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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell them to stick their invitation up their...

26 replies

pingufan · 12/08/2014 12:40

Back story to all this.

DH sister has always looked down her nose at us - they are well off (their own business) and they have brought their DC's to be spoiled brats. Life has always been good to them.

Then MIL became ill with Alzheimers and life started getting difficult for us all - we pitched in to help as much as we could around our small DC's and SIL did her bit too to be fair - sorting out the finances etc. SIL's kids were much older at the time - but kept their distance from MIL as she 'freaked them out'

MIL was never very close to SIL and her kids because of their 'stuck upness' preferrring to be closer to my kids and us as we are more down to earth. SIL was always very jealous of this and this resentment has obviously now festered as they are all extremely distant with us now and I suspect they feel hard done by doing things for MIL. (She is also very bitter about the loss of inheritance as care home fees are being paid). We only hear from them now if they tell us something about MIL (who is now in a home).

Anyway this week we have had an invitation to Nieces wedding but only in the evening - not in the day at all. We found out that they had got engaged via Facebook, also found out she was pregnant Via FB (we did send cards and gifts to baby so have tried to keep the contact going).

DH is hurt by this evening only invite - I'm thinking practically and glad we don't have to bother with outfits. It wouldnt bother me if we declined but in the interests of trying to avoid bad feeling maybe we should go - WWYD?

OP posts:

PandaFeet · 12/08/2014 12:44

we did send cards and gifts to baby so have tried to keep the contact going).

How did you "send" them? Did you go round or just post?

I think that you should go to the wedding, and actually I think your perception of their stuck upness probably comes across to them as you are the one who is stuck up. None of what you have said sounds like any reason not to attend.

FlossyMoo · 12/08/2014 12:44

If you have any nice feelings for your niece then I would go.

If she is very much like her mum then decline.

Personally I find the day part of weddings very boring. Lots of ceremony, waiting around for ages for photographs to be taken and the whole speeches malarkey. Evening do's are more relaxed, more fun and you can just enjoy it while also congratulating the B & G.

I felt this way about my own wedding too

Original poster

pingufan · 12/08/2014 12:48

We physically took gifts and card around when the baby was born and for Xmas etc. The whole family is very, very cool with us - I find it strange as I'm close to my brother. Both neices are as bad - like TOWIE wannabees and look down on everyone including us.

OP posts:

Charlie97 · 12/08/2014 12:49

Having recently been through the same sort of thing, I convinced DH to attend the evening celebrations.

Dreadful, not made to feel welcome, obviously we were part of a very small minority of evening only guests. Not made to feel welcome and very obviously not part of the "family celebrations".

Never got a thank you for the gift.

Wish, we had just gracefully declined!

PandaFeet · 12/08/2014 12:51

But you are looking down on them right back so I'm not sure what the issue is. You all have different lifestyles, accept it and move on.

If you think you will be made to feel unwelcome then don't go, just politely decline.

Only1scoop · 12/08/2014 12:53

It sounds like a mutual dislike to be honest and referring to dn as 'towie Wanabee' makes me think its probably best to politely decline.

They have asked you out of obligation.

You would attend out of obligation.

Feel a bit sorry for your Dh....it's his brothers daughter I am guessing.

Tinkerball · 12/08/2014 12:54

If your nieces are like their Mum and by the sounds of it they are, then I wouldn't go personally.

Tinkerball · 12/08/2014 12:55

Although a polite "with regret" card would do better than telling them where to stick the invitation!

RonaldMcDonald · 12/08/2014 12:56

If I was your DH I'd probably go to see my sister and ask what was going on
I'd explain that I was a bit hurt by the ways things have happened and I'd let her explain

I wouldn't not go or not express my feelings on the matter

PurplePidjin · 12/08/2014 12:58

There's thread after thread on this forum about how a grandparent favours one set of grandchildren over the other. I think your SIL could have written one of those threads, because it sounds like from her POV you're the "Golden Family" and whatever she did she couldn't be good enough in your mum's eyes.

I would go to the evening do with good grace, and wish your niece well.

jay55 · 12/08/2014 13:00

Is the ceremony a big do? If it's just registry office they might be limited on space.

I'd go to the evening and wish them well, presumably you want to keep at least some relationship going, especially with your great niece/nephew.

BackforGood · 12/08/2014 13:06

Agree with others about your attitude to them being not very nice.
Why can't you accept that you both have different lifestyles / ways of being, and just get along as relatives, without necessarily being close friends. I don't see why you have this bee in your bonnet about them looking down on you, when clearly from your remarks, you don't have a very high opinion of them.
I don't think I'd go to the wedding of anyone I don't like, but I just can't imagine not liking my nieces.
As to 'being invited just to the evening' goes, I guess that depends on what the set up / arrangements are for everyone - it might be they are having something very quiet / small for the ceremony then just one party for everyone in the evening.

I'd just let your dh sort it out with your SiL and then go with the flow.

diddl · 12/08/2014 13:12

Do you think that SIL might be jealous that your kids were preferred by her mum?

You aren't close, so why would you be invited to more than the evening reception?

Nancy66 · 12/08/2014 13:14

you don't like her though so why would you want to go?

ShoeWhore · 12/08/2014 13:17

You seem quite judgmental about your SIL and her family, OP. I'm not a big fan of inverted snobbery, tbh and reading your posts I actually feel a bit sorry for your SIL.

Purple and BackforGood make very good points.

Original poster

pingufan · 12/08/2014 13:19

SIL is DH's sister

Trouble is there is so much back story to the whole thing - for years now the relationship has become more & more strained but we really don't know what we are supposed to have done.

DH is disinterested in getting to the bottom of why they have become so cool toward us all. We were all FB friends yet we got deleted by them and nieces, not before we put up with 6 months of sarky comments and innuendo on there. I have had them pretend not to see me in shops etc its ridiculous!

I do know that SIL said she felt left out when MIL was well as she spent a lot of time with us and our children but thats not our fault - she now feels very resentful of having to do things for MIL now she's ill but thats not our fault either.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 12/08/2014 13:23

Is the care of your mil split equally between your husband and your sister in law. I know she's in a care home but the visiting, the responsibility for getting bits and pieces, sorting out finances, is there a visiting schedule etc?

JellyDiamond · 12/08/2014 13:30

Something similar has happened over time in my family. My dad's sisters have suddenly become very cool towards us, my dad's brother and his family. Sometimes they've even been blatantly rude to our faces. None of us know what we've done to deserve it, it's baffling, but they sound very much like your SIL. They are massive snobs who've forgotten where they came from (a council estate) and I know my dad feels that they look down on us and think they are superior in some way, but there's never been any kind of fall out. It's almost like they decided one day to distance themselves from us and only speak to us when they have to!

It's really strange.

ZenGardener · 12/08/2014 13:31

Oh, well I would just politely decline. As pp said send a card declining and wish them the best. No need to give an excuse. Send them a nice gift/money and don't worry about it. Why put yourself through an awful evening?

Original poster

pingufan · 12/08/2014 13:33

We take it in turns to visit yes, SIL takes care of the finances and sorted out the POA etc - not without many offers of help from us though. When she was at home we helped practically as much as we could DH went there every single day - we fed her, sorted her meals for other times, washed her clothes, took her out - did as much as we could whilst having two small DC's ourselves & working full time.

Strangely the relationship between us improved (she was far less icy) when she wanted our approval to put MIL in a care home and when she wanted us there to sort the house out - since MIL went in the CH though its as though she's done her best to cut us out altogther.

OP posts:

DeadSirius · 12/08/2014 13:33

Your writing and attitude toward them makes it unsurprising they seem cool toward you. I have a feeling SIL could never do anything right in your eyes.

Exactly what have they done wrong besides doing well in life?

Original poster

pingufan · 12/08/2014 13:46

They were cool and rude to us way before I started to form an opinion about them. I could write so many examples of how they have slighted us over the years.

Silly little things - They would send offensive Christmas cards (meant to be a joke but we could see the nastiness behind it), The FB conversations between nieces and SIL being bitchy but not quite naming who they were talking about (but obviously being us), I could go on & on with lots of examples. Gifts given to the girls that would appear on eBay within the week etc, sneering at our choice of holiday destination etc.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 12/08/2014 13:47

It doesn't sound like you like your niece very much anyway, so I think an evening invite it probably reasonable seeing as you aren't close.

cerealqueen · 12/08/2014 13:51

I am now taking the view that is not worth the while to be peeved about invites/ lack of invites from people you don't really like that much, and vice versa.

FragileBrittleStar · 12/08/2014 15:25

I don't really like the idea of evening/day invites for weddings I find it a bit a list b list- that said there can be valid reasons. Putting that aside though, it doesn't seem that bad to me. You are not close to the niece- i am assuming you didn't see her during her preganncy/post birth? why should you be invited to something special for her.
I don't think being an aunt/uncle should guarantee you an invite-I've a large family and I know when my siblings got married they didn't invite all aunts/uncles and I know my mother hasn't gone to her nieces and nephews weddings.
As for your relationship with your SIL - you seem really judgemental TBH and jealous "Life has always been good to them"

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