to wonder why if 'dh/dp has always been violent/lazy/abusive...'

[Sassyb0703]

have just been browsing some of the threads to while away a long train journey and am struck by the amount of times I have seen this sentiment expressed...and want to ask.... If you have never known your dp/dh to be anything other than violent/ea/lazy/self centred. Why did you marry him/keep a relationship with him or most importantly have children with him ? Genuine question, not looking to criticize anyone's life choices just genuinely trying to work out what makes women tick

There's a good analogy about a frog that is put in a pot of boiling water.

If you put him in while the water is boiling, he'll just right out.

If you put him in while the water is cool, and turn the heat up, he won't notice the water getting warmer, and stay in it until he dies.

That's how abusive relationships work. You go into cold water, and by the time you realize it's out of control, it's an overwhelming mess.

OP isn't talking about the gradual change. She is asking about those where posters say, for example "He has always been lazy, never lifted a finger, but now we have children I think he should help out more", that sort of thread.

I think that is exactly the reason Fairy. It doesn't matter if someone is selfish, needy, lazy etc while it's all hearts and flowers and fun and you're young, independent and you don't need him, but one day you find out you need him to be proactive, unselfish, etc, and then it's too late, but everyone tells you you should "stick at it" and make it work out.

Or as OP says they think they can change him. "He's a bit of a fixer upper" as it were.

Or what I said earlier about having low expectations in the first place, thinking it's normal, just something you have to accept.

There's also a ridiculous but pervasive myth that men mature at a magically slower rate, that's another pernicious one. So you think he's going to step up when he turns 30, or you get married, or have children, or whatever. I certainly swallowed this crap about my ex. I suppose having children does make anybody mature if they step up to the responsibility. I just didn't expect that he would not.

I think a lot of women are conditioned and socialised to believe there is something less-than about being single, too, also to second guess the,selves and make allowances for men.

You see it here so often. A woman has been dating a man for five minutes, or talking to one online, or sets up a date and then something, it doesn't matter what, makes her doubt the whole thing or not want to talk/see/go out anymore and you see plenty of other women telling her, aw, give him a second chance and making excuses.

Learning to enjoy your own company and realise it's far better to walk alone than badly accompanied has nothing to do with thinking you are perfect, being too picky, etc and everything to do with valuing yourself as someone as worthy of the respect you put out to any partner.

There are many reasons but abusive people do not start abusing their partners on the first few dates

Also sadly woman have been conditioned to view some controlling behaviour as romantic and passionate. A man so obsessed with us he can not stop calling us, turning up at work, sending gifts to work, making arrangement to go away as a surprise, only wanting to spend time with us alone away from friends is often seen as romantic when it is often the the beginnings of a controlling relationship. a woman acting the same way would be called a bunny boiler and scarily desperate