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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think inlaws are trying to hammer final nail in the coffin

25 replies

Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 19:41

Long time lurker
Have major problems with hubby, we are on the verge of spitting up (we have a two year old son if that is at all relevant)

SIL adopted more then three years ago as a single mum. Adoption went through and she now has a six year old son

It has got so bad between me and hubby that I have moves out but we had agreed this Mormon to talk

I go to house to find him raging. He said that his mum and dad told him last night that someone had wrote an anonymous letter to the adoption agency saying that SIL would be an unfit mother and listed the reasons why. Apparently they all decided then and there is must have been my mother but have waited till now to tell hubby and I. And hubby believes them as things where apparently in the letter that SIL has discussed with family and I must have blabbed these back to my mum.

Now a few things are making me soooooo mad
Why wait till me and hubby are on the rocks to bring this up three years later
They have always been polite and pleasant to my mum including neon at the wedding of my cousin last weekend when they sat next to my mum and dad and talked to them all night. Could you really be like this with someone that you honestly thought had nearly ruined their daughters change of having a child.
My inlaws are known to tell everyone everything about them including bowel problems and depression so I have no doubt that others would have this info
My mum is the least technology savvy person in the world at the time she had no printer and could only log on with help (letter was typed)
I know my mum she would not have done this and I have told hubby that but he says they still all think it was her

WTF do I do

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Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 19:41

Sorry not this Mormon to talk I mean this morning to talk. We are not mormans :)

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Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 19:43

Sorry re typos on my mobile

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LadyLuck10 · 12/08/2014 19:48

I also agree with you why they've waited until now to bring this up. If you are splitting up with your DH I would not fight them over this. They believe what they want and why bother convincing them otherwise. Honestly just don't waste your time, and why drag your poor parents in this when they have their mind made up.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 12/08/2014 19:51

I would make it clear that you 100% disbelieve this.
I'd tell DM about the allegation.
I'd tell DH that the issue is separate to any discussion about your marriage and you will walk away from the conversation if he mentions it during your 'marriage talks'.
And I'd tell your ILs how hurt you are that they could consider your DM to have done this, and bewildered about why they've not mentioned this before and kept socialising as though nothing had happened.

Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 19:53

I agree but the thing that puts doubts that they have even thought this before now is could you honestly be friendly and chatty to the women you thought has tried to ruin your daughters life. As a parent I could not, no matter who they were

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twizzleship · 12/08/2014 19:54

you're the 'bad guy' in their eyes and they're out to demonise you it seems. i would call them up on their lies and ask for proof of these allegations, i mean sil must have a letter or something if this actually happened. they are deliberately shit stirring between you and your husband. i would be very tempted to send them an email warning them that if they continue to slander me i would sue them Grin

Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 19:55

I think if I told my DM about this my Dad would be hammering on their door demanding they say it all to his face.
Was there even a bloody letter!! I just don't know

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ICanSeeTheSun · 12/08/2014 19:56

Yanbu, it seems strange to bring this up now.

I would have it out with them, because I wouldn't like to have them thinking it was my parents.

Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 19:58

Apparently parts of the letter were read out to my SIL and her parents but they could not see it!! But apparently know that it was full of spelling mistakes as would fit in with my mums none existent word processing skills.

They are claiming it nearly stopped the adoption.
Would am anonymous letter really carry that much weight.

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Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 20:01

Yet there is girl that cut contact with my SIL just after the adoption, was catty with her and refused to come round and see the lad.
She was pissed that she would be losing her one and only single friend. I have mentioned her but oh no it can't possibly be her as she knew hardly anything about the adoption

Oh yeah she went on holiday with my SIL and her parents twice prior to the adoption as it was all being processes and she was always with SIL but she would know "nothing" about it b*s**t

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LadyLuck10 · 12/08/2014 20:13

Are they really saying that your mum is stupid of something because of the spelling mistakesShockthey are awful.
What on earth would your mother gain by your sil not getting a child. It's so unbelievable it must definitely be all lies.

Itsfab · 12/08/2014 20:14

I suggest you stop with the drama and decide if you are getting a divorce or not. If you know your mother did not do this then there is nothing more to be said.

drspouse · 12/08/2014 20:27

Um, is this the OP who previously posted about her SIL and how she felt the PILs were helping the SIL too much?
And at least one poster suggested it wouldn't be wrong to alert the SWs about the parenting of the SIL?
If I am wrong, I am sorry, and I assume she did not do this, but if the in-laws were in any way aware of her feelings (which I assume she was grown up enough not to act on) they might have reason to be suspicious about motives all round.

pluCaChange · 12/08/2014 20:43

Do you suppose they could be hoping for sight of that letter? It would be "important evidence" in a case of slander.

It is very late to be raising this issue, but msybe they're opportunists, and you're "splitting up anyway"?

Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 22:09

My inlaws do help her a lot but I don't begrudge it and have never posted about it on here :)
God knows what is going on in their heads maybe they were hoping they had hit the nail on the head and I would come out and say "oh yes it was my mum" maybe they really think I did it and where hoping to find out this way then they could sue for slander. God knows but I wish I could get hold off whoever did do it ( if there is even a letter in the first place)

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Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 12/08/2014 22:16

Itsfab I can see where you are coming from but as another poster said this is now all separate to the marriage issues. They are slandering against my my mum who's knows a lot of the same people that they do and thy always blab everything to everyone so god knows who they are spreading this too

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drspouse · 13/08/2014 12:01

Apologies in that case for being suspicious!

CerealMom · 13/08/2014 12:06

I agree with House. Lots of issues unrelated to each other.

If I was your DM I would want to know the accusations being made against me.

glammanana · 13/08/2014 13:05

You are so right in thinking that no one in their right mind would sit with someone who they thought had tried to throw spanners in the works when SIL was adopting no sane person would this they would have to mention it to them and why wait nearly 3 yrs does not make any sense at all,is this a last attempt to discredit you & your family by your PIL to your OH now they realise your marriage may be over ?
I would gently tell your mum what is being said before one of her other friends says something, if they all know a lot of the same people it won't be long before your mum is told,better coming from you sweetie,then your dad can do what he has to do.

WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 13:14

Tell your dad and let him go round there and say it to his face.

If they genuinely believe that your mum did this, presumably they will want to confront her.

Aside from the fact that they have brought it up this long after the event, what do they think you're going to be able to do about it anyway? Presumably your mum isn't your puppet.

What a bunch of wankers.

martinisdry · 13/08/2014 13:24

The ins and outs of a letter that may or may not have existed, that may or may or may not have come from your mother, that might or might not have scuppered an adoption that in fact went ahead successfully...is all a red herring.

What your parents-in-law have done, I'm sorry to say, is to show beyond doubt that they are not supportive of your marriage. At a time when they could have chosen to help their son find a way to keep his family together, they have instead chosen to add fuel to the fire of his feelings of uncertainty and dissatisfaction.

I'm very sorry for you OP. But at least you know where they stand now, so you know what sort of advice his nearest and dearest are giving him.

I think you're going to have to be very strong and insist on keeping discussions to the subject of your relationship - of whether you and he want, and are able, to stay together. And if not, how to separate in a way that is as peaceful as possible for the sake of your son.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/08/2014 13:38

Well they want to destroy your marriage don't they?

Ignore their crazy little drama, and refuse to let it become the centre of everything. It's irrelevant.

They are doing it to make sure you get ejected from the family. Is that what you want? Is that what your h wants? Mentions of him have been strangely absent from this thread. Why is that?

Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 13/08/2014 21:26

We have been having issues since having a baby. There have been faults in his side and faults on my side. I have had very bad PND after a traumatic birth and must have been hard to live with

But basically my DH believes them, he believes everything they say.

I still love my husband and want to stay with him and he says he wants to stay with me and he loves me, but would someone who really loves you back their parents in this way.

I have offered to go round and discuss it (or have it out) with inlaws which has been declined. I even offered to take my Dh round to my parents so he could challenge my mum and ask if she did it and he declined.

They have said they told my Dh because they where 100% sure the marriage was over (I had left to go to my parents that afternoon after a major argument) this was about three hours later!! You would wait a bit longer I think.

At least if we do stay togther I know where I stand, that I can't trust them an inch.

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Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 13/08/2014 21:28

I also have a disability and I think they have got it into the heads that Dh would be awarded full custody. They are practally third parents to their other grandson so they obviously want this with my child as well.

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Original poster
Vodkapleasenownownow · 13/08/2014 21:36

I will tell my mum sooner or later and if I do she will tell all my relatives as we are a close family. When we have get togthers such as my sons birthday there are always a lot more of my friends and family then my DHs family. At the last do there was 17 from my side compared to 5 from their side. If me and DH do stay together can you imagine the next do. I think they may feel quite uncomfortable because my side will make it very clear that they know what they have done.

Don't think they have really thought this through :)

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