I have two dc who are 8 and 5. A very good friend of mine is currently on mat leave with a 3yo and a baby. My dc have known her ds (the 3yo) since he was born and are very fond of him, they usually play well together despite the age gap.
My friend has always had quite a different style of parenting to me, more gentle and involving more negotiating - I don't scream and shout (mostly!) but am definitely firmer. This hasn't really been a problem until recently. Her ds is really starting to assert himself and is becoming quite difficult for my dc to play with. He can be a lovely little boy but likes everyone to do what he wants. He changes his mind a lot about what they should be doing and who should be playing with him, literally pushes my 8yo around / out of the game, won't share out whatever they are playing with etc. My friend does occasionally tell him off but seems to think they should mainly put up with it, especially the 8yo as he is so much older.
The reason I feel bad about this is that I know my friend is struggling at home with both dc and is finding her ds difficult to manage. She struggles to get him dressed and out in the morning, he runs away constantly when out. If she rings to ask to come round, and we are out at the playground or something, she doesn't come and join us because her ds wants to see my dc but only in their house, or at his house, or whatever he has decided. She is a good friend and has helped me out massively in the past and I would really like to help her now, but not by being at the beck and call of a 3yo who bosses my dc around! Every time I say no to a specific request to meet up I feel awful (if we have nothing else on we often do do what she has suggested). I don't know how to make suggestions about how to handle her ds without it sounding like a criticism of her parenting. What can I do?