Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

Quite willing to accept might be...it's got step mums in it too!

76 replies

3stripesandout · 13/08/2014 21:43

I have a song I've sung to the DC every night since they were babies (you are my sunshine) it accompanies scratchy back (like a stroke/tickle on their backs) all 3 of them have it in turn and it's their two minutes that is sacrosanct and not to be disturbed by the others just before sleep!

DD informed me tonight that this routine has been adopted by step mother/dads girlfriend.

AIBU to think I should be able to keep this just for myself?

OP posts:

Report

3stripesandout · 13/08/2014 22:44

The story I got was DD (4) asked for scratchy back and the song. Girlfriend them did the same for the other DC. DD (9) said to me oh I don't let her I ask for a book instead.

Of course I want them to feel comfortable and happy with her. But scratchy back and the song is mine!

I don't think I can say anything without looking ridiculous and petty but tbh I do think she could get her own bloody song!

OP posts:

ThatBloodyWoman · 13/08/2014 22:45

So the dc's asked?

Sorry but yabu.

3stripesandout · 13/08/2014 22:47

One of my (only) find memories is my
DM singing it when I was little, usually when drunk

I suppose I just wanted them to grow up and remember it as our thing we always did. Not our thing and dad's girlfriend.

But I did say I'd accept YABU. I'll just chew my bloody fist.

OP posts:

hoobypickypicky · 13/08/2014 22:48

So is she as permanent as any partner/spouse might be? Or is she "just" a girlfriend or new to the relationship with your ex?

I really think that the answer to that would make the difference to how I saw it.

SallyMcgally · 13/08/2014 22:49

YANBU at all to mind. Anyone would. But she's NBU either if they asked her.
I'd mind a hell of a lot, but I helpfully I don't have suggestions for what you can do. (At least DD9 doesn't want it.)

3stripesandout · 13/08/2014 22:53

Been together just under a year. Don't live together but seem quite serious. I haven't met her so can't judge but DC like her.

OP posts:

SallyMcgally · 13/08/2014 22:55

Do you get on well enough with your ex to suggest she has a different song? I'm a stepmother, and I'd have understood completely. I wouldn't have thought it petty at all. I think it would be mean-spirited to find it petty.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 13/08/2014 22:55

You're being precious. Would you rather she didn't care about your kids?

fairylightsintheloft · 13/08/2014 22:56

Sorry but not "everyone would mind". I don't really get this possessiveness about kids - people on here who are upset that someone else saw first steps or whatever. A friend of mine stayed at home precisely because she couldn't bear the idea of a CM having a special role in her DD life - I'm delighted that our CM loves my two and they her, that they accidentally call me by her name sometimes. It shows how well they are cared for and how happy they are in the many hours I am not there. If your younger DD asked for it as a comfort at bedtime, I would be more concerned if it was denied.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 13/08/2014 22:58

Your DC asked for it specifically and she did it. I think it's lovely that she's listening to what they want to settle them before bed. I'm sure there are plenty of SM's around who'd blow a perfunctory kiss and close the door.

Foolishlady · 13/08/2014 23:02

It sounds like she's just being nice as they asked her to do it - they must find it comforting - but understand you feeling miffed. Not sure what you should/could do about it though, if your kids like it...

Lucyccfc · 13/08/2014 23:03

Sorry, but scratchy back and that song aren't yours -I've been doing exactly the same with my DS for 9 years. Chuck in God save the queen at bedtime and I would think you have been stalking me.

If that's what your children like, want or need, it shouldn't matter. I think it's nice that there step-Mum makes such an effort.

3stripesandout · 13/08/2014 23:06

Dontpuedown, I think there's probably amiddle ground between not caring for the kids and singing a song which is sung during a special two minutes every night. Wheels on the bus maybe?

OP posts:

3stripesandout · 13/08/2014 23:08

Ok Lucy....now close your eyes and image DS snuggled in bed and your husbands GF doing it...you don't feel a little twinge anywhere?

If not then you're a better woman than me

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 13/08/2014 23:09

YANBU to be a little upset but if your youngest has asked her to do it then YWBU to say anything to put a stop to it.

Look at it another way - how would you feel if your youngest came home distraught because she couldn't sleep without the song etc and dad's gf refused and put her to bed and walked away?

Pregnantberry · 13/08/2014 23:13

I am a SM and if my DSS had asked me to do something like that aged four I would have thought that he was doing it because he missed his mum and it reminded him of her/got him into his familiar routine, not that he saw me as comparable to her IYSWIM.

I can understand why you would be a little sad though, I probably would be too. All I can say is that it won't mean as much to the SM so hopefully it won't stick for long?

ADHDNoodles · 13/08/2014 23:14

Think of it this way. Your children want your song you sing to them because it reminds them of mommy, you. It means they miss you. :)

BarbarianMum · 13/08/2014 23:15

It wouldn't bother me at all. She was doing just what your dd asked her to, which I think is rather nice of her.

SallyMcgally · 13/08/2014 23:17

It's not possessive to cherish special rituals that are special to you and your child.

wishmynamewasdave · 13/08/2014 23:20

I had a similar thing with my Mother-in-law. When I stopped breastfeeding my 25month old I was pregnant, and my daughter replaced feeding with placing her hands under my top on my belly. It continued even after I'd given birth, and still now, a year later.

My lo came home from her Nanas the other week and told me she'd touched Nanas belly. I was so upset! I felt like she has breastfed her, and offered her comfort which should have been mine.

I did tell my girl that belly touching is our thing... but no idea if it went in, and I've no asked or broached the subject since!

I won't be saying anything to my mil though - as far as she was concerned she was just comforting her.

Stupid thing is, when I have my belly held my mil rolls her eyes at me!

Lucyccfc · 13/08/2014 23:34

3stripesandout -I would want what is best for my DS. If he wanted my Ex-H's girlfriend to sing a specific song and scratch his back in a certain way, why should I want to stop that happening.

It would be about me putting the needs of my DS above my own feelings.

You asked if people thought you were BU - yes you are I'm afraid.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 13/08/2014 23:37

I can absolutely see why it would bother you and I'd want to scratch her eyes out buuuut if you DD asked for her to do it then I can see why she did.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

promisedyouarosegarden · 13/08/2014 23:44

So a 4 year old asks for a particular song at bedtime, and the woman sings it for her?

That's just subhuman.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 13/08/2014 23:53

Your DS did ask for the song.

I don't see any reason to call this woman a bitch like some people have.

If your DD asked for the song then it shows she likes the stepmum and is comfortable with her, so take that as a positive. You need to swallow your unreasonable yet understandable feelings, sorry.

WhatTheFork · 14/08/2014 00:24

I can see why you are miffed, but with greatest respect YABU.

Your LO asked for the song and she obliged. She's not trying to be their mummy, by the sounds of it, she's trying to make your children comfortable, happy and settled at bedtime. If I'm honest, she sounds lovely. If I'm really honest, if my DH's new gf (not in that situation though) played "the kissy game" with my DD2, I'd go nuclear

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.