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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this arrangement seems more than a bit unfair?

8 replies

GallopingTrots · 17/08/2014 00:06

I've been seeing someone for a couple of months, and it's going really well. He has 2 kids, but they live in another country as his ex left him a few years ago, saying she was going on holiday, and taking the dc with her, then within days she had shacked up with someone else (which had clearly been prearranged). She is now married to that man and they have 3 more dc.

They have joint custody of the dc, but he has to do all the travelling, and it generally works that one month he collects them and they come to him for the week, and the next month he goes to the country they live in, and has them at his ex's parents house for the week. He gets on well with the parents and it works fine.

However the eldest child from the current Dh of the the ex (we'll call him P) really likes my bf, and has started asking if he can come over to stay too. My bf was unsure about this, as he obviously gets limited time with his dc, but the ex's parents said they think that he should have P. P was supposed to be coming over earlier in the summer but for various reasons it didn't work out this time. So bf's ex has said that P should come next time the dc come to stay. She has also stipulated that when my bf is in the country visiting his dc he will have to pick P up from school, as he finishes at a different time to the other dc, and then my bf will have to return to the school to pick up his own dc. She has also made it clear that when the other dc from the new marriage get to an age where they are old enough to travel etc, he is expected to have them to stay too, as it will not be fair on them otherwise.

Obviously it is not any of my business what their arrangements are, but it seems to me that the ex can call whatever shots she wants as she knows that my bf maintaining the amount of contact he has with his dc means staying on the right side of her and her parents, as he literally could not afford to pay for accommodation every time he travels there to visit, as he already has to spend a fortune on flights every time (it's a long journey). I bite my tongue but I do think his ex is royally taking the piss, no?

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2014 00:11

Yanbu.

He sees his own kids. The rest is ridiculous. Her parents must be as deluded as her.

Tell him to go on AirBnB - he could rent a room nearby for peanuts.

Darquesse · 17/08/2014 00:12

If your dp agrees to it then it could all work out well. My dp used to go and visit his sisters dad in another country with her and has fond memories of it. Although one extra child compared to three extra children.... It's a big ask!

WooWooOwl · 17/08/2014 00:13

This sounds really wierd. Are you sure you believe this guy?

GallopingTrots · 17/08/2014 00:15

Wally - problem is it's not just a room he would need, as he has his 2 dc for that whole time so he would be looking at maybe needing a cottage or similar. Also they live in a very remote place so finding a place would probably not be that simple. The travelling costs are already stretching his finances to the limit so paying for suitable accommodation too is out of the question.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 17/08/2014 00:15

what woo said.

GallopingTrots · 17/08/2014 00:16

I do believe him yes! From the stuff he has told me, his ex seems very controlling and manipulative.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 17/08/2014 00:16

Not being funny OP but they always say that.

GallopingTrots · 17/08/2014 00:21

Yeah I realise that, but there are some very specific examples which make me certain that she really is like that. I don't want to put them on here though as they are very personal and I don't want to be identified, and it's their stuff not mine to be putting on the internet.

I know for sure that P was meant to be coming over as his own dc have talked about it to me (they have no idea that I am seeing their DF, I am just a friend as far as they are concerned!).

OP posts:
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