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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want people to keep their bloody opinions to themselves?!

26 replies

MrsN1984 · 14/08/2014 07:58

My husband and I decided a long time ago that we only want one child.
We are the eldest of 11 and both have very large families.
I am confident there will be lots of cousins and our child isnt going to be lonely.
Getting seriously fed up of hearing how I am being selfish or evil for just wanting one.
What if I could medically only have one - would I still be a horrible person?!
Ive been very blunt with my responses because I imagine if I let people walk all over me now - it will only get worse once DC has arrived!
Why as soon as you get pregnant does everyone think you want to hear their opinion?! Angry

OP posts:
Infinity8 · 14/08/2014 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 14/08/2014 08:11

Yanbu

Although sometimes I think people just prattle on about it to make conversation.

deakymom · 14/08/2014 08:14

you always get questioned i had one i was asked when i was having more i had a second (8 years later) i was told i was making a mistake and should have stuck at one i had a third and was told i should stop plus im asked when im having a fourth to make my family "even" (no idea) then im still asked when im having more by people who know my husband has had a vasectomy there opinion is i should "just get it reversed" really? why would he have gone for the op if we wanted more kids!

its frustrating isn't it

helzapoppin2 · 14/08/2014 08:16

Yanbu. It's amazing the things people want to give you their opinion on. You are quite right to be blunt to them.

ROARmeow · 14/08/2014 08:26

I have a DS and a DD.

Some people tell me to not have any more, as it's lovely and even as it is.

Others tell me that I'm still young (30) so have plenty of time to have more.

DH and I are happy as we are, so we just ignore what others say. Every fecker has an opinion.

Deelish75 · 14/08/2014 08:41

I went to a new hairdressers. She was asking about my family, I explained I had a DS, would like another in the future but as i am enjoying my time with him now, we would probably wait until he was nearer school age (plus we'd be financially better off.) She told me that when she had children she would want a close age gap, it would be nice and they would get on and play really well together (DB & I are 2yrs apart and fought like cat and dog) and she asked would my DS get lonely, and did I not feel guilty about that.
I stuck with the same salon but changed hairdresser. She then got pregnant and went on mat leave. I mentioned to my new hairdresser about it being her first and was told she already had a child, he was about 12yrs old! I don't know her reasons for only having one child and the age gap but I couldn't believe she had been trying to make me feel bad for wanting the age gap I wanted and hadn't told me she herself had an only child.

DaisyFlowerChain · 14/08/2014 10:24

Only children are seen to be wrong by many but it often means people have the time, energy and finances to ensure their child has many opportunities.

Having a sibling doesn't mean they will get on. Most fight, many get resentful of being second best re hand me downs, time is thinner on highs ground and more compromises have to be made re extra clubs etc.

There's no magic number.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/08/2014 11:40

People are just daft and making conversation.

I have 4 and my family were horrified at number 4. No idea why as hadn't asked their opinion.

Ignore ignore.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/08/2014 11:41

Deelish she sounds daft.

Crinkle77 · 14/08/2014 11:50

My mum once said it was selfish of me not to want children. I couldn't understand her logic. She already has grandchildren (my older sister has 2 girls), my partner does not want children either so was not entirely sure who I was being selfish to?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 14/08/2014 13:32

Ah you can't please people, I don't think, unless you have one boy, one girl, 2 year age gap, then stop. Anything else invites comment.

( mother of two boys, considered getting a t shirt printed with " no it isn't a shame and no I will not be trying for a girl" after the birth of my second.)

EarthWindFire · 14/08/2014 13:46

YANBU. I really hate people 'reading into' things that they know nothing about.

DP and I often get comments about not having children and people wrongly assume that it is my DP that doesn't want any more children as he has them with his first wife. The truth is that I am unable to have them and if life was different we would love to have more,

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 13:52

Ha! I post baby pictures or updates on fb and get poked by the parenting police. Just enjoy the fucking updates.

What I'm saying is, get used to it. Once you have a baby it's going to be all old school advice and how "When I had my kids we did this, and they turned out just fine". They all think they know best because by sheer luck their baby managed to survive.

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 13:53

I didn't mean just put up with it, I meant, don't think the opinions and unsolicited comments are going to stop. They'll just change subject once baby is born.

CrapBag · 14/08/2014 14:03

YANBU. It is no ones business but yours and DH.

Like others have said, it would always be about something. I have 2 and frequently get asked if I am having any more. When I say I am undecided, some ask why on earth I would want more when I already have a girl and a boy. Confused

When I had eldest, DH's annoying nan kept going on about when was I going to have another one, 5 days after DC was born, when I was sleep deprived and tearful and felt like a shower of shite. She was lucky I just sat quietly tbh. Then I had DC2 and MIL made a comment about us not having anymore (like it was a done deal) and I said something about we weren't sure yet and she done a sort of eye roll and said "oh god" under her breath.

Some people are making conversation, some are just rude, some are just bloody annoying but everyone will have an opinion on it. Grin

bethcutler13 · 14/08/2014 14:04

Contradictory question in itself but no, YANBU

Smartiepants79 · 14/08/2014 14:10

I've never in my life met anyone rude enough to call someone selfish/evil for choosing to have one child. Who are these people?
Of course the size of your family is totally up to you. I would hope that mst people are simply making conversation. I find that people who are in one situation ( 3 kids for instance) and are very happy with that find it really difficult to understand why everyone else wouldn't want that too and are happy in a different situation (1 kid).
I can't really understand why anyone would choose to only have 1 BUT I respect that they do, and are happy with that choice. I would never comment on it in a negative way.
Try and just ignore. If you're happy, what else matters?

WildItWasFurious · 14/08/2014 14:13

A good response is 'I have no idea why you think that is an appropriate thing to say.'

FWIW my fiance and I are both only children and are perfectly happy with this state of affairs.

treaclesoda · 14/08/2014 14:17

when my sister was struggling with infertility a total random stranger in the queue in the supermarket asked if she had children. She said no and the woman then proceeded to tell her that young people are too selfish these days, she and her husband should be ashamed etc. so I can well believe that people are rude enough to say such ridiculous things.

How she didn't punch the woman I just don't know.

OP, yanbu.

So, anyway,

farewellfigure · 14/08/2014 14:20

I have one ds who's 6 and I still get asked ALL THE TIME if I'd like more. I tell them very truthfully that having ds was not at all easy (it took 2 very emotional years to fall pregnant), and that I couldn't go through that again. I'm also 42 which is probably a bit old. They sometimes realise that it's quite an insensitive thing to ask after that. The truth is I'm quite happy with just one ds. I like the balance of power Grin

RiverRocks · 14/08/2014 14:24

Had a bit of a giggle to myself about the irony of your title sorry, been a long day, but to give you my opinion, YANBU. Your family, your choice.

ArethaFranklinstights · 14/08/2014 14:55

YANBU. My lovely friend has one son whom she adopted after a string of miscarriages and stillbirths. At a school event one of the other kid's grandmothers got stuck into her about how selfish she was to only have one child. My poor friend stood up and left in tears. To have told her to shut up and put her in her place would have meant, my friend felt, revealing information which is frankly no one else's business.

Original poster
MrsN1984 · 14/08/2014 16:25

WildItWasFurious - i might just use that one , its more polite than what was in my head.
Thanks for all your comments - i feel slightly more sane now x

OP posts:
CaptainHammer · 14/08/2014 17:22

YANBU! I'm an only child and didn't grow up lonely or feel like I missed out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/08/2014 18:12

Smile, nod and say, "How interesting.". Everytime they say anything. Don't say anything else.

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