To be worried about my best friend's relationship?

[Glastogirl]

She has been my best friend for 15 years and I really hope this doesn't come across as interfering as I'm not trying to interfere and would never say anything to her as I know she wouldn't appreciate it.

This is more my personal concerns and wondering if there is anything I can do and if I am being unreasonable to be worried.

She has just recently got together with someone who has loved her since he set eyes on her a few years ago (his words as expressed in a 10 page letter!). He tried to get with her a number of times but she always was a bit creeped out by the way he would comment on new clothes etc every time he saw her and noticed everything. They tried dating last year but she said didn't have any Romantic attraction towards him and cut it off before it got anywhere.

She's recently read a book from her church which apparently talks about relationships and she has said that the book says there is no such thing as Fairytale romance or 'the one' and you may not be attracted to your husband romantically but as long as you're glorifying God as a couple then that's all that matters. I have nothing against religion and this is not a religion bashing thread (I am a Christian myself).

She is now giving it another go with him as she feels this is the man God wants her to be with. I am worried that she's doing something she's not enjoying and doesn't want to be with him because he has a great personality etc, it's because she feels she should. Since she started dating him again, she's said she doesn't fancy him and doesn't enjoy kissing him (she gets incredibly anxious before a date and often texts me worried saying she feels sick etc). He wants to marry her but she's said not yet (although she's admitted to me that she does plan to marry him one day).

AIBU to wish she would just do what makes her happy rather than tolerating someone she worries about spending time with, doesn't enjoy kissing or cuddling and doesn't fancy! I also worry that once they're married she'll be expected to engage in sex etc (she wouldn't before marriage) and will be stuck with him!

Is there anything I can do or should I just but out?

Unfortunately when it comes to shitty relationships, the people in them don't want to listen to reason.

The best thing you can do is be there for her.

Well if you don't want to shag for england at the start of a relationship it doesn't bode well for the next 25 years.

The 10 page letter would have me running for the hills to be honest.

Why is she so eager to settle down?

Yanbu op.

Well, as she seems more intent on listening to her imaginary friend than her flesh and blood friend, I'd say butt out and leave her to it. You never know, it might work out. He might love and cherish her to the end of her days, and there's not much downside to that .

I would gently question her about whether God would really want her to marry a person she wasn't attracted to and didn't want to honour with her body etc. In other words, I would talk to her in language she understands. I would say something, even if it doesn't go down that well, it might plant a seed of doubt in her mind, hopefully.

How old is she? Does she have low self-esteem and feel she will never find another man?

YANBU though.

If she won't listen to you then maybe talk to her church leader, or try and convince her to. Sounds like she wants her religion to make her choices for her, so maybe they can help her make healthier choices.

Why does she feel like this is the man God wants her to be with? Because he writes her weird letters and creeps her out?

Putting the religious part totally aside, at least being happy in someone's company is surely a requirement if you are planning to commit to someone for life! If I were you I would say something like that

I think this is a lesson she needs to work out for herself. It's sad that people undermine their gut feelings and decide God wants this or that based on other people's ideas and thought patterns, rather than listening to that still, small voice within. (I'm no longer a Christian but when I was this is what I was taught to identify as the voice of God...I now would sum it up as "gut instinct, or conscience" and it's a pretty decent compass in life to follow.

I would point out though that the concept of growing to love someone works very well in many arranged marriages through many cultures... It's not that uncommon.

That said, the guy is so full on that he is turning her off... It's probably him that needs more advice right now. She'll learn whatever lesson she learns, it may work, may not, allow her to be a big girl and prepare to hold her hand if it goes tits up?

I think you are right to be worried OP. Alas, there might be very little you can do. I would suggest making a few gentle remarks sometimes about the wisdom of not getting married where one has any doubts about being happy with someone. And yes, maybe confiding in other people like church leaders might help

As a Christian myself, I think you should have a gentle chat to her and explain your concerns. Better to say something now (even if she doesn't take it well) than after they get married.

I don't know what book she read, but there are a lot of dodgy Christian relationship books out there that have no relation to what the bible teaches, and are more about the authors personal opinion or experience. She should be able to love and respect her husband, and she should be physically attracted to him! DH and I waited till we got married to have sex, but we kissed a lot beforehand and loved it. God wants her to be happy and fulfilled in her relationship, not miserable and settling for something less that God's best.

I know people might slate me for airing Christian beliefs, I don't care, we have freedom of beliefs in this country, long may it last.

0/10 Sarah.

Of good wants this why is he making her so anxious about it. Surely the anxiety is good way of adding this is wrong

If God, not of good.

This is mainly an example of the harm religious bullshit does because it is fundamentally misogynist. Your friend has absorbed the revolting superstious nonsense that she is somehow obliged to accept male ownership, because men are more important than women and if this creepy loser wants her, he's entitled to have her, because she's really only a domestic animal.

Sadly I don't think there's a lot you can currently do to help her - what she needs is a good dose of feminist atheism.

not wishing to start a 'conversation' but..... you are wrong. You care too much for her just to be a friend; you obviously have deeper feelings for her so why not just tell her, snog her face off and show her what real passion is all about. I would.
BTW; She will know you don't approve of him. How do you know she doesn't really like him? Has she told you this? Think about why she would tell you this and then go pucker up.

I'm assuming you're joking
Sarah121 .

at Sarah that's some clairvoyance you've got there.
I think you can blunt OP- she's being very honest with you saying how she feels on the way to dates. Tell her a relationship with him would be far from glorifying God- it would be a farce.

I am also very religious (Catholic) and have done the same as you as in trying to live their lives for them out of a sense of caring/love. I did pucker up though and had the most glorious sexual relationship. I've never looked back

Yanbu to be concerned op. Can you have a gentle but honest conversation with your friend?

Sarah you are a loon. HTH

I think you need to point out that if she doesn't enjoy kidding him NOW, what's it going to be like in 40 years when he's wrinkly and got nasal hairs poking her top lip??!!!
My advice? The man you marry will make your heart sing and your pants tingle, and if God wants the best for you, then you'd want to kiss your new boyfriend A LOT!!!!

Kissing.....KISSING!!!!