unreasonable about my mothers smoking ?

[chosenone]

I honestly don't want to demonise smokers, used to smoke socially myself, my DP used to smoke.
My DM is a big smoker at least 40 a day! Obviously it doesn't directly affect me but when we socialise as a family it does. We went away this summer for a short break and my DC commented that grandma was throwing 'thise ciggie things ' into the bush outside our lodge, I asked her not to, she laughed and carried on. It was an embarrassing mess by the end so my dad secretly tidied it up.
Every where we went , she had to nip out, go for a ciggie. Refusing to do a trip because she wouldn't ve able to have one. Leaving the restaurant in between every course.
She's already suggested xmas day at mine and I want to say no. Mainly due to smoking. She will go outside but every ten minutes. The DC are primary age and hate the smell etc. My DP talked to her about ab e cig and she just got arsey and defensive.
She is past retirement age but needs to work to pay for the cigs. Dad is worries but will not confront /speak to her for an easy life.

She's a grown woman.
Accept her as she is.This is only an issue if you let it be.

What do you want to do?If she won't change its either stop seeing her or accept her.It'd be a sad sad shame to cut out a mother and grandmotger (an poss your df too) over this.

I think that you can't dictate to her. It's disappointing on a number of levels, not least of which is I imagine you're concerned about her health. (although to be fair, you don't mention that - you seem to be more concerned about the hassle)

As long as your dad is willing to tidy up after her, and she is willing to go outside to have a smoke, I don't see that she really has any incentive to quit anyway. She won't quit until she's ready to. She's obviously quite willing to limit her activities due to her smoking, and again, that's her choice.

Unfortunately, I think this is one battle you won't win, and will just end up resenting her for. I would invite her for Christmas as planned. As long as she goes outside for her smokes, I don't see where it hurts anyone else in any way. Yes, it may interrupt her socialising frequently, but again, that's her choice.

The only thing I could suggest is maybe get her an e cig and ask her if she'd like to try it and see what she thinks. Then it's up to her, no pressure, she can keep it at her house in case she is ever interested in it. She may try it simply out of curiosity. She may be desperate for a smoke one day when it's bucketing and in desperation try the e cig and think it's not bad. Stranger things have happened. It's a small price to pay, if there's even a possibility she might think about it.

It depends how you want this to turn out, I guess. You know if there is some sort of ultimatum then there is a chance she will cut off her nose to spite her face.

If your kids don't like it, I would probably bring that up and say the kids don't like it/get upset when grandma is going outside every ten minutes for a cigarette.

As she is your mother, I would say the onus is on you or your dad to talk to her, not your DP.

But you need to think about how you will feel if you say you would very much like her to cut down on how many she smokes around your children, and she says "sod you."

What is you want her to do?

If you don't want them there for Christmas then don't have them but realistically other than not doing certain things with your Mum there is nothing you can do.

I do worry about her health of course. I have spoken many many times about that but she feels its her choice. I do not want to cut her off at all. But socialising on a smaller scale seems easier. Traditionally they spend the morning with us at Christmas and go home for their own lunch. She is uber defensive about her right to smoke. They do not fly anywhere as she wouldn't be able to smoke. Hours and hours of coach travel so she can smoke. But my dad will just go along with it.
It's hard to bring it up with her really. I mentioned when talking about retiring/cutting down her hours and she was not happy at all.

I can understand how you feel - a colleague's mother has just passed away through emphysema directly caused by smoking (the drs had told her to give up years ago). My poor colleague is only 26.
Other colleagues know this yet continue to smoke themselves - and they are nurses!

Apparently smoking is 'more addictive than heroin' and harder to give up. I heard that from an ex-heroin addict and it may be true!

It sounds as if your mother is in no way ready to give up smoking or even cut down sadly so all you can do is try to get her to compromise with you over it. You have my sympathy, it is a terrible habit health wise and socially.

I feel your pain my in laws both smoke and both have had & still have major health problems but refuse to give up esp mil, fil has tried but goes back to smoking :( my dh use to smoke and I hated the going out for a meal and being left at the table like a lemon while he popped out for a fag :(