to think he should do what I do

[4boys78]

So I am a sahm to 4 lovely but boisterous boys 10, 10, 8 and 2. Dh works long hours with early starts so I do all night wakings etc and somehow have lost my Saturday morning lie in. This week dh is out for 2 full evenings. So whilst he is out I will be doing bedtime, cooking, washing up etc. He can come in and just go straight to bed.
I have been out for a few hours one evening. Before I left I got youngest ready for bed and did washing up etc. I came home and found more washing up in sink. Ds4 and dt1 up playing and dh relaxing in bed. He hadn't done anything all next except look after dcaibu to give him and list on jobs when I next go out.

O and a knife and crumbs on the worktop I had just cleaned.

Surely all but the 2 year old should be helping with jobs like the washing up?

They do sometimes do washing up but mainly have responsibility for their own rooms. I guess it just annoys me that he doesn't do anything in the evenings.

So because the children can help does that entitle dh to do nothing.

Yes, give him a list of jobs. Ridiculous that you should have to - why so many men think they can function without using any initiative is beyond me. But if he needs it spelling out, then spell it out.

He should do more. But can't you talk to him rather than write him a list? If DH left me a list of jobs he expected me to do, I'd tear it up and throw it in his face quite honestly.

He needs telling op yanbu

I'd not do a list of jobs another adult had left me unless a superior at work.

I do think it's unfair that the person out at work all day is then expected to come home and start again in the house. The person home should do it during it the day but I know many on her disagree and believe being the sole earner and worker doesn't mean you get to rest when home after work.

Daisy I think that very much depends on what the person is doing 'at work all day' and what the person staying at home is doing!

Any washing up or mess that is created on his watch needs to be cleared up by him. You will probably need to make that point quite strongly though, because he may be one of the many men that seems to think housework is done by fairies.

Thats all I expect wowo I am not expecting my hard working at a desk all day dh to do anything heavy. Just wash up his own plate and cup and not leave crumbs on a freshly wiped counter. But why bother as housework fairy will do it in the morning.

Obviously didn't mean list of jobs literally. Just please can you leave kitchin as you found it and encourage dc to go to bed. Just be a bit more proactive really.

Op is looking after 4 boys all day including a toddler. I would say that is equal at least to a day in the office. She does all night wakings and doesn't get a lie in at weekends.
Op agree he should clean up after himself at the very least.

Get your lie in reinstated and tell him to start being a parent/adult.

Yanbu if all you want him to do is wash up after himself and put the kids to bed. Obviously.

But I do think your older boys should be doing their fair share as well. 8 is plenty old enough to wash up.

Daisy when does the person who has been working at home all day get to rest?
Doing ALL the housework, organising the children and looking after a toddler all day is pretty tiring and can be very draining if your children need a lot of attention.
The thing with being a parent is that the job doesn't stop at 6pm. You are on duty 24hrs a day, especially with kids under 5.
Currently, looking after our children is my 'job'. If i didn't do it we'd be paying someone else to do it. When do I get my rest?
My house is a bit like yours OP. my DH seems to simply not notice that stuff needs doing unless I tell him.
I work part time and still seem to end up doing the lions share of childcare/household crap. For the most part I accept that but I don't really see why my husband should be sitting around on his arse from 7-11 at night while I'm still running around hoovering and washing up.
I do insist on one weekend morning lie in and expect him to do his bit in the evenings.

Well, you say he hasn't done anything at all but he has hasn't he - he goes out to work long hours.

He should clear up after himself and not create work though.

Two ways here:

Either suggest he leaves the place in a decent state when you go out,or

Leave the washing up and tidying up next time he goes out.

I mean he hasn't done anything since he got home. I work looking after dc and do as much housework, as possible during the day and cook and wash up for me and dc. Dh got home whilst I was finishing off the kitchen. I went out for a few hours.
The next night I popped out at the last minute. Washing up in sink. It was of course still there when I got home. So I did it next morning so no point in leaving it.
Tonight he actually got home before me. Yet he didn't say I will cook tonight. So again I will cook and do washing up and bedtime.
If I complain he will say he is too tired.

So clearly things need to change op. Good luck with getting him to pull his weight.

why so many men think they can function without using any initiative is beyond me.

because he may be one of the many men that seems to think housework is done by fairies.

Sexist? Moi?