To want DH to quit?

[blueberrypudding]

DH and I have been chatting about what to do after my mat leave ends. He's always wanted to be a SAHD and we're planning to swap after nine months with him taking the rest of my mat leave and potentially quitting to take care of DD as I earn quite a lot more than he does.

I've been suffering from really bad PND and the GP advised him a couple of months ago to take some time off work to "watch me". He took a month off and it really helped having him there. Now he's gone back to work FT and it's been quite difficult, with several very low days and weepy mornings as he leaves for work, though I still enjoy being around DD immensely.

I've asked him to consider quitting work a few months early but he says he can't justify it to himself unless I go back to work early, but I feel like I'm not ready to leave DD yet. We have some money saved up as a buffer which could tide us over for those months but he thinks it's stupid to waste our savings when he could be working, even though I feel it'll really help me.

Am I being totally selfish, stupid and unreasonable?

I have to agree with him. It doesn't make sense to quit a job and have no income going into the house.

Have you seen your GP about taking anti-depressants? Or getting some counseling?

I mean this in the most sensitive way possible, but the only one your DP should be taking care of is the baby. You need to be able to take care of yourself, with his support obviously.

I agree with your DH. It's not very sensible to use savings in this way.
You need to speak to your doctor if you feel this way. Your DH won't be able to help with that.

I'm with your DH as well.

The problem with your DH quitting early is that you'll get used to him being there, and you'll find it impossible to go back to work.

That's without the finance concerns. You might have enough savings for a few months, but what if you can't cope with going to work? It'll be a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Or if you can't leave your DD?

One of you needs to be working, so ideally you need to find a different way to cope. I do appreciate how difficult that is, but talking from experience, using him as a crutch is setting yourself up for disaster.

It's not something I would use the savings on either sorry. You could return early and asked for a phased return.

What happens if you decide you are not up to working after he has quit?

You're not stupid or selfish at all, but you may be being a tad unreasonable. I, personally, wouldn't want to use savings in this way either - once they're gone, they are gone and you will take a very long time to build up a buffer again when only one of you is working.

Sorry, I know it seems like a great solution, but it's only really a short term fix.

Is there any compromise of him reducing his hours?

It depends how much your being paid whilst on maternity really. I agree with your dh that the thought of no money coming in is a fairly terrifying prospect even if you have savings.

Have you spoke to your hv or gp about how you've been feeling? In reality you need to try your best to get sorted out as much as possible before you go back to work. Your life has changed so don't presume you'll just slip back into it without it exacerbating how you're feeling now.

I think if I was your dh I'd be tactfully planning for you not feeling up to going back when you're planning to.

Also (and this is only my very unprofessional opinion so disregard if you want to) sometimes, with anxiety or depressive feelings, you can't give in to it too much because it's such a hard slog to get back up again. I'm not saying that you don't need any support, but that you will probably benefit more from not wishing for a reality that just isn't sustainable.

Thank you all for your thoughts. It's really good to get other opinions on it - sometimes once I get into a frame of mind I can't see any other POV.

You're right - I do think that it's been harder now that he's gone back to work after he'd been off. It's just that it's like having an ideal situation and have it being taken away, and I'm struggling to adjust. But I see how having him off earlier might just make it worse later on still.

I am on medication and will discuss with him about a phased return/him having less hours. Thank you all for your advice.