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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect my friend to reciprocate ?

26 replies

bellarations · 13/08/2014 08:26

A very good friend ALWAYS comes to our house has a lovely meal cooked and stays quite late, usually past midnight.
This has been going on for years, her children are now grown up and I still have young children so she justifies "there are a lot of you and only us so shall we come to you (long pause) or meet somewhere?" Wtf... Absolutely no intention of welcoming us to her. I said I don't mind coming to you, but she implied that she would save me hassle by coming to me instead. However I feel like she is taking the piss to never offer, leaving me to do all the work and pay for all the food. Yes, I know we could get a takeaway, I'm annoyed at the assumption that we "should" host because our children are young and hers have grown up so won't be included anyway.
Aibu to think my friend should reciprocate even if it means more work for her?

OP posts:

cailindana · 13/08/2014 08:29

YANBU but bloody well say something. Next time she says "we'll come to you," just say "Oh it'd be lovely to go your house for a change," and see what she says. If she tries to get out of it then you know she's just taking the piss.

ZenGardener · 13/08/2014 08:34

Is her house a mess?

Chippednailvarnish · 13/08/2014 08:36

I had a friend just like this, I decided to quietly drop her when I got tickets to a concert another friend had given to us and she didn't even buy him a drink.

I can't stand spongers.

stardusty5 · 13/08/2014 08:36

Does she have any reason to be embarrassed about her home? I don't like inviting people over if I can help it because where we live at the moment is shabby. We are hoping to move next year and I intend to show it off to everyone!

erin99 · 13/08/2014 08:38

YANBU, unless there is something else in her thinking. You having to find a babysitter? I would be tempted to call her on it.

Mellowdramatically · 13/08/2014 08:42

Depends... Do you enjoy cooking? Does she supply plenty wine/flowers as a pressie? If yes then perhaps it's ok - if not then she is taking the piss.

Ronmione · 13/08/2014 08:45

I think she's embassed about her home, maybe she's a hoarder or it really messy

Numanoid · 13/08/2014 08:54

My first thought, like other posters have mentioned, is that she's embarrassed by her home and doesn't like visitors for that reason. Is she embarrassed about where she lives/the size of her house? Is it messy? As Mellow said, if she brings something for you each time, like a bottle of wine, and if there is a valid reason for not inviting you to her house, then it's not that bad. :)

Original poster

bellarations · 13/08/2014 08:56

Calin .. I know I should say that, but I'm pathetic. I mumbled about oh I dont mind coming to you.
Zen ... Yes she is very messy... Maybe that's it. But I've known her 30 years, her ness isn't a surprise !
Chipped.... Yes I agree, having been friends such a long time, we have a big emotional connection so other than this annoying habit of hers, I can't justify dropping her.
Star ... Yes, she's messy but also has dogs and cats that are getting old, maybe she doesn't want to put the animals out, that could be it.
Erin, I should. It I'm a pushover because I don't want to be somewhere I'm not really wanted.
I see her logic (mess and pets, but annoyed at the expectation. I notice more and more as friends dc get older they do expect to visit us because of the effort involved with us having a young family, it seems shitty to me.

OP posts:

littlewhitebag · 13/08/2014 09:02

I suspect she just really loves coming to your house. I would look on it as a massive compliment. If her DC are older she may just be lonely and enjoy being in the bosom of a welcoming, young family. Does she bring any flowers or wine when she comes to yours?

nilbyname · 13/08/2014 09:04

Talk to her about it? Maybe you could do more of a being and share thing? You supply the main, she does puddings and booze? Or just order a takeaway that she can pick up on the way to you?

rollonthesummer · 13/08/2014 09:08

maybe she doesn't want to put the animals out

Why would she have to?

whiteblossom · 13/08/2014 09:22

YANBU. Either reduce how often she comes for dinner or ask her to bring a bottle and dessert- surly that's standard in these circumstances- if she insists on coming to you every time?

Original poster

bellarations · 13/08/2014 09:23

Roll - because she has big dogs & I have toddlers, that is what happens.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 09:32

You've answered your own question if she has dogs that she doesn't want to put out.

Apart from that, I can see where she's coming from if she thinks it's easier to be at yours so that your children can go to bed and you can still stay up to chat. Where would your children go at bedtime if you are all at hers?

I don't think she's being unreasonable as she offers to meet you out somewhere, she isn't obliged to want to host your toddlers to be fair. She could be a bit more forthcoming by insisting she brings a take away or cooked food with her to yours though.

Original poster

bellarations · 13/08/2014 09:53

Woohoo. I see your point about hosting toddlers, but think between friends "not wanting to host toddlers" is rubbish and quite mean spirited.

OP posts:

minipie · 13/08/2014 10:04

Ask her to bring dinner? or to clear up after?

I think there needs to be a "rule", one of you provides dinner and one of you clears up. There's no way it should be you doing both just because it's your house. For occasional guests yes but not someone who comes all the time.

RoadRunner123 · 13/08/2014 10:05

We've got good friends who we socialise with and we end up at their house more often than being at ours. The reasons for this are:

I'm not that confident to cook for eight and as a vegetarian I'm never sure if everyone will be happy with my non started fare.
whenever we go to other peoples houses they always seem to have endless food and drink on offer - it makes them seem like welcoming and generous hosts. We can't afford to stock up like that and offer lots of choices of drinks, puddings etc......so I always feel that we appear to be less welcoming as hosts.
Their kids are totally lovely but hugely messy and only have to look at a drink and it topples over! I do genuinely love them but do get fed up with popcorn, crisps etc in my carpet after they've been.
They are more sociable than us on the whole, so tend to be the ones that set the next date.....or invite us back if we've been out together.

Maybe any of those reasons?!

eddielizzard · 13/08/2014 10:09

you do need to grow a backbone i'm afraid. look at this as a learning opportunity. your self esteem will grow as a result of standing up to her.

NickyEds · 13/08/2014 10:14

I have a friend whose house we go to but we've never had round to ours. Our house is tiny and there just wouldn't be room for 4 adults, DS and her two small children whereas they have a much larger place. I always take flowers, wine and a couple of little pressies for the kids and when we do go out instead we pay to try and make it up to them!
I'd just take up her offer to go out instead!
Midnight is very, very late to stay at someone's house who has young children-at least if you were out you could just go home.

UselessNess · 13/08/2014 10:15

I don't really like having toddlers in my house now my DC are adults.

If she genuinely doesn't want you to go to her house then why don't you simply ask her to provide the starters and desserts. If you have known her for so long it should be easy for you to ask her.

ZenGardener · 13/08/2014 10:31

I think she should either bring a very big contribution like wine and pudding or just start meeting at a cafe or restaurant each time instead.

rollonthesummer · 13/08/2014 11:08

Do they voluntarily put the dogs out or do you ask?

Would you be happy at hers? What would your children do after dinner/if they're tired, at hers?

We have friends with a very hairy ageing incontinent dog (lovely though!) and they prefer to come to us at the moment (we have been to theirs plenty of times in the past though). Not a problem, but we get a takeaway and split the bill in half. They bring loads of drinks and help clear up!

Depending on your answers to those questions, you could suggest a takeaway, get in there first with, 'oh-you always come here-shall we come to you for a change?, go out or decline.

From what you've said, it's hard to make out if you're understandably fed up as they're tight and prefer being waited on or if you are hard work guests who flap about their children being near a dog or if you are a being a bit of a pushover who just needs to say no?

WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 11:18

It's not mean spirited to not want to host toddlers. My children are older not but I love my best friends two toddlers dearly. But when I have evening get togethers with my friend, where like you, they tend to go on until midnight, we do tend to stay at hers. That's because if she came to mine she would have to cart a load of toys around to keep them entertained, she'd have to put them to bed in unfamiliar surroundings which would mean they'd probably take longer to drop off, she'd then have to wake them to transfer them to the car, and then transfer them to bed again when they got home, we'd have to watch them much more carefully because my house is no longer child proofed, and if I was expected to leave my dog in the garden all evening because that would be the only way to completely separate him from said toddlers in my fairly open plan house, then he'd end up barking all night and annoying the neighbours.

Maybe next time you could take her up on her offer to meet out somewhere.

MehsMum · 13/08/2014 11:34

OP, have you thought about posting this on the brass neck examples thread which is currently running?

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