to hate my mother when she drinks

[sickovit]

Most people are happy when they have had a few drinks, or they become mellow and relaxed, what I would call 'happy drunks' (if there is such a thing)
But my mum is the complete opposite. Sober, she isn't too bad and is an interesting person to talk to. But as soon as she has had more than one glass of wine her personality changes completely and she becomes very Opinionated, Loud and Nasty.
Recently we all went out to celebrate a family Engagement. Within the hour she had finished one bottle of wine and was on the second. Her personality flipped completely, to the extend that she was arguing and hurling barbed insults at most people round the table, over the pettiest of things! (I think she thinks she is being interesting)
People were trying to ignore her but it was very difficult. One of the couples left early and I'm sure it was down to her.
I now feel very wary of going to any more family celebrations.
It's the nasty aggresiveness that bothers me the most.

What would you do? Should I talk to her? Does she have a drink problem?
One other bit of information, she is looking very bloated lately, so could she be a secret drinker?

More than likely she is drinking more often than you think. Mine is the same, has been since my earliest memories and it's shit. If we're out and she orders anything other than wine then we're in with a fighting chance for an ok night, if she orders wine I make my excuses and leave. The few times I've confronted her (only ever in the middle of a row, don't think I'd have the balls to bring it up in passing) it's resulted in periods of silence, fake promises and even more hidden drinking. I'd dearly love to tell her that her hiding place for empty bottles is not exactly original but that's another row I can't be assed with. So, after all that I have no advice for you as I don't know what the answer is. But you're not alone xx

Oh, yes. My mother as well.

And she also Won't Shut Up when she's had a few, so we visit and finally got the kids in bed, sit down to watch some tv and have a bit if quiet and she will talk for hours, get emotional, and get upset when I try to go to bed even though she knows the baby wakes often, and the toddler will be up early...

It's always the wine!
I've wondered if she would be quite so bad if she changed to something else.
I've never seen any hidden bottles, but I don't live with her so who knows.
But something that sounds strange to me, is that she is constantly talking about drinking and will say strange things like, in response to How was Christmas?
'Really good, we haven't even touched any of our Sherry/Baileys.'
Or if she goes out for the day with a friend.
How was your day?
'Really good. We only had one glass of wine.'
There is constant denying, even when nobody's accusing her of anything. subconcious guilt maybe?
It sounds warning lights with me for some reason (along with the aggressiveness when drunk).

Alcohol does not change a person's personality, but disinhibits them.

So, yes, your mother has a problem with alcohol (whether she is physically dependent or not is somewhat beside the point).

You can try speaking to her, but she may well become instantly indignant and defensive (a lot of people who drink more than is good for them know, but don't want to hear it).

Have a look at the Al-Anon website - you may find some of the information useful.

In the meantime remember you do not cause your mum's drinking or her behaviour when under the influence, you cannot stop it and it is not your fault.

What responses do you think your mother might give to the CAGE questionnaire?

The denial is interesting, isn't it?

Thanks for the advice so far.
I feel sorry for her, and only dislike her when she's drunk. that's what's horrible.

Alcohol does not change a person's personality,

this worries me a bit. but I think you are right Pacific, she has always been aggressive but becomes super-aggressive when drunk. All her negative personality traits are magnified.

Pacific, I looked at the questionnaire. I don't think she needs a drink every day. (but who knows). I think she is more of a binge drinker and becomes nasty with it.

I have experience of this. my mum seems to have a few and jumps directly onto what I call the crazy train...she just doesnt know how to get off.

after one particular nad experience my sister and I both told mum that we would no longer socialise with her.

it didn't stop the drinking and becoming nasty but it certainly saved me some embarrassment.

Alcohol is a psychoactive substance and as such can affect mood, consciousness or perception due to the effect it has on the central nervous system.

It is therefore very able to make people act in ways that are very different from the way they normally behave and distinct from their usual personality.

Your Mum may have unpleasant personality traits that are magnified by the disinhibiting effects of alcohol but alcohol can absolutely provoke behaviour that is not part of a person's usual personality. Otherwise, way do millions of people worldwide wake up after a big night out and think ' oh God, I cannot believe what I did last night!'.

It will be very difficult for you to make your Mum feel she has a problem if she doesn't think she has. The best approach if you feel able to is just to withdraw completely when she's pissed and being nasty. Just leave and if, when she sobers up asks why people left, tell her.

It's bloody hard though and shit for the people around her (hugs to you).

Alcohol doesn't change your personality, it just takes down the mask you usually put on to stay socially acceptable.

So for instance, when I get drunk, I have no personal space or boundary awareness so everyone is my best friend who needs a hug or to hear my whole life story, if they walk away I follow them. Last time I got drunk off my ass, I ran around introducing every random stranger to DH, telling them he was my future husband and just how in love we were. It made for a fun wedding toast story.

Anyway, you mom is just saying what she really feels or wants to say but can't because of social pleasantries. I'd first stop drinking around her. It's hard to drink if you're not doing it socially (unless you're an alcohol). Then maybe talk to her about it so she's aware of how mean she gets while drunk.

Also, put up some boundaries. If she starts acting like that, leave. When she sobers up she can choose whether she wants to keep drinking to that extent she loses control or not.

Hi Op. I know how you feel. I had this pretty much all my life, until my Mum passed away a few years ago.

The drink completely changed her personality, to the point she would say things the complete opposite of what she would do when sober.

She was definitely an alcoholic.

It is difficult to manage, but if you can try and see her just when she is likely to be sober it will be a lot easier for you. I can't tell you if speaking to her would help. It's quite possible she knows there is an issue but lacks the will or courage to do anything about it.

Could of written this myself.

My mother is a general PITA but her drinking is terrible and it turns her into a complete troll with no sense of humour or empathy for others.

Unfortunately I can't walk away from it at the moment- and if I get up from the table at dinner apparently it's my fault coming from the father who works 13 hours a day (i'm pretty sure some of that is to avoid her...) and the brother who is only here a handful of days a year.

Stupidly, I go out and buy the wine for her because otherwise I get the vipers tongue quicker than I normally would.

Glad I'm not the only one.

Why do some people become Nice Drunks and others become Nasty Vindictive Drunks?

You'd make a fortune if you had the answer to that one OP!.

I think sometimes it's to do with the amount drunk. Most people are sociable and happy after a couple but things deteriorate after that. Heavy drinkers are obviously drinking more than 'social drinkers' so more likely to have personality changes.

I know several kind, thoughtful and happy people who turn into nasty twats when they reach a certain stage of drinking and it just gets worse and worse after that.

Most recognise that so avoid drinking too much. Some don't.

Hipposque I would say that when she is sober you most definitely say these things out loud. My mother operated as if each new day is a clean slate and to talk about the past was bad form. It wasn't and it isn't.

The thing with someone who has a drinking problem is to be very matter of fact and unemotional and make it clear it is not a discussion.

This is where she keeps her secret stash, this is where the empties are, you find her behaviour unacceptable when she is drunk and you won't stick around for it. As soon as she orders a wine when you are out you will leave. This is not a discussion. It is not an accusation. These are facts and what she does with them is up to her. Put your foot down now or you will have years of this. Drinks and toddlers are the same. If sulking works for a toddler then they only get worse.

I stopped drinking vodka, because I hated the the person I turned into, gin is fine!

My mum has been an alcoholic for over 20yrs but she just won't accept it.

She is embarrassing and a handful when she's drunk. I've tried the emotional route, begging her to get help (mostly when I was younger) but I accepted long ago she has to make this decision herself. What I did do the last time I visited and she got legless was to tell her very matter off factly the next day that I felt very sad as there was obviously something that troubled her which made her drink and that I was very sad she couldn't seek help. Be honest about how you feel, and let her know there is help out there if she needs it, but recognise only she can make that first move.

I avoided telling my mum how her drinking affected me for yrs and I feel That this kind of enabled her to keep on doing it.

OP - were you at a dinner I was at recently? I have a close family relative who this sounds exactly like, and the worst thing is that her behaviour is pushing me away from her DP, who fully backs her up, I guess through the fug of booze, he doesn't see how things look from an outside perspective.

It's upsetting, but to be honest, I'm beginning to respect her DP less and less anyway. Unfortunately, it'll be down to me to look after him when he gets doddery, but them's the breaks.

OP, I don't have any words of advice for you, but the support you will receive on here will be brilliant - one of the best things about this site is that we start to realise that we're not the only ones going through whatever it is we're going through. I personally think that some of what I've read on here should be bloody taught in school.

Take it easy on yourself & try not to get dragged down by it all.

I had exactly this problem with my mother.....until she was diagnosed diabetic and stopped drinking. Blood sugar levels drop with alcohol and low blood sugar can make you argumentative and aggressive. May be worth mentioning it to your Mum?

I feel for you sickofit. My Mum was a big drinker and was on the whole a nice person but could come out with some very nasty things when she had had a few drinks - a particular gem was describing my then boyfriend, who had a mobility problem as a result of a chronic medical condition, as a "spastic". Not to his face, thankfully but it was still awful and I couldn't bear to speak to her for months after that. I was always very wary of what she might say or do in company.

She got worse after her partner died; she was able to cope rationally with the grief when sober but she'd hit the bottle every single evening (wine and whisky) and it would turn her into an emotional wreck - fair enough you might say but this went on for several years. She would refuse to go to bed and stay up drinking until she literally fell over. doyouthinkshesawus - sounds a bit similar to your experience.

She admitted herself that she didn't enjoy my brother's wedding because it only took her a few drinks to become obsessed with the fact that she was alone and ragingly jealous of my brother starting out married life with his new wife.

My brother and I confronted her head on, though as sensitively as we could, trying to explain that we didn't like the person she became when drinking, and we did try to encourage her to talk about her unhappiness when sober, and support her through her grief. She wouldn't listen though. She died of cancer about a year ago. The illness seemed to stop her craving booze, which I am very grateful for as it meant that we were able as a family to have some reasonable hearts-to-heart towards the end. However I do wonder if the heavy drinking was a factor in her getting ill in the first place.

Sorry not to have anything more constructive to say, other than that I feel for you.

All people are arses when they drink. I think the main reason why people drink is to turn themselves into an arse so they don't notice the other arses.

I also hate when my mum drinks. She gets particularly sneery and critical of me. And the best bit is you know that she's saying what she thinks because all filters are off when you're pissed. I don't hang about her now if we're at functions or family do's as it just annoys the hell out of me.

How can I help my problem drinker quit drinking

Consider having a look at the Al-Anon website.

As sad as it is, its a relief to know this isnt just something I experience. When sober my mum can be a bit headstrong but is generally a very nice person. However, as with pp, she regularly drinks wine, becomwa a PITA and makes cutting, hurtful comments.
When i confront her, she will smile and say she knows its not healthy and she's not going to drink on weekdays/this week/until x's party etc but we both know she's lying.
I love her but its ruined our relationship because when the filter comes off, she seems to aim for my DH and my sisters DP. When it was me I could take it but I cant handle her being nasty to him. Its also had a knock on effect with my relationship with my dad - he enables her so he can have an easy life (if he buys the wine, she starts early evening and ends up asleep by 9pm so he can have some peace) and he completely disconnects when she's being horrible. He wanders away so she's someone elses problem.
Sorry, I have no solutions, but you are definately not on your own