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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull out of being godmother with a days notice ?

35 replies

felttippens · 16/08/2014 11:08

I know IABU really but feel in terrible situation.

My dad has just died and my mams in hospital an hour away - I've had a terrible few weeks and my existing anxiety and depression has worsened.

I'm due to be godmother in the morning to a friends daughter, lovely girl but I barely see her or her daughter (twice since she was born 8 months ago) and I just have this huge feeling if dread of having to stand up and be godmother in a church full of people I don't know - the apathy in me is also making me dread even thinking about what wear etc

Would I be a terrible person if I pulled out ?

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 16/08/2014 11:13

Apparently you can be a godparent without going to the christening, someone can stand in for you. I'm not sure how it works, but it would be worth finding out.

I'm sure your friend will understand how difficult it is for you to be at the ceremony.

So sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad, and I hope your Mum is ok.

dancestomyowntune · 16/08/2014 11:14

are you the only godmother? I dont think yabu given that your father has just died and your mother is in hospital. perhaps you could be a godparent by proxy? My sister could not make it to my sons christening but is still godparent. speak to the mother and explain the circumstances. i am sure she will understand. and sorry for your loss

Heyho111 · 16/08/2014 11:18

I'm going to flip it on it's head.
Are you giving in to your anxieties and depression if you say you can't do it.
How fantastic will you feel when you got through it. You may even discover it's not half as bad as you thought. It may do you the world of good.
Even though you don't see your friend much she thinks that much of you to want you to be god mother. How lovely.
Personally I think it is too late.
Do it. And be proud of yourself for everything you've achieved at such a dreadfully hard time.

flyingtrue · 16/08/2014 11:37

You wouldn't be a terrible person OP, if this friend is truly a friend she will be gutted but understand. It may help to get out, even if it's just for the ceremony and you leave right after. As heyho says, it really could help.

Only you can decide that though, if it's not going to help at all then you need to cancel or get someone to stand in as suggested.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sallyingforth · 16/08/2014 11:39

I think what Heyho says is spot on. If you can pull this off it would be wonderful.
I hope you will confide in your friend how much stress you are feeling at the moment. Perhaps she could speak to the vicar and let him/her know too? He might say a few words of reassurance and even a prayer for you in your loss. You will find everyone very sympathetic.

ALittleFaith · 16/08/2014 11:44

Who else is godparent? We have to have a balance with DD - couldn't have two men and one woman for example. Talk to your friend and ask if it would be a problem. You do have a lot to deal with but I agree with Heyho, you need to check it's not your anxieties stopping you.

Vivacia · 16/08/2014 11:46

Pray, and ask Jesus to be with you and give you strength as you overcome your personal fears to welcome this child in to the safety of your faith?

aurynne · 16/08/2014 11:46

I agree with Heyho... what will you do if you don't go? Stay home and feel sorry for yourself, cry, get depressed? I think if you go you will actually enjoy it :)

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2014 11:48

Do you think you will have a relationship with this child in the future?

If you will, then it would not be unreasonable to ask your friend if someone could stand in on your behalf. I did this for someone once. If she refuses then she isn't a supportive friend and you have your answer.

You have a lot on your plate and she should understand.

pudcat · 16/08/2014 12:08

When my youngest son was christened 2 godparents could not make it because of heavy snow. So my mother stood as proxy for one and the husband of the other godmother stood for the other. They just said the responses for them, but the original names were on the baptismal certificate.

JoanBakersShopCake · 16/08/2014 13:28

I am Godmother to my niece but couldn't attend the Christening so as others have already said, someone acted as a proxy for me. Unfortunately the other Godmother couldn't make it either so there were 2 proxies!

doziedoozie · 16/08/2014 13:33

I am irreligious but twice a godmother. Wish I'd had the courage to say no. It just seemed a bit daft and required a lot of bday present buying which I wouldn't have otherwise done. Haven't seen either, now older, DC for 18+ years and 14 years.

FishWithABicycle · 16/08/2014 13:46

Given what you are dealing with it's absolutely fine not to go to the christening.

Being a godmother is about the child's whole life, or at least whole childhood, not the day of the christening. If you feel you can commit to being a part of the child's life, and do godmothery things over the coming years then stay being the godmother and ask to be represented by proxy at the ceremony. The ceremony is a way of recognising your godmothership, it is not the godmothership itself.

If you think you're more likely to drift apart from the family and won't be a part of the child's life then pull out - the parents can select a last-minute replacement who will presumably also be represented by proxy if they weren't already planning to be there, but that will also be fine.

Original poster

felttippens · 16/08/2014 14:30

Thank you so much for the messages - I'm going to take a big deep breath and do it

I've quickly nipped out on way to hospital and bought a dress

OP posts:

MillyONaire · 16/08/2014 14:37

You don't have to be there!!! Neither of my childrens godfathers attended their christening!

WeAllHaveWings · 16/08/2014 15:09

treading123 looks like we have had a similarly shit last few weeks, my dad died suddenly on the 26th July, and mum is currently in hospital with severe anaemia (even after 2 blood transfusions 2 weeks ago) because of currently unknown issues they think with her bone marrow, but luckily (?) only 15 minutes away.

I still cant even walk the dog just now without bursting into tears once we get to a nice quiet spot, don't know if/how I would cope in a church ceremony. I have lost relatives and dear friends before in my life, but the grief of losing a parent has completely and utterly floored me, it is both mentally and physically exhausting even without existing anxiety and depression.

If you don't feel up to it, it will be completely understandable if you don't go, even if you try to go and back out at the last minute your friend should understand. Just let your friend know now that there might be a problem so she is prepared and can talk to the vicar about her possible options.

Take care x

Heyho111 · 16/08/2014 19:09

Brilliant. Well done. The fact that you are doing this despite everything that is happening in your life makes your friends choice of god mother an exceptional one.
Let us all know how it goes. X

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:18

Good luck tomorrow OP

Nofunkingworriesmate · 16/08/2014 19:43

Good on you! Best of luck with everything xx

honeybeeridiculous · 16/08/2014 19:56

FishWithABicycle · 16/08/2014 22:11

Bless you, you are being brilliant to face this when there's so much else going on. This child is extremely lucky to have you as a godmother.

Original poster

felttippens · 16/08/2014 23:00

Weallhavewings - sounds very similar :( you must know how this all feels - the day my dad died (from cancer, I'd nursed him for his last ten days but had to leave that morning to be with mam) mam was rushed to hospital for life saving surgery after slipping into septic shock and organ failure resulting from septicemia.
I hope your mum gets home soon xxx
THank you everyone for your input - I think I'll feel better for doing it than the guilt id feel if I didn't - just hope I keep it together in the church ! Xxx

OP posts:

LucyBabs · 16/08/2014 23:07

treadingwater I followed and posted on your thread when your Dad passed away.

How is your Mam now? I hope she is recovering?

I lost both my parents within four months of eachother. I know that awful feeling when depression and anxiety try to rule your life.
You are so brave and such a good friend your goddaughter is lucky to have you.

I hope your Dad will be there with you in spirit tmw. Imagine he is holding your hand and you WILL get through it.

Goldmandra · 16/08/2014 23:14

Treading FWIW I think you've made the right decision. You will probably find it easier than you expected but, if you don't, the service doesn't last long and everyone who knows you will understand if you slip away soon afterwards.

You are clearly a very caring and principled person and the baby will be lucky to have you as a godmother.

Wafflenose · 16/08/2014 23:16

So glad you are going to go. I know it must be extremely difficult, but it will mean a lot to your friend, and I think you will be a wonderful and caring godmother.

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