a gift- the stuff you buy is intended to give you pleasure, it seems, more so than them. Fine if you want to buy toys for use in your house, but could you just not call them gifts for the children?'

I think it is really odd to give presents with conditions attached. It isespecailly mean to give a child a toy they can only play with 4 hours a week.

I've got a spare BOGOF adult ticket for Alton Towers, that is where CBeebies land is isn't it? If you want it PM your address and I'll post it to you