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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go NC with MIL

13 replies

Fall78 · 16/08/2014 23:14

Long long backstory basically haven't got on with MIL in over two years constantly has issues with every single thing me and my OH do if my family are involved.

Anyway last week was our wedding we hadn't spoke in weeks but I thought she'd be civil on the day. She didn't speak to me at all then After the reception at around 2am in the hotel residents bar she started an argument with me. Over something that had happened 4 months ago which tbh had nothing to do with me but she's never let go of it.

I have told my OH that I'm finished with her I will not stop him having a relationship with her but I am
Finished with his family, I don't want to visit or go to get togethers. I am mentally and emotionally drained by all the snide remarks etc. Also I just had a baby three months ago and she didn't speak to me when she came to visit the baby when she was born.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/08/2014 23:19

Congratulations Wine

She picked an argument with you on your wedding day??

There's a time and a place to talk difficult things through, and someone's wedding day isn't either.

YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2014 23:21

Congratulations OP Thanks

YANBU at all, as long as you're not going to prevent your DH and child from seeing her.

She sounds bloody awful.

Original poster
Fall78 · 16/08/2014 23:21

Not just with me she started on my sisters too. On my hen night she started on my best friend and his sister hit my best friend.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/08/2014 23:29

Is your DH supportive of you when she's playing silly buggers?

Original poster
Fall78 · 16/08/2014 23:42

Tbh it's kind of DH fault it's got to this extent he kept burying his head in the sand the past two years or arguing with them then with me and nothing ever getting sorted out properly. I told him way before the wedding he needed to man up
Or it would get to the stage where nothing could be sorted...and IMO it has now. I was never 'allowed' to say anything as he didn't want awkwardness on the wedding day so I respected that but when she started on the night I'd just had enough. I've told her I'm finished and think it's best we keep our distance she agrees (then got v personal in her texts the next day)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/08/2014 00:13

Although your DH has a responsibility to be loyal to his own family now Fall, try not to judge him too harshly, he's been brought up by her! That's bound to have affected how he thinks about resolving problems that involve his mum, he must have developed coping techniques to dodge what must have been a minefield (only guessing there as you haven't given many details of what she's like as a parent to him).

It can be very difficult to be The One who sets off WWIII by picking her up on her behaviour when the other people he cares about (close family/friends etc) are toeing the line because they don't want to be the focus of her shitty behaviour or are effectively brainwashed into going along with her.

As an adult it can sometimes be difficult to shake off the fear a parent can put into you when you're only little and no nothing else. Even if you've decided you're not going to put up with it any longer, it can still leave you with massive guilt.

I would focus on making sure your DC never get caught up in her dramas.

Original poster
Fall78 · 17/08/2014 01:11

She is a good mum I wouldn't belittle how she raised her kids and she did it alone and did a very good job. However she is very much queen bee and can use the single parent card a lot (poss a guilt trip). No one stands up to her she ALWAYS gets her own way. I don't do that I do my own thing which is what I think bothers them I don't seek approval and I don't bow down. I did used to get on very well with them
All but I'm not a quiet teenager anymore I'll stand up for myself and that's what I am doing.

I would love my DH to stand up for me but I know it won't happen I'm preparing myself for a lot of shit to come of this which is why I asked here to keep me knowing I'm NBU. I'm very strong and will be able to stand up to them all I just wish I didn't have to do it alone but that's a whole other thread lol thanks for the advice

The reason for the fall out four months ago was over a surprise baby shower my friends threw for me. They invited my mum (we've been friends 15 years they all know my whole family) and didn't invite MIL (they have never met her) anyway I got the blame for her not being there and I haven't been forgiven. Don't think they know the meaning of surprise lol

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 17/08/2014 01:14

your friends should have invited her but that is nothing at all to do with you. it seems like you can't win. awful to start a fight on your wedding day

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2014 01:20

That sounds awful, I would definitely distance myself from her, and dh have a relationship with her. If she is nit bothered seeing your dd, I would not bother, if she does, than your dh could take her over to grandmothers.

Original poster
Fall78 · 17/08/2014 01:23

In her words 'I've no interest in you only my son and granddaughter'

DH can take DD to visit I wouldn't stop that would just be nice to be given respect as DD mother

OP posts:
YokoUhOh · 17/08/2014 01:29

Nope, sorry OP, I wouldn't let your DD visit her, either. She will drip poison in her ear from the earliest possible opportunity. If she's not interested in you, she doesn't get to be interested in your daughter.

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2014 02:13

I bloody wouldn't let your DD be going into that environment either. You've said yourself she ALWAYS gets her own way, your (precious, beautiful, squidgy) DD would just be another person she can get a kick out of watching dance to her tune.

It wouldn't be stopping contact to punish her, although I'm sure she'd spin it that way, it'd be to protect your DD.

You're one of the two most important people in your DDs life, it's not for her to disregard you.

PopularNamesInclude · 17/08/2014 02:19

I'm afraid your DH very needs to hop off the fence, OP. I would not let your DC visit her either, as she will only try to turn them against you. And your DH needs to support you on that.

Your DH needs to put his family - that is, his wife and children - first.

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