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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think waiting a few years to live together isn't a bad thing?

19 replies

bezinee · 11/08/2014 19:39

Met up with some friends yesterday for lunch - ended up talking relationships, and I mentioned that my 'man' (not sure what to call him, as am too old for a boyfriend and he's not quite at DP status yet I think!) and I had been talking about the future. In summary, he and I were saying how we see ourselves living together eventually but not for probably 5-6 years, and that getting married (IF we decide to - and it is a big if, cos it's not a massive deal for me - other than that I'd like to wear a pretty dress and have a big party! and he's not sure after his first marriage broke up if he'd do it again) wouldn't be something to consider before we'd lived together.

Friends were like this Shock Basically they think at worst he is stringing me along, and at best can't see why I'd want to wait to get married until my mid-late 40s (am 40 now), and that at our age we should move faster etc.

I really don't get the rush though? We both have DC and no plans for more, each have our own large homes, are financially independent. I love spending time with him but I'm not sure I'm ready to go from 2-3 nights a week to living with him any time soon, and he feels similarly. Just not sure I get why my friends are so concerned, am I missing something obvious?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 11/08/2014 20:02

Sounds like you've thought through what works for you. You may even change your minds. But that's your choice, not your friends! They would probably be right if you wanted to use the last ticks on the biological clock, but as it is? Perhaps they should remove their noses.

TwoHeadedDolphin · 11/08/2014 20:06

We met at 33 and moved in together at 38. A few people made comments about how long we'd taken, but not a fuck was given by either of us and we are (as we always have been) very committed to each other and very happy. No nasty surprises when we did move in, either, as we knew each other so well. Do whatever you want to do and good luck to you. :)

BlackWings · 11/08/2014 20:08

Not unreasonable at all. Very sensible imo. Living together is overrated. 2-3 nights a week sounds perfect.

Original poster
bezinee · 11/08/2014 20:35

We definitely don't want any more DC, ours are all sec school age or approaching it, the thought of going back to nappies and sleepless nights doesn't appeal :)

I think we will end up spending more and more time together, 2/3 nights is fine now but prob won't be quite enough in another few months - but despite that I do like having my own (rather chintzy) space, in the same way as he likes his house which is full of lots of boy's toys and gadgets etc!

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 11/08/2014 21:09

Sounds like you have a great relationship. The situation works for you, why would you want to rush.

Flipflops7 · 11/08/2014 21:19

Sounds great to me, and you both want it that way. Win-win.

Original poster
bezinee · 11/08/2014 22:03

Thanks! This makes me feel much better :)

OP posts:
Silverdaisy · 11/08/2014 22:13

Predicting 5/6 years is a bit strange for a move in date. It's sensible to not rush into things though.

I would rather laugh and say (to the friends) it's far to early to discuss moving in, we are happy as we are.

It's similar to people who say they are engaged and will get married in 6 yrs. this opens people up to having a view on your life and questioning the thought process.

Keep your cards close to your chest.

Frogisatwat · 11/08/2014 22:16

Whatever suits you OP! I am the same. My partner and I live apart (cue discussion on what you call your significant other from whom you reside apart)
We are both at different stages of life, he has grown up children, mine are still in school. We see each other.. sometimes 5 times a week, sometimes once. It works for us.

SignoraStronza · 11/08/2014 22:17

Sounds fine to me. Dh and I did the ldr thing for a couple of years, mainly through necessity than choice, but it did help us iron out any issues - we were engaged and planning a wedding for a while before finding a place together too, which was strange!

Silverdaisy · 11/08/2014 22:25

No it's not strange! Except obviously the OP's friends thought it was not right, which is the topic for this discussion. I would tell my friends most things, but I know them well and would preempt their responses. So in that case I would value their opinion good or bad.

If you don't want an opinion then don't mention anything on that subject.

Original poster
bezinee · 11/08/2014 22:47

I normally find I'm fairly in step with my friend's opinions on most things, this one took me a bit by surprise as I wasn't expecting such a strong reaction (possibly if we were younger/no kids but as we are....there's no hurry really, or at least that's how I see it).

It could be less than 5/6 years, but probably not, because we live about 30 miles apart, and with schools, work etc, it will probably be that long before practically we are able to live together, even if we did feel ready to do so before then (which tbh I'm not sure we will, if we can continue to spend as much time together asa we currently do, or more)

OP posts:
Silverdaisy · 11/08/2014 22:58

Just do what you guys are comfortable with. Don't worry about your friends opinion. They should probably learn to keep their instant reactions to themselves.

Delphiniumsblue · 12/08/2014 07:06

You both sound very sensible to me. I wouldn't jump into anything especially when you both have children and your independence.

CoffeeBucks · 12/08/2014 08:31

Sounds great. I met DP when I was 23 and we didn't move in together until I was 29. Various reasons - I was ready to buy a property before he was (deposit saved up, higher earner etc), he wanted to live near where he worked, but that wasn't very suitable for me, etc. it worked well because by the time we did move in together there were no surprises, we knew how we rubbed along together & that we were both capable of running a house, cleaning adequately etc.

A few people commented that it was strange, but we never cared :)

Mumof3xox · 12/08/2014 08:33

I think it's wise not to rush things, just see how it goes

mum9876 · 12/08/2014 09:51

I think you lose a bit of fun in the relationship when you move in together. You tend to go out less and it's just added stress to share finances, chores. You've no reason to rush into it. In fact I think you have some very good ones not to.

RiverTam · 12/08/2014 09:57

why not, if it works for you? Sounds very well thought out. I think some people do things 'because that's what you do, isn't it?' rather than for any good reason that's pertinent to their particular situation.

merrymouse · 12/08/2014 09:58

I was a bit confused until I saw that you already had children and were financially independent.

How is he stringing you along? You could carry on as you are indefinitely and I think you would be perfectly fine.

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