Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Penny finally dropped, I think she is an alcoholic. What can I do to help?

25 replies

Greenisthenewblack · 12/08/2014 22:36

I'm sorry everyone - this is another MIL thread.

DH and his siblings are in complete denial. Amazingly, they are well aware of how much she drinks but would never describe her as an alcoholic.

She drinks wine and gin, and begins mid morning at the week ends. She is usually very drunk by early afternoon when we visit. At parties and other social occasions she will usually be quite drunk before they have begun. Towards the end she will be emotional, crying, tripping over.

She is often drunk in front of our kids and drink drives without a second thought. Her moods are really difficult to understand and I could never work out if I had inadvertently upset her, because some days she is cold and moody, and other days very loving and over the top with affection.

She often gets moody with me if I don't offer a glass of wine at my house, even at odd times when most people would be happy with tea and a biscuit. It could be mid week and the middle of the day and she will want a glass of wine. She never ever asks outright for one but gets frosty if I don't offer.

My kids have had a few accidents in her care and I would wonder at the time how things happened - how could she not be watching? Now I think she may have just been drunk and a little bit oblivious.

So now it has dawned on me that there's quite a big problem here, what can I do to try and protect my kids from seeing it, and if it's possible, what can I do to help her? Also the mood swings are quite difficult to cope with, I never know what I'm going to get.

I really doubt she would admit having a problem and haven't tried to talk to her yet.

OP posts:

SallyMcgally · 12/08/2014 22:40

For your family's sake you should not allow her to look after your children. For the sake of the general public you should make it clear that if you ever again suspect that she's drink driving you will phone the police with the car reg. you should tell your husband that you will do both these things, and that it is as clear as day that she has a problem. But it's a problem that other people need to be protected from. Start with that.

slightlysnippy · 12/08/2014 22:45

Does she drink drive with your kids in the car?

Clobbered · 12/08/2014 22:50

I'm not sure I would tell her I was going to dob her in, just do it. The shock of a drink driving conviction might be enough to convince her (and the rest of the family) that she's got a problem. You know that she has to accept that there's a problem before she will agree to any help.

SallyMcgally · 12/08/2014 22:53

Inclined to agree with clobbered. At least it will get her off the road.

RoganJosh · 12/08/2014 22:56

Please don't leave your children with her.

I don't think there's much else you can do really.

NewtRipley · 12/08/2014 22:57

As well as the above, I think what I'd want to start by asking my DH is whether he has noticed that his mum is incapable of not drinking when she is driving, and that that is the definition of someone who is alcohol dependent.

My DHs father is like this although due to illness he has now stopped driving. You would not necessarily notice him being drunk because he has developed a tolerance. But he can't not drink, whatever the circumstances, and drinks more than is healthy.

How much does your DH drink?

My DH knows that I am also worried about alcohol abuse, because there is a history in both our families. He has agree to not be defensive when I raise the fact that he is slipping into daily drinking, because this was the start of his dad's (and is, I think the start of many people's) unacknowledged alcoholism

NewtRipley · 12/08/2014 22:59

Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there. Just wanted to raise the fact that alcohol abuse does run in families and that his and his siblings attitude may be linked to their own drinking

Original poster

Greenisthenewblack · 12/08/2014 23:11

I have never let her drive with my kids in the car, but not because I realised she was drink driving before. To be honest I never used to notice whether she was drink driving and would always assume if I'd seen her drinking during the evening that it was obviously just one glass as she knew she was driving.

I've never let her drive with my kids because the few times I've been in the car with her she has always had a near miss. I just thought she was a dozy driver. I've been very naive really. It never entered my mind she would be that drunk and then get in her car. I also wrongly assumed her children wouldn't let their mother put herself and others in danger.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greenisthenewblack · 12/08/2014 23:13

She won't look after the children again either. I will have to tell the rest of the family why and they will be angry when I say because of the drinking. They don't want to face up to it and will tell me I am over reacting.

OP posts:

Greenisthenewblack · 12/08/2014 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Greenisthenewblack · 12/08/2014 23:17

Any advice for trying to help her kick this? I can and will protect my kids but I don't want them to see an alcoholic grandmother growing up.

OP posts:

GoMe · 12/08/2014 23:18

Al-Anon for you, husband and BIL

SolidGoldBrass · 12/08/2014 23:39

You can't 'help her kick this.' Don't try. She will stop drinking when and if she decides to, and she may decide not to stop, ever. Alcoholics only stop drinking when they decide to stop, and other people trying to persuade or force them to do so is a complete waste of time.
What you can do is not leave her in charge of your DC, avoid her company if she is behaving badly. That's all.

mommy2ash · 13/08/2014 00:08

you can't do anything to help her stop that is totally up to her. you do have to protect your children from it though. I agree if you witness her driving over the limit you need to report it.

SugarMouse1 · 13/08/2014 00:29

Nothing. She clearly doesn't want to stop.

You should act supportive though, so she can confide in you if she ever says she does want to.

Do you have any idea why she drinks? has she got other problems you are aware of? would she be open to counselling?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 13/08/2014 00:38

What SGB said- exactly that. You cannot help her, or stop her, or reason with her. It just won't work.
It's a horrible thing to realise, and to have to "work round" so to speak, and you have to protect your children, and hopefully get your DH onside with that too. If she's been drinking heavily for years it will be "normal for her" to DH and his siblings iyswim, and it would be a huge thing for them to acknowledge that she is actually "An Alcoholic" when she is far from the "dirty old man in the park bench with a bottle of cider" image of one...

Original poster

Greenisthenewblack · 13/08/2014 00:43

She drinks because she is in an unhappy marriage, for about 45 years. My FIL is an alcoholic and I've been told very verbally abusive to her and the kids growing up. Not so much now, he has mellowed a lot and now just has a drink and dozes off. My MIL doesn't have any hobbies or interests particularly. She just sort of drifts along and puts all her focus onto her daughter and grandchildren. But then also I have noticed she wants to be made a fuss of and for big events to revolve around her or for her to be the centre of attention.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greenisthenewblack · 13/08/2014 00:49

Just to explain a bit more, she is always referring to what a difficult time she had with my FIL during their marriage. It was one of the first conversations I had with her when we met! If anyone ever tells her she is in the wrong about something, she will refer back to what a hard time she has had over the years and that we should make allowances as she has had to put up with so much. She trots this out even when it has nothing to do with the thing we might be talking to her about!

OP posts:

Chiana · 13/08/2014 01:42

My late father was a high functioning alcoholic and there was fuck all my brother and I could do to help him.

I agree wholeheartedly with Clobbered, don her in anonymously if necessary. You've got to protect pedestrians and other drivers from her.

Chiana · 13/08/2014 01:43

Dob her in, not don her in. Let the police deal with her.

FabULouse · 13/08/2014 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Greenisthenewblack · 13/08/2014 08:45

She is highly functioning too which makes it all the more difficult to say she has a problem.

Maybe she will seek help herself if I tell her I don't want to leave the kids in her care while she is drinking.

Good point about seeing whether she can drive without drinking. Incredible she has escaped having an accident on the roads. I will ask my husband to take her car keys next time and insist she gets home another way.m

OP posts:

JellyDiamond · 13/08/2014 09:32

If she's drink driving then you need to inform the police before she kills someone. I wouldn't hesitate in reporting someone for this, and actually the shock of a DD conviction might give her a massive wake up call.

hamptoncourt · 13/08/2014 10:22

green you have to dob her in to the police before she kills someone - how can you not see that?

DH won't take her car keys will he? He has never done it before so why would he start now?

Just quietly call Crimestoppers and tell them her name address and car reg and they will catch her in no time if she is drink driving as regularly as you say.

GoMe · 13/08/2014 19:16

It is a disease of the body and mind. She will need rehab and detox with specialised care. After so many years drinking her body will just collapse if she tries to do it on her own. Every cell of her body is addicted to alcohol. Once she stops drinking all hell will break loose and she will need other drugs to easy the pain and withdrawal symptons.
However, no one can force her to do it. Maybe a drink driving conviction will help.

Flip