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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make him follow through on promises

9 replies

Yappydo · 15/08/2014 11:10

He and I having problems particularly the last year, he had an emotional online affair that I found out about. I went crazy after it and he promised the sun moon and stars. After many months of rebuilding trust and trying to understand why he did this our relationship was back on track. However, he promised a number of things like making efforts to arrange dates, family days and just generally appreciate his relationship and family more. He also kept referring to a "grand gesture" I told him I couldn't be bought so I don't know where this grand gesture came from.
Anyway we're a year from all of these promise and he's done nothing. We've gone out once. We spoke about at home dates and planned one, he fell asleep after his dinner so that was that.
I got a call last week to go to hospital for something fairly major I've been waiting on this appointment for months. We couldn't really speak about it that day as kids were there, that evening he fell asleep without asking if I was ok or wanted to talk. I was crying in bed and cuddled into him for comfort and we ended up sleeping together after which he fell straight back to sleep.
I was furious the following day and he kept shouting at me that he was too tired and couldn't stay awake. This went on and on until I reminded him that he wasn't too tired to sleep with me. We've been arguing since then. I'm in hospital and I've not seem him. We're just texting.
He wants me to forget all he's done and he will "try" not to be such a wanker.
I'm finding this very hard to swallow. I'm so angry at him for causing this pain and taking no responsibility.
For 7 years before this he was a good man. He looked after me and the children really well and was thoughtful and kind. Can he go back to that? Should I make him follow through on promises? Or should I forget it all and just forget my hurt and "leg him away with it"

OP posts:
notagainffffffffs · 15/08/2014 11:14

Is leaving him not an option? I know this sounds shit, but from my own personal experience you cannot make someone love you :(

Yappydo · 15/08/2014 11:29

Yes leaving is an option. I know I can't make someone love me. We've two children and they would both suffer. I know they are suffering now from two unhappy parents but I don't want to throw in the towel at the first hurdle

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 15/08/2014 11:36

you have a choice - let it go or leave

he's done it - he can't take that back - you chose to give him another chance - so you have to

he promised things that didn't happen - what has he said when you discussed this with him? You slept with him by accident - are you not in a sexual relationship at this time

he may well be tired

you need to work out what you want and what he can give you and more importantly you need to TALK to him

PenisesAreNotPink · 15/08/2014 11:41

He sounds awful and frankly just not interested in making your relationship better.

Yappydo · 15/08/2014 11:44

I didn't sleep with him by accident. I cuddled into him because I was scared facing a daunting hospital appointment and wanted comfort. He cuddled back in his sleep and one thing led to another. We do not have an active sex life because we seem to be at loggerheads all of this time.
He goes silent, won't acknowledge his promises and then it turns into a huge row when he just remains silent.

Who is so tired that they can't ask their partner if they're ok? Who is so tired they can't say look I'm not feeling great right now and I want to give you 100% concentration so can we talk tomorrow? Who says they're too tired to ask if you're ok but not too tired to have sex?

I want him to prove he wants to be a part of the family he created. If he doesn't I can deal with that but he can't treat me like this and stay. He knows this but feels I'm being unreasonable and I should forget his promises and his infidelity.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 15/08/2014 11:56

You can't make him follow through on promises so YABU to 'make' him. YANBU to expect him to keephis word.

It sounds like your forgiveness was dependent on him changing, and he hasn't made those changes. It's up to you if you're willing to give him another chance but tbh this isn't just about an emotional affair. It sounds as though he doesn't give you enough emotional support at all. Stop texting and focus on yourself and on getting well.

Then you can decide what to do next.

BookABooSue · 15/08/2014 11:57

Also you don't need him to agree that he's treating you badly or that he's gone back on his word. It's enough for you to feel like that and act on it.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2014 14:02

But this isn't the first hurdle.
The first hurdle was him having an affair.
Some people never get over there.
They try and try and try but they just can't get there 100%.

You've had a year of promises he's not followed through on.
That is a lot more than 1 hurdle.

It really depends on how much you value yourself.
You can put up and shut up or you can look at this for what it is and move on for your own health and sanity!

It's obvious he's just 'not that into you' anymore.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/08/2014 15:56

I have a friend like you who has a DH like you and also had a health issue recently. She got a similar response. What occurs to me is the Hs are acting in the same way they would if a washing machine broke down or a cooker stopped working. It's annoying, inconvenient and they don't want to be bothered. Not the same reaction as when your life-partner, who you love and care about is ill.

I don't think he loves you. Sorry. Flowers

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