Should I just forget this for the sake of DP?

[Hurr1cane]

So, DS went on a little holiday with his dad this weekend, so I decided to take myself off to the pub for a couple, someone I took to and picked up from hospital last week wanted to buy me a couple of drinks to say thanks and I never get time to socialise so I was looking forward to letting my hair down a bit. Especially since my DS had been in hospital with a seizure earlier this week (although better in time for his holiday).

DP was working, in the same pub I went to.

I was sat outside because it was busy talking to DPs friend, I said I wasn't out long because I didn't have much money (summer holidays, school uniforms etc) and he started shouting that I did have a lot of money and he knows what he sees... I'm presuming he's talking about the fact that we have just got DSs new motorbility car... Which I would trade back in tomorrow if it meant DS didn't have difficulties... But it let it pass and changed the subject.

Then some other guys came over and were chatting to DPs friend and it got onto fashion as new guy was wearing some styling clothes and new guy said to me "is your coat x make? I don't really like x" (this was in context of the conversation which I don't remember word for word but it wasn't said nastily)

DPs mate then started shouting at new guy telling him he was calling me common etc, really let rip on him. I said I wasn't offended and to leave it but he carried on, so new guy came and sat next to me visibly rattled and started saying he really didn't mean offence, so I changed the subject and we had a conversation.

DP then came out on a break and sat with me and new guy and I introduced him. New guy then asked if we lived together and I said no, our routines are too different for that just now. DPs mate then went off again shouting at me saying that DP does pop round mine and why was I saying that? DP had to go back in at that point but told his mate that we didn't love together and told him to stop being a dick.

Anyway fast forward a bit. New guy had (ran away from the scary man) left and DPs mate called me over to a conversation he was having with a different new guy (new guy 2)

As I walked over the conversation started getting really heated and DPs mate was shouting in this poor guys face, they were arguing about political differences of opinion. DPs mate called this guy a racist and stormed off.

New guy2 then started telling me he wasn't racist and I had a 10 minute conversation with him telling him it was fine, it was none of my business etc. Then I left and went and sat with my friends.

DPs mate then came back over to me and started shouting about how his life was shit and why was I cheating on DP with all these men. I didn't understand what he meant. DP came out and told his mate to stop it and told him that I could talk to who I wanted, and then I just went home.

DP then told me later that his mate had said earlier that he was going to get really drunk and shout at someone today. Seems I got in the way and took the brunt of it.

I just feel like I needed to let my hair down and have a break and that I've just ended up being followed around my someone who wanted drama and who has ruined my only free night this year.

My first thought is that I never want to talk to this man again. But he is DPs best friend and sometimes our paths cross, when I pick DP up from work and things like that.

So should I just let it drop for the sake of DP and his relationship with his friend, who is actually normally a nice guy. Or should I stick with my gut and never talk to him again because I can't be doing with the drama?

He sounds like someone who is really horrible when drunk. Would you be able to talk to him when he was sober and calm about how he was with you and how it made you feel?

Was this the same person you took to and from the hospital?

He sounds like a real arse and if he continues behaving this way would just ignore him where possible.

What does your DP think about him?

No not the same man I have taken to and from the hospital. But I have done a few favours for this man as well.

DP just said he is a nightmare when he's in 'one of those moods' and said that he's paranoid and doesn't trust his own girlfriend but not to let it affect me because we trust each other completely (if I didn't trust him, I wouldn't be able to deal with him working in a pub because he talks to women all the time because it's his job)

I never see the man sober. Or I very rarely do. I usually see him when I'm picking DP up from work and the man has been drinking all day.

should I stick with my gut and never talk to him again because I can't be doing with the drama?

He sounds quite persistent to me(!) Would refusing to speak to him really stop him from shouting in your face about your finances/living arrangements/whatever else took his fancy?

I don't know

To be fair I've known him as long as I've known DP (years) and he's never shouted at me before.

I just really really needed a nice night out to unwind and now I feel worse than before.

I just want DS back for cuddles ASAP.

It sounds like all you can really do is limit your contact with him as much as possible. Shame he had to ruin your very precious day out though!

If it was me, I would be civil when meeting for DP's sake but ignore and not do any favours from here on in. He sounds an arse if he deliberately decided when sober to have a drink and pick a shouty fight.

Thank you. I'll just limit contact and be distantly polite then. Do you think that would be ok?

Yes. Distantly polite sounds perfect.

Thanks. I really don't understand how he could be that horrible. It was just wrong place wrong time I think.

Just for context the man I took to hospital is older than my dad and is a friend of DPs as well. DP gave him my number when I offered to take him because there was absolutely no one else so it definitely wasn't because of this.

Tell your DP that as shouty prat is his mate you will only tell him to fuck off if he tries that again. Anyone else, you can explain, would get a kick in the bollocks too!

You and your DP would have acted quite differently if shouty prat was a stranger... he really shouldn't expect you to put up with it from a friend.

Can you ask DP for a new day off? Could he take DS out for a day and leave you free to meet friends and relax? Would his Dad take him again, soon?

His dad has him once a week but I usually need that for catch up cleaning etc, because his care needs are pretty full on so I don't get much done in the week. With him going for 2 days I've actually had the chance to have a break for once

DP usually works 6 days a week so he can't really take DS. His dad works quite a lot as well and doesn't get many days off, his dad spends most of his holidays ferrying me and DS to appointments.

That reminds me of something else from last night that shouty man said.

Someone asked where DS was and I said he was away with his dad, so they asked if his dad was around a lot and I said "yes, he's a good dad he does right by me and DS"

(Which he does. We haven't been together since DS was a tiny little newborn and we were very young when we were together, if it wasn't for DS we wouldn't talk anymore because we are very different people now, but we parent together and put DS first together while both having our own relationships)

Shouty man said "why are you even talking about your ex when you're with DP?"

I ignored that as well.

It was all very strange.
I have absolutely no doubts that DP has ever said anything to his friend about me. He always goes on about how good it is to be with someone that trusts him etc (one of his closest friends is a woman who he spends a lot of time with himself and it doesn't bother me)

The only thing I can think of is that shouty man and his girlfriend have had a lot of problems with trust recently, he's slept with other people, as has she. And he's taking it out on me and my relationship.

Just been to pick up DP to take him for some shopping before work and that fucking man was stood with him talking to him about how he met a girl last night and was dead happy.

I'm glad his night wasn't ruined then like he ruined mine

As soon as I saw him I felt anger in the pit of my stomach. So I think I had better avoid him for a while before attempting the coldly polite approach.

Sorry but he sounds like a complete nob. Just because he used to be nice doesn't mean he still is. I think distantly polite if you're going to be in his presence for only a few minutes.i but otherwise I would go somewhere else rather than, for instance, stay in the pub where he is. You shouldn't have to be the one to move of course but it's the one sure way to stay in control.

It's tricky because that's the only place people I know go. Not that I will be going out again this year anyway.

But it's where DP works and sometimes I have to go and pick him up if I want to spend any time with him when DS is away (he lives close to work, I live an expensive taxi ride away)

I certainly won't be having him over again though.

Hello love. Next time, just walk away if someone is being a twat.

hurricane please don't blame yourself in any way. the guy is an arse

Thanks. I shall just walk away

DSs dad just rang and said he's staying another night because DS is having a really good time.

I was going to try for a night off again but DP text and the nob is there, so I'll probably stay in and find something rubbish to watch on TV instead.

I just feel so down about everything now.

It's hard work, watching your child struggle and seeing them in hospital.

I miss him like mad when he's away, but was actually quite looking forward to some rare unwind time.

Now I just want DS back, but he's having loads of fun so that's good

Really, I suggest you tell this man he owes you a big apology. Don't be all sweet about it, tell him straight his bad behaviour ruined your evening. If he's even slightly ungracious about it, there's your answer - you're free to walk away from him whenever you like and refuse to have him at your home.

Feel sorry for the girl he met!

Oh, and I second the idea of asking DP to cover you for another meet-up with your nice friends for a few pints :)

Ended up out, he asked why I wasn't talking to him, so I told him straight. He got really stressed, walked out, walked back in, eventually he apologised and said he was just trying to be protective.

I said to never do it again. Things are mega awkward now though.

Never mind the awkwardness - it's of his own making.

If he'd realised himself how badly he'd behaved, and cringed about it, and sought you out to genuinely apologise, then I could forgive a drunken arsehole fit. But he didn't. Be careful of this man - he isn't who you've always thought he was. He doesn't like women, at all.

And I think your DP sucks for not reading him the riot act as soon as he saw him.

No he ended up having a massive tantrum, told DP that he was only trying to protect me and if I was being raped he wouldn't help me now

Then he shouted at DP because some man was in and he said "he's a dick, your mate! I saw you, helping him out, when he's a dick!"

And then he walked out.

Me and DP ended up arguing a bit because it stressed DP out at work (I didn't tell him in front of DP I told him outside and said I'd not told DP anything but he went out of his way to involve him)

At least I'm back to being busy for the next year or so now. If this is what it's like in the real world, I'm starting to feel glad that I'm mostly isolated.