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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invasion of privacy or normal?

24 replies

babyandsparkle · 15/08/2014 21:17

I'm 22, 18 weeks pregnant and have a daughter who is one tomorrow.

I'm currently living back with my parents while me and my partner trying to sort things out- that's a whole other thread.

Anyway I was sick this morning. I asked my mum to watch my daughter while I stripped my bed and had a shower.

While I was in the shower- she had decided to go looking under the bed and found some personal things and demanded I got rid of them. I was embarassed to say the least but also a bit "WTH" because I don't know why she would invade my privacy like that? It's a divan bed which you physically have to lift up to see what's underneath. I did insist on doing my bed myself so I guess she got curious and wanted to know what I was hiding. But really...wth.

It's not just that- she reads my texts, messages on my laptop, demands to know where I'm going all the time and needs to know every aspect of my business- yesterday a friend called me to say she was going for an abortion and wanted me to come with her, and again mum demanded to know what the conversation was- especially odd as it certainly isn't my place to tell her.

I can't trust her at all which is sad- I've just ordered a safe so I can lock my things away. £60 you wouldn't id need to spend but obviously do!!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 15/08/2014 21:26

Guessing your mum doesn't see you as an adult but still a child that needs to be watched and controlled. Just bit your tongue and work out another place to live if you can in the future.

blanklook · 15/08/2014 21:39

Not so sure about your Mum wanting control, maybe it's just concern that she sees you as being vulnerable and is wanting to protect you from in her opinion being manipulated or taken advantage of. You're home again so it will be doubly hard for her not to see you as her little girl.

She's just taking it too far and needs a gentle reminder that you're a responsible adult now. Try and have a chat with her along the lines of Mum, I know you have my best interests at heart but...

antimatter · 15/08/2014 21:43

From her point of view she wants to know what's going on.
You are an adult and moved in back to her place - did you discuss what the arrangement is going to be and how long for?
Are you paying her rent?

Is there anything in your past what makes her suspicious on what's going on in your life?

Original poster

babyandsparkle · 15/08/2014 21:50

I've never done anything stupid. OK- getting pregnant at 20 maybe isn't my shining star moment but other than that nothing. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs- nor have I ever. Never been arrested or got into fights or anything like that. Was a very boring teenager really!

My brother was the complete opposite- and while she gets irked if she doesn't get her weekly phone call she doesn't go through his belongings, demand to know who he is talking to or where he is going. She lets him live his life.

But has tried to control every aspect of my life. My friends, what I did for my GCSES, what college I went to and what I did- everything. My boyfriend was a secret for 18 months and then obviously had to tell her I was pregnant and about him. I always try to stand up to her but it results in an argument, her drinking 2 bottles of wine and then it being my fault.

I suffered with anxiety and depression 3 years ago- but it was down to the fact she wouldn't let me be my own person and she knows this.

I feel like I can't be a good Mum to my little girl because she is controlling me all the time and I can't escape- and she's controlled pretty much everything to do with her as well including changing her party theme at the last minute.

I could go on all night..

OP posts:

Original poster

babyandsparkle · 15/08/2014 21:51

I told her it might be permanent- and she assured me it was fine. I'm not paying her rent but i'm not working. I can't say i'm self sufficient but it isn't as if she is funding a designer wardrobe or top of the range sports car for me.

OP posts:

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/08/2014 21:53

You need to get out of there. Can you get a place by yourself?

bellarations · 15/08/2014 21:53

Move on quickly !

antimatter · 15/08/2014 21:57

As long as you are under her roof she is going to try to control you.
You need to move out and start living away from her.

No other ideas I am afraid and it is going to be tough to be on your own with your 1 yo and pregnant.

Original poster

babyandsparkle · 15/08/2014 21:59

I'm sure I could get housing benefit etc if I went and explained my situation- but because she has been so controlling I honestly don't know if I could cope on my own iyswim. There was stupid stuff that my partner had to do that would be second nature to other people.

I guess there's only one way to find out..

OP posts:

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/08/2014 22:03

You will cope by yourself. You have to believe that, don't let her knock your confidence

HerrenaHarridan · 15/08/2014 22:10

You can cope by yourself, it's hard but you will learn. Reach out for support through your midwives and local childrens centres.

Get out of there!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/08/2014 22:31

It's difficult to see how this will get better. I think if you're living rent free then it's pretty take it of leave it. I think leaving it sounds preferable. It's definitely worth investigating what support (financial and otherwise) might be available to you.

meltedmonterayjack · 15/08/2014 22:50

YANBU. Your Mum seems to have a problem with treating you as an adult and respecting boundaries. Though saying that, I'd not read a much younger person's texts, messages or ask to know who was on the phone etc.

I was very controlled by my father and then by my ex-h. I was v miserable in my marriage but stuck it out for over 20 years, because being undermined and controlled all my life I'd been led to believe I would be totally unable to function on my own in the world. It took till my ex did some utterly vile things for me to leave. I've managed very well indeed on my own and so can you. My only regret in life is not having more faith in myself and breaking free around your age and wasting so much of my life not daring to get out of miserable situations.

Controlling people make you believe the world is incredibly complicated and because they do everything, you don't get the chance to. Please, please don't let that feeling stop you from moving out if you want to move out. Don't stay if the only thing stopping you going is not thinking you'll manage.

Original poster

babyandsparkle · 15/08/2014 22:57

Thank you everyone.

Will I be able to get money to live somewhere even though my parents are willing to have me here? i.e. if I go to CAB on Monday and say i'm living with my parents but they aren't willing to keep me here much longer- will they check that's the case with them? Because if they find out i'm wanting out before I get out my Mum will throw every stone boulder possible in the way :/

OP posts:

queenofthemountain · 15/08/2014 23:08

Well lets see
.You are having some sort of (I assume) relationship issues with your DP.You have no home, no job, a baby under 1 and another on the way.Your mum is putting a roof over your and your daughters head and feeding you both.You are not paying a penny and expecting her to watch your DD into the bargain.I can see why your mum is worried !

Coughle · 15/08/2014 23:11

I know what you mean about not knowing how to do stuff that would be second nature to other people. But a lot of that stuff you can learn - just ask here on mn, or Google it. You will cope fine on your own. Sorry can't help with the logistical questions, not in the UK.

BathshebaDarkstone · 15/08/2014 23:22

YANBU. All of what she's doing is illegal. Go to your local housing department.

greeneggsandjam · 15/08/2014 23:30

You could go and rent somewhere and get help to pay your rent but who will you have to help you out when you have the baby?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/08/2014 23:36

It's outrageously overstepping decent boundaries

Darkesteyes · 16/08/2014 00:17

OP give Womens Aid a call. This is domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is committed by other family members as well as partners.

ADHDNoodles · 16/08/2014 00:20

Your mother has no right to go through your personal things. None. Especially as an adult.

Hopefully you're password protecting your phone.

Just because your mother is providing a free place to stay doesn't suddenly mean that she can do whatever she wants with you. You are an adult, not a child for her to control.

I'd have a talk with her and let her know that she's overstepping boundaries. If she won't listen to reason, I'd move out. She's too controlling and you don't want someone like that trying to control how you raise your child.

MidniteScribbler · 16/08/2014 06:07

Why can't you move in with the father of your child? Surely if you can have two children you should be able to figure out how to look after them and yourself without expecting your mother to support you.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 16/08/2014 07:55

Maybe you weren't a difficult teenager but you are in a difficult situation right now. You have a child and are pregnant again whilst you have no means of supporting yourself and your family. I'd say you are in trouble you must have made some bad decisions along the way. While I don't agree with what your DM is doing, you clearly are not a responsible for yourself adult

meltedmonterayjack · 16/08/2014 10:32

midnightscribbler that's simplistic and judgey and nothing to do with the AIBU in question.

Drink if you are in a controlling situation it's bloody hard to be responsible for yourself sometimes. If a) everything is decided/done for you and b) you are fed the message that you can't do these things on your own, then very often people will believe that of themselves.

Definitely suggest getting all the advice you can. CAB, Women's Aid, Shelter. Your Mum is willing to put a roof over your head but she is also controlling and invading your privacy. That can't be in your interest or your DC.

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