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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit dissapointed in the grandparents

27 replies

ohweeeell · 14/08/2014 15:49

Sorry, bit of a moan... Our DD is 2 and I cant help but feel quite disappointed in the lack of interest from some of her grandparents. A couple of friends have recently had babies and their parents seem to be sooo interested in their DGC it is just highlighting even more how little interest some have. Perhaps it will change with time, as our DD gets older or perhaps they just aren't that interested full stop.

My DM is very keen to see my DD and spend time with her and me all together. My father & stepmum are not interested at all, I couldn't tell you the last time they came to visit, all recent visits I have made through to them, they didn't even make an arrangement to see DD for her birthday.

My MIL is interested in seeing our DD if we go round to her house to have dinner and sit at a table with great grandparents, etc. However, my DSIL had a baby a few months ago and MIL managed to change her working week to 4 days instead of 5, helps SIL out, etc. has never done anything like this for us, though I get she has a different relationship with her DD than my DH, but I still find it hurtful. The day in the week she is off is one of the days I am at home with DD but they don't suggest meeting up, etc. My FIL is interested in seeing our DD to be fair, he makes an effort to visit/meet up and see DD roughly once a month.

My DH finds it quite frustrating too, though we are grateful that my DM and his DF are at least interested in spending time with DD. I just would like them to be interested in her and want to spend time with her, doing things she would enjoy sometimes. The fact that my MIL helps SIL out but not us is hurtful, my DH said that perhaps we don't seem like we need any help. But help aside, I would just like her to want to see her DGD.

I would never say anything to any of them as I wouldn't want them seeing DD out of obligation or just because I had told them to. So just having a moan really, AIBU to expect they would be more interested? Some of our friends' parents take their DGC out every weekend we can't even get some of ours to visit Sad

OP posts:
crashbandicoot · 14/08/2014 16:01

I.think your MIL might not want to muscle in on your time/relationship with your own DM and feels more comfortable being around her own DD.

From a child's point of view it would be a shame if your DD felt that she wasn't the 'favoured' dgc however.

cindydog · 14/08/2014 16:07

Of course MIL would prefer to spend time with her own daughter rather than spend it with DIL . Why should she spend her days off with inlaws and grandchildren.

MamaPizza · 14/08/2014 16:08

YANBU for being a bit disappointed.

YABVU if you put it into perspective - your DD HAS grandparents.
My DS has none (one half dead the other half refuse to even meet him after disowning me many years ago).
And I bet there are many other children out there without them. So, be grateful for what you have.

Partridge · 14/08/2014 16:15

I can see this could be hurtful. And it is very refreshing to hear about a dil who would like to spend time with her mil. Not the usual crap about mil and dil being unable to communicate and spend time together as suggested up thread.

Why wouldn't a mil want to spend time with a dil and dgc? The implied exclusivity of dd and dm relationships makes me Angry. My sil has just spent 6 happy weeks staying with my dm (her mil) as she came for the summer from overseas. The 3 of us had a brilliant time with no favouritism and we were gutted to see her go.

AllotmentQueen · 14/08/2014 16:19

What a very sad attitude cindydog.

WaffleWiffle · 14/08/2014 16:21

Why don't you be pro-active?

You visit them, rather than waiting for them to visit you.

Or you invite them on a specific day/time for a specific event ("lets go to the park/have lunch/go shopping etc), rather than waiting for them to contact you.

WooWooOwl · 14/08/2014 16:26

Have you asked your MIL to help you out? Have you suggested that you and she meet up on the day she's doing childcare with her other grandchild?

If not, I can't really see why you are so hurt over that not happening.

Maybe your mil thinks that as you have your own mum around she doesn't need to offer you as much support as she does her dd. What are your SILs in laws like? Maybe she doesn't get the offer of help from her child's other GM either.

This could just as easily be an AIBU asking 'aibu to not want to spend my days off with my mil and her other grandchild?'

Original poster
ohweeeell · 14/08/2014 16:44

Thanks for comments so far, anytime I see my Father & Step mum it is at my suggestion and I have to go to them (roughly 45 min drive each way).

I have asked my MIL to babysit the odd evening, I have also asked my DM to babysit on the off evening, I don't ask anyone else for any help, like I say, it isn't really about the help as time being spent with DD.

I have asked my SIL if she wanted to catch up on the day my MIL is off, she told me she was busy, she was out with MIL and didn't suggest we join so I wouldn't suggest meeting on this day again as I feel this is 'their' day. I completely understand she will have a closer relationship with her own DD, though I do have a slight concern about my DD feeling like the 'unfavoured' grandchild in future as was mentioned up the thread. However, it is early days.

My SIL gets a huge amount of help from her ILs, they are going to drop & collect her DC from nursery when she goes back to work in a couple of months & are taking her, her DH & their DC on holiday.

OP posts:
ROARmeow · 14/08/2014 16:48

What does your DH say about that? What was his relationship with his own GP like when he was young?

Original poster
ohweeeell · 14/08/2014 17:14

DH says I shouldn't compare because him and his DSIS are treated differently so its bound to filter through.

He was very close with his grandparents, seeing both sets weekly and going on holiday with maternal grandparents.

I'm going to leave my dad to it and see how long it takes to hear from him, I have done all of the running there. I will make a few more suggestions to MIL/SIL for meet ups which I mainly wanted for the two DGC to spend time together but wont suggest it on the same day that my MIL is off, will leave it to a weekend.

OP posts:
MiaowTheCat · 14/08/2014 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Albertatata · 14/08/2014 19:30

We have experience of this too - MIL is verging on obsessed with her own DD children but really has to be forced to spend time with ours. If I'm honest (& if you read my previous threads) it has caused ongoing resentment which is ridiculous. After the last IL visit we have just resigned ourselves to the fact they aren't as interested in our gorgeous boys and unfortunately that is their loss, but I'm fed up of letting the resentment simmer & make me miserable. Enjoy your family for what it is & make the most of what you do have, don't waste your time trying to force other people to be different

Original poster
ohweeeell · 14/08/2014 19:34

miaow that really is rotten! Going on Skype when she is visiting, how rude is that!!!?? Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
ohweeeell · 14/08/2014 19:39

So sorry alberta I can totally see the resentment thing! It really isn't nice, you are right though, their loss.

OP posts:
Eva50 · 14/08/2014 20:35

I have brought up a step daughter, two sons with s/n's (both still at home) and am still bringing up my youngest ds. My dgs is 2 and is a really lovely little boy and pretty good as far as two year olds go but I've done all this and don't want to spend my time looking after any more children. I will always take him in an emergency and have looked after him a couple of days when he couldn't go to nursery. I am happy to have them round for lunch occasionally but my days of running after toddlers are well and truly over.

I know dsd would like me to have him a couple of days a week while she works but I have been pleasing other people for a lot of years and I look forward to "being free" doing my own thing. This is no reflection on how much I love dsd or dgs. I think everyone is different and I have friends who can't get enough of their dgc and that's fine but it's just not the way I am.

It sounds as if you are more concerned about this than your dh and I think you should just do your own thing and let them do theirs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/08/2014 21:00

ohweeeell... you say it's not about the 'helping' but you're quite focused on that in your posts, comparing what you have with SIL whilst acknowledging that of course the relationship will be different.

Do you make the effort to see SIL and your niece? This should be separate from what you do with MIL. Perhaps MIL is getting a vibe from you that she's expected to be 'doing stuff for you'? Perhaps as Eva mentions, that's a real fear for her and she doesn't want to take on anymore childcare?

Your daughter is 2; what visiting did you do/invitations did you extend when she was born up until that time?

I'm of the mind that grandparents are nowadays more aware of the expectations being placed on them and they don't always like it. Some people can be very selfish (my brother and SIL for a start), they do nothing for my mum but have huge expectations of her. What I'm asking is whether you have a relationship with your MIL/FIL, you personally, rather than just as your daughter's mother?

It may also be that they're just busy as their daughter requires help and perhaps their son (your husband) hasn't asked?

Would it be worth having a non-accusatory chat with them about how you would really like it if the extended family was closer to you and what could you do to facilitate that?

Original poster
ohweeeell · 14/08/2014 21:55

By points about MIL helping SIL is just showing a comparison that this has been offered (and I know it has been offered and not asked for) to one sibling but not another. Both of her children have a child and she is offering more help to one than the other. It's not that I want the help, but that I see it is unfair to give to one and not the other IYSWIM.

I do not want help with childcare nor have I ever asked for it or implied it, my DH and I manage the childcare between us, we have asked for the odd bit of babysitting from my Mum & MIL they have each looks after her twice this year for a few hours while DH and I went out, which we are very grateful for. I also ensure i take turn about in asking them.

My stepmum I feel would have similar comments to that of eva though imagine her thoughts may change if/when my younger siblings have kids of their own. Though again, I don't expect babysitting, etc from my dad and stepmum, they have never babysat, I have never asked them, some interest would be nice though.

My FIL I refer to separately as he is divorced from MIL.

I have been very open with invitations and visits since dd was born, doing a lot of visits, inviting family over, to birthday parties, etc. I have made an effort, it is now, 2 years in that I am starting to get a bit fed up of being rebuffed.

I have had play dates with SIL and DN separately, i can honestly say I make the effort a lot, with them all, I am just getting a bit bored of being the one who does it all.

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 14/08/2014 22:05

I absolutely adore my dgd, but HATE babysitting.

Why chase after what you don't have, when you actually do have two very involved grandparents?

Pugaboo · 14/08/2014 22:25

I sympathise OP. My parents have a much better relationship with my sister's DC as they live closer. My MIL massively favours her daughter's DC. Both my DH and I have shed tears over it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/08/2014 22:33

My parents are as involved as possible given distance and their age.
PIL came down when DD was a baby (once) every other time I had to make the journey (some 580 miles ) to them, to hear them complaining they didn't see them often enough Hmm
Even when I did take them, there was minimal effort made WRT finding out what food they wanted or toys to play with.

(My dad always phones "What do they like to eat? I got them XYZ is that ok" . And he'll take them out, when they were babies right through to now )

It is annoying but meh that's life.

Scholes34 · 14/08/2014 22:55

Relationships with grandchildren stem from the relationships between the parents and grandparents. My mum has an excellent relationship with my SIL, and following on from that sees a lot of my neice and nephew, because they live close by. I don't expect the same relationship with my children because the interaction is different and so the relationship is different.

OP - if input/interest/interation is important, I think you're being a little bit to passive.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 15/08/2014 00:57

Is your child pleasant to be around or a whiny brat? Be honest. There's your answer.
Most of MN could do with the same dose of truth about their precious darlings.
If they are shits to be around, you will struggle to find people to be around them!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2014 01:00

MrsBiggins... The child is only TWO years old. I think your post is horrid. :(

MrsBigginsPieShop · 15/08/2014 01:01

Oh dear. Struck a chord dearie?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2014 11:20

You silly woman... Grin

Dearie? bleurch...