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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your opinion because I'm a bit uncomfortable with this new friendship?

45 replies

NotEvenAMumYet · 17/08/2014 14:46

I'm new to mumsnet and, as my name suggests, I'm not a mother. Anyway, I've recently made a new male friend who use quite a lot older than me (I'm 20 And he's 32) and married with children. We met in a very formal setting and realised we had a passion for a particular shared interest. I forgot all about him until he got in contact with me 5weeks later (he must have searched for my contact details. At first he asked whether I would like to meet for coffee so he can borrow a book I was talking about but now he's changed it to meeting for dinner as the local coffee shops close 'too early'. He has gradually upped the number of kisses in his messages to three. He only messages me early in the morning and very late at night. I don't want to sound dramatic, and I may just be judging him based on the behaviour of my male friends at uni, but this makes me think he hasn't told his wife about our friendship? He has children with his wife and is meeting me for dinner on the night he works in the city where I live, like he wouldn't be able to see me otherwise? I'm slightly uncomfortable about what I think I are secretive nature of his behaviour. Do you think he sees me in a platonic way? Sorry if this is an odd post but I assume most people on MN are in log term relationships with children so may be able to shed some light on the situation. I don't want to upset his wife but I don't want him to think I'm being a presumptuous psycho either?

OP posts:

BecauseIsaidS0 · 17/08/2014 15:55

The message is good. He will get the hint.

NynaevesSister · 17/08/2014 16:02

The message is spot on. But. I still wouldn't send it. I would be suspicious that he'd say yes and then you'd get there and find the wife was 'ill'.

No you are not being big headed. Yes he does fancy you. It is entirely possible that at this point he doesn't realise he fancies you. But either way he is doing this secretly for a reason.

I'd send the message about being too busy for dinner but you're happy to drop the book off at his work or pop it in the post to him. Then just slowly back off.

ArethaFranklinstights · 17/08/2014 16:10

He wants to get in your pants.

ScrambledSmegs · 17/08/2014 16:10

I would find it very difficult to not puncture his ego a little. Something like "It's really nice to be able to talk to someone of the older generation about , sadly my dad doesn't share my interest".

Too mean? Probably

sweetnessandlite · 17/08/2014 16:16

OP he sounds like as creep (a very married one at that) that's trying his luck. You, on the other hand, sound like a very nice person, so I think you know already that there is something off/ wrong about the way he's trying to meet up with you.and its not a good idea.

NynaevesSister · 17/08/2014 16:19

What Sceambled said! Please do that. Please. One say when you are 32 and married with children (possibly if that's what you want) or even if you aren't you will still look back and be happy you did.

CabbagePatchCheryl · 17/08/2014 16:24

I know this is going to sound terribly prudish but I am of the view that when you're married or in a long term relationship, you don't really make new friendships like this with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're LGB) Yes, you might gradually become friends with someone from work or maybe someone whose partner you also know etc, but if my husband randomly struck up a friendship and started spending time alone with another woman, I'd be worried. I certainly wouldn't do it to him. Actually, I DID do it once - kidded myself it was platonic and above board but actually the "friend" clearly wanted more and I was enjoying the attention. Knocked it on the head sharpish. Poor DH.

I'd drop the book off and then try to leave it at that. Slowly stop replying to texts etc. Unless he suddenly says "Hey my wife is really keen on [shared interest] too - why don't we all get together for dinner" Unlikely I'm afraid - it sounds like he fancies you, whether he knows it or not, as someone further up said.

sausagefortea · 17/08/2014 16:30

I would actually say that you'd lost the book and wouldn't meet up with him at all. Unless you want a friendship with him, but I don't get the vibe that it's friendship he's after anyway. I reckon unless he was someone I was pretty keen on being friendly with I'd steer clear.

MewlingQuim · 17/08/2014 16:40

I have several married male friends but I wouldn't meet any of them for dinner without his wife or my husband, or preferably both!

Definitely not just to hand over a book to someone I hadn't known for long. Sounds dodgy to me.

Even if he isn't being dodgy his wife would probably be upset about it.

wyrdyBird · 17/08/2014 16:57

You don't really know this guy, and frankly he sounds a bit of a creep.
Really, I would stay away from him. If you meet him during the course of your hobby,fine, but I wouldn't explore further contact just because he seems keen on the idea. His agenda seems pretty clear tbh.
Do not suggest dinner - wife or no wife. Why should you?

areyoubeingserviced · 17/08/2014 17:35

Agree that he sounds creepy.
Keep away from him,

Flipflops7 · 17/08/2014 18:25

Yes, he is not being platonic. I have advised tons of friends over the years when they presented similar dilemmas. I have been right in every case, sorry to say :(

icanmakeyouicecream · 17/08/2014 18:30

He wants to have sex with you.

PlushSuppie · 17/08/2014 18:44

Can't he just buy the book?

Pinkynotperky · 17/08/2014 18:55

Please tell me the city he works in isn't Oxford...

pluCaChange · 17/08/2014 19:04

Surely he can afford his own book! Sorry, that's really just a pretext, and you're not being at all "big-headed" to suspect his motives. If anything, this should be a blow to your ego, that he's lying like this and hoping to take advantage (don't take it personally, though; you do sound nice, interesting and far from dumb). I"ve been in that situation, too, and it is annoying to have one's faith in human nature kicked like that, isn't it?

Fairenuff · 17/08/2014 19:10

If you do go ahead and meet, make sure it's just a coffee. So much easier to make your excuses and leave. Or even turn up with a friend that you happen to be out shopping with.

ChoccaDoobie · 17/08/2014 19:12

Well done, that is a good email. I had a situation like this and ended it by saying that I'd like to meet and my girlfriend would be joining us (I'm gay). Never had a problem again!

Thenapoleonofcrime · 17/08/2014 19:19

Of course you are not wrong, I often meet colleagues or new people with whom I share a specialist interest and I would not be trying to get them to go out for dinner because the coffee shops don't open late enough! That's a line if ever I heard one.

Plus you are not friends, he met you once and has looked you up 5 weeks later, you obviously made a big impression but it's hardly like you were hanging out together and developed a friendship.

I do have lovely male friends from uni, but none of us were married, all a similar age and we hung out together which is how we got to know each other. This is a pick-up attempt if ever I heard one.

I wouldn't personally send the text about the wife, I would consider if you do want to even go at all- if you don't think the potential for friendship is there, what would you gain (I have been in these embarrassing situations more than a few times, I'm cringing at the memory)? If you do want to go, send a text saying can't do dinner that night, busy, how about 12.30 in Costa and leave it at that. He can't really need to borrow a book off you anyway that's a pretense. I wouldn't personally bother with him unless I really thought I'd found an amazing friend or was very sure I could handle the inevitable future invitations.

natkingswoodbarnes · 17/08/2014 19:34

selks - brilliant idea!! I don't think his wife will be coming to dinner - I wouldn't let my husband waste our money taking another woman out for dinner just because he wanted to give her a book!!! If he did want to take anyone for dinner it should be me!!! lol...The fact that you have your doubts and need to ask our opinion says alot - trust your instincts!!...so says a bitter old woman whose husband couldnt keep it in his trousers;) lol

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