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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a thank you?!

48 replies

itsnormalforbridgwater · 12/08/2014 15:43

Sent an old friend a bouquet of flowers to hospital when she gave birth to her first baby. Heard nothing so two weeks later I text her to ask her if she had got them, thinking that they might have gotten lost and i got a response saying "Yes we did, they were the first of many"

AIBU to have appreciated a thank you or at least acknowledgement?!

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 12/08/2014 16:41

wow. fucking rude. i probably wouldn't bother any more.

LePetitPont · 12/08/2014 16:46

Not immediately thanking you for the flowers = not unreasonable on her part.

Replying to your text with no word of a thank you = not cool. If she went to the bother of texting back, "and they were lovely, thank you" would be the obvious response. Odd.

ADHDNoodles · 12/08/2014 16:47

But playing devil's advocate, perhaps she had been nagged by MIL to write thank you notes, her baby has horrendous colic and she read your text as "Why haven't you acknowledged my flowers?!"

Yes, it could be that she interpreted your text as "Why haven't you thanked me yet?" and decided not to play the game.

Did you ask how she was doing before asking about the flowers? Or was it just two weeks out of the blue "Did you get my flowers"?

clam · 12/08/2014 16:56

If someone had to prompt me for an acknowledgement for something they'd kindly sent, I'd be mortified with embarrassment, new baby or not. I'd reply straight back, not just with a profuse thank you, but also an apology.
What the hell happened to good manners?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2014 16:59

Good manners is giving for giving's sake not for thanks. The flowers should have been sent to make the new mother feel good, not to guilt her into feeling bad about being too busy with a new baby to reply.

Original poster

itsnormalforbridgwater · 12/08/2014 17:01

Meh Its 3 months later and its only since I have been on maternity leave and seen her out and about on Facebook doing selfie pictures with the baby that I really thought anymore about it. I invited her to lunch a while ago and she didn't respond so I thought i would hang back a bit.

Not sure what PA friends are but I get the gist. As i said, the friendship has been very one sided for quite a while, I always seems of make loads of effort with this girl in particular and just brushed it off in the past but perhaps when I have tried to be kind its just been exhausting to her. Never mind!.

OP posts:

maudpringles · 12/08/2014 17:02

YAB a little bit U about the timescale for thanks but her reply was very rude.
I would leave the ball in her court regarding the next communication.
P.S
Love the n.n
Many of my friends are too!!

OneSkinnyChip · 12/08/2014 17:06

She was inexcusably rude. Sending nothing at all would have been more polite than sending the reply. IMO. I think she's made her feelings pretty clear so don't bother with her anymore.

And FWIW I loved the flowers I got after DC :)

Icelollycraving · 12/08/2014 17:14

She was rude. The not saying thanks I'd completely let go but her text was rude.

poguemahon · 12/08/2014 17:36

She sounds to me like she's phasing you out tbh.

YEs it was rude.

clam · 12/08/2014 17:36

"Good manners is giving for giving's sake, not for receiving thanks."

Er no, good manners are about much more than that. Although I'd agree that one shouldn't give to receive. Doesn't mean that the OP's 'friend' wasn't appallingly rude, not just in neglecting to acknowledge the flowers, but in her subsequent reply.

I'd drop her, in the light of what else the OP has said about her attitude in general.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/08/2014 17:38

That was a very rude response regardless of whether she's knackered etc.

Let the friendship slide based on what you've said.

ceres · 12/08/2014 18:14

"Get over yourself, she has just had a baby!"

and? lots of people manage to have babies without losing their manners.

MrsBoldon · 12/08/2014 18:57

I don't think you should give to receive thanks but it is polite.

No-ones expecting thank-you notes but with texts and FB it takes seconds to say thanks. Even if you received so many flowers etc that you send the same thank-you message to dozens of people it doesn't take long.

But I wouldn't be upset or posting a thread on here about it if I didn't receive a thank-you. Yes, it's good manners but I wouldn't be bothered by it (Shrugs).

User100 · 12/08/2014 19:05

YABU She's just had a new baby, I'd rather not have got the flowers if it had meant an extra job to send a text saying thanks when I had a newborn. Not saying thanks when she did text was a little more odd but perhaps she was irritate by being chased for a thank you (which is all "did you get..." is) when she had a newborn.

OnlyLovers · 12/08/2014 19:21

It would have been less rude if she just hadn't acknowledged them, IMO, than to say (effectively) 'Yes but we've had loads'.

Yes, I know texting to say 'did you get ...?' comes across basically as fishing for a thankyou, but a) it sometimes isn't –I've done it before, cringing slightly, when genuinely worried that something might not have turned up and b) if she had time to respond, she had time to say 'Yes, thank you, sorry, I'm sooooo snowed under with new baby!', which is the kind of response I've always received from friends to those slightly awkward 'fishing' texts.

Itsfab · 12/08/2014 19:31

Initially I didn't think the reply was rude. I thought it was more letting the sender know her flowers had arrived first but having thought some more it feels like she is dismissing them as not important as she got so many other bouquets and just doesn't have the manners to say thank you.

I would back off and see if she calls. Be prepared for her not doing so.

TheFairyCaravan · 12/08/2014 19:34

She was rude!

How long does it take to send a text, or add "thank you" to the one she did send?

clam · 12/08/2014 21:35

I just don't accept that having had a baby means you can't say thank you. Surely it is, or ought to be, second nature? And it's much quicker and easier to do these days with texts/email/FB than when I had mine, when letters had to be written, stamps bought, addresses found and so forth.

But, judging by the number of people on here who are saying YABU, maybe I'm just an old gimmer who's out-of-date.

Original poster

itsnormalforbridgwater · 12/08/2014 23:19

She hasn't called almost 3 months later. But she did text my DH asking him to drop in and sign her passport photo- DH said no as he hasn't known her long enough and he wasn't about to detour after a 24 hour shift anyway but nothing since then. Oh well, not having such a flakey friend is a relief tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsnormalforbridgwater · 12/08/2014 23:21

And I did genuinely want to know if she got them. My sisters flowers (not from me) went walkabouts in the same hospital when she was there having a baby.

OP posts:

mumminio · 12/08/2014 23:42

She probably meant to say "they were the first of many which were sent to the hospital, and we had to cart back home with us, to watch them die as I struggle to walk/sleep/wipe tar poo from my newborn "

Definitely not a practical gift, but that's not the point. She was rude not to say thank you. I'd give her a few months to get over the hormonal ups and downs and if she's still being catty, give her a wide berth.

mumminio · 12/08/2014 23:45

PS I said thank you for flowers I received at home in week 2. I sent an email, which is quick and easy if you have a phone or tablet. Hand written cards are much harder (I couldn't bend down to get to our stationery which was in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet). Wow...I'd forgotten how much of a sorry state I was in postpartum haha!

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