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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking respect doesn't have to be earned?

55 replies

Sunna · 16/08/2014 08:03

Inspired by another thread that I didn't want to divert.

Often I read on here and elsewhere that respect "has to be earned". I feel the opposite should be true.

I respect everyone automatically until they do something that causes me to disrespect them. Is this so wrong?

OP posts:
capant · 16/08/2014 10:50

No it isn't. But often those who say this stuff are rude and inconsiderate.

YouTheCat · 16/08/2014 10:52

Respect isn't the same as manners but teaching your children to be respectful is an indication of having good manners.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/08/2014 11:57

IME those that say "you have to earn my respect" are the ones that are
1/ Most likely to say that I should automatically respect them.
and
2/ The least likely to get my respect.

Original poster
Sunna · 16/08/2014 14:09

Wise words, Boney. I agree with every word.

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

OP posts:
MsDonnaJane · 16/08/2014 14:16

Sorry, I think that respect has to be earnt! I will show common courtesy to everyone, and I expect(ed) my children to do the same... but yeah, respect has to be earnt! You dont automatically `deserve' it just because you are older, have a better job or whatever than me :)

Original poster
Sunna · 16/08/2014 14:20

I disagree, Donna. I taught my DCs that they should respect teachers, doctors and other authority figures until they show themselves to be unworthy of respect. It's basic good manners and makes the world run more smoothly.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 16/08/2014 14:20

YANBU

I totally agree, OP.

MsDonnaJane · 16/08/2014 14:51
  1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.

I really dont want my kids to show this to anyone...
To me, deferential regard basically means that they are right and you are wrong... If someone is doing something to them that they feel violates them in some way, I want them to tell me... Not think that because it is my teacher, doctor, grandparent, uncle, aunt or whatever that they are right in doing it, sort of like, because it is our priest and he is doing it then it must be right... sorry, had a couple of glasses of red and not really explaining myself very well :(

Original poster
Sunna · 16/08/2014 15:05

But often teachers (for example) are right and the DC is wrong, what then? Is it OK for a DC to be rude to a teacher?

OP posts:
MsDonnaJane · 16/08/2014 15:15

No! Being rude is unacceptable! Comes back to common courtesy. It is not courteous to be rude :)

I want them to have a strong enough sense of who they are and what is acceptable so that they feel within their rights to say NO to an adult, regardless of who that adult is. :)

My daughter in law was not happy with me because I taught my grand daughter to say `Stop, I dont like it' which she would repeat when daughter in law or son was telling her off for something :)

Kids need to feel that they still have some control :) that is just my opinion based on things that happened to me as a kid :)

Original poster
Sunna · 16/08/2014 15:21

If she says that to a teacher then that would not be a good thing, surely? If she misbehaves she has to accept the telling off. "Stop, I don't like it!" to a teacher giving a justified telling off would be rude.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/08/2014 15:40

My default is to respect everyone. I may have more respect for some people because of their actions, I may respect others less because of theirs.

LarrytheCucumber · 16/08/2014 16:27

I remember dealing with a very difficult 11 year old boy who had been pretty vile to his tutor. I said he needed to show a bit more respect for someone who was trying to help him, etc etc. to which he sneered "she has to earn my respect."
This could so easily have been my DS Blush. He has AS and I spent hours explaining to him that we sometimes give people respect simply because of their role, especially in school where all staff should be respected, not just the ones he liked. It was really hard work for quite some time. He finally 'got it' when he was about 16.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/08/2014 16:30

MsDonnaJane
"Sorry, I think that respect has to be earnt! I will show common courtesy to everyone"

But by being courteous you are showing them respect.

ADHDNoodles · 16/08/2014 16:32

Everyone starts off on a blank slate for me. I'm courteous to everyone though.

I am however far more critical of people in positions of authority, and hold them to a higher standard. I've seen too many people abuse their position.

So no, respect is not automatic for me, but neither disrespect.

ADHDNoodles · 16/08/2014 16:34

But by being courteous you are showing them respect.

Not really. Respect means you hold someone in high regard.

YouTheCat · 16/08/2014 16:36

If a child kept repeating 'stop, I don't like it' to me, if I had cause to tell them off, they'd find themselves in detention. It is the wrong approach and it is very rude and disrespectful.

Children, especially young ones, need to feel safe within boundaries with small aspects where they have control and choices. Too much is confusing for a child. Of course children need to be able to express themselves too in an appropriate way and at appropriate times.

Leviticus · 16/08/2014 16:36

Agreed! I've thought this very thing myself. Ridiculous to think or say otherwise IMO.

YouTheCat · 16/08/2014 16:37

And tbh I can see why MsDonnaJane's dil is not happy. It is not your place to teach their child.

Leviticus · 16/08/2014 16:40

Donna I think that's a shame. I hope my DC show respect to others and esteem their teachers etc. It doesn't mean they won't have appropriate boundaries with adults and those in authority.

Gruntfuttock · 16/08/2014 16:45

I agree with you 100% OP. Everyone automatically gets treated with respect, unless they do something to make me lose that respect.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/08/2014 17:01

ADHDNoodles

"Not really. Respect means you hold someone in high regard."

That is only one definition of respect

Missunreasonable · 16/08/2014 17:15

Treating somebody with respect and actually having respect for somebody are not the same thing IMO.

ChanelNo19LoveIt · 16/08/2014 17:16

yeh my x was horrible to me and used to say that i needed to earn his respect.

Total strangers treated me with respect though

zeezeek · 16/08/2014 20:26

I teach courses to undergraduate students at an RG University and have had far too many in recent years demand that I respect them merely because they managed to pass their A-levels and get accepted into a Medical Degree! Some of them also tend to deliberately try and prove that what I'm saying is wrong and argue with me in a lecture. I'm happy to debate and explain my research, but they also need to understand that I've been doing this for over 20 years. I've published hundreds of papers in peer-reviewed journals. I am regularly invited to talk at conferences and I am a Professor. So yes, I think they should respect me. They don't have to like me, they don't even have to agree with me, but they should respect me as someone with experience, seniority and in a position of authority to them.

Then I sometimes meet the parents and realise where their DC get it from.