to refuse to move house - again...

[Oakmaiden]

The crux of the matter is this: We live in city A, and dh's office is relocating to city B. This will mean we either move to city B, or dh will have a 3 hour (1 1/2 hour each way) commute every day. Put quite simply - I don't want to move house, but I worry that this means I am committing him to a greatly extended working day, and that he will resent it.

Now for the longer version of the story, complete with several years worth pof back story (in the name of not drip feeding - please feel free to skip this bit if I am going on a bit!)

My husband was offered a job in City A following a redundancy and 2 years out of work. At that point I left my (not very well paid) job and the entire family moved to a town close to City A - this was a significant move to a different country, and so was a huge wrench for all of us. We were not in a position to buy a property, and so rented. During this time our 2 youngest children attended a school in City A, and I went to university there.

After 3 years (one year ago now) our landlord wanted to sell the house we lived in, and so we moved into City A. This has worked so well for the past year - we are close enough to dh's work that he can cycle in, we are just around the corner from the children's school, and our eldest has a place starting at the local 6th form in September. As for myself, I have over the past 4 years forged some links with the area - although I have yet to find a permanent job, I have been working as a supply teacher in the city for the past year and have build up a fairly secure network for myself, as well as several social ties. The street we have moved to has several children the same ages as my youngest two, and for the first time in their lives they are in the position of having children call to ask them over to play and vice versa. Middle child is looking forward to moving up to secondary next year, where she will be in the same school as the children she plays with at home. All in all, with the exception of my not having a permanent job, it is pretty perfect.

However, my husband's office are now moving to City B. We have to decide, in the next couple of weeks, whether to take the company's relocation package, or to suck up the commute. And I am worried that my reasons for not wanting to move (see above) are quite selfish when it isn't me who will be doing the commute. In honesty, the commute will make things more difficult for me too - dh will no longer be able to help out with any of the school runs, which in turn will reduce the areas I can accept work. Furthermore, I can forsee that the help I get in the house from him will reduce to pretty much nothing, because of his extended day and the children will see a lot less of him too. However, the alternative - us moving - would potentially make it easier for me to find a permanent post (there do seem to be more posts advertised in City B) but would hugely impact the children and, not to put it too finely, my social life, such as it is. Not to mention I love the house we are in a the moment (although it is rented) and I quite simply don't want to move.

Am I being unreasonable to just say "No, I don't want to", even though the negative impacts of my saying so affect him more than me?

Sorry this is so long!

I did a similar commute by train for several years, and I know several people that still do.

It's not great, but you do get used to it. The train is different from driving in that you can completely switch off/get on with some work, but it can be a nightmare if it's not a reliable service.

For me it would depend on if it was on a good train route with regular trains, and if I was likely to get a seat for the journey. If you are not having to pay train fares, then I think he should give it a go for a few months and see how he gets on. I wouldn't uproot my family for that commute, especially if it was by train!

No opportunities for your DH at all in city A? Not to turn his skills to a slightly different career? I appreciate that the company would pay for train travel, but in terms of hours away from home I would see the commute as comparable to a 20-25% pay cut. The alternatives may not be viable though.

Would the relocation package tie him into the job? Also, they are negotiable so you could request that the company pays for local accommodation in the week.

If you got a job in city B, could you commute and DH work part time?

I have done a 2.5 hour train commute in the past. Managed it for a few years but was single and child free. I read loads and it was out of rush hour so not too stressful. I've got more recent experience of long working hours and short commute, which was worse.

Instead of the relocation package would the company contribute towards him renting somewhere in city B?

My husband works away a fair bit and in a lot of ways it's easier than dealing with a long commute. He gets loads done while he's away then he can focus on the family when he's home.

I know you said the Monday to Friday stay away wasn't very affordable but might his company pay towards it if they were not paying the season ticket instead? Same money to them just going to a different place?

I really think he could commute/ part time rent to keep stability for the dc... Seems they have had a lot of upheaval, are at really important points in their lives and although not ideal, an hour and a half isnt prohibitive and I say that as a commuter myself. I think in this instance dc needs come first.

While I think your 'suck it and see' approach is good - be aware that often you can't move midway through A Levels as schools use different exam boards.

One of your worries was that you wouldn't have DH there to help with school pick ups etc. Both DH and I work full time (I have an 1 hour each way most days and DH is 1 1/2 hours minimum) so we have a cleaner who comes in a couple of times a week to clean and also picks up youngest DC who's still at primary.

Don't move! We moved house often when I was a child, due to my father's job. I was always 'the new girl' at school, it got to a point where I didn't even bother trying to make new friends anymore. I'm in my 30s now and there are still parts of my personality formed by all this moving. And I left education as soon as I could as I was so fed up with learning who and where everything was and just couldn't bloody face it all again.

What does your DH think? His commute is mostly on the train, which is much easier than driving.

The 15 mins either end of the train - is that walking? If so, a folding bike could come in handy to make journey faster.

Interesting that so many people are saying the commute sounds crippling , to be honest I would say that's a fairly average commute for the South East .I know many many people doing similar , at least on the train he can work , sleep , listen to music .

I absolutely would not move with your children about to start A levels especially with the AS complication .

Kids are pretty resilient. I had to move to a completely new area almost 5 years ago and my dd had to change high school part way into her GCSE course. She coped very well and did well in her exams, including the one she had to take on as another that she had been doing in her previous school was not covered in the new school. She then moved to a different high school to do her Highers (we're in Scotland). Again, she managed the move with few problems and the moving stood her in good stead for going to university, as she knew how to make new friends. this is always a tricky one, and i hope that you are able to find a compromise.

Outtolunch I agree it's not crippling if it's on a train with a regular service, reasonably direct, reliable, can get a seat etc. I do that time by car though and it is hard

My DH used to commute like this and we both hated it. I think you should negotiate- relocation is costly for companies. He could ask for folding bike on bike to work scheme and a day a week from home instead, or more flexible hours.

Would your DH's work be open to him working from home some days once they move? When one of my previous employers moved offices, they introduced some new policies to allow flexible working hours and the ability to work from home some days, to make it a bit easier on those who would end up with a longer commute.

It might be harder for your eldest to move after A'levels as sixth form college is a time when kids typically make good friends. If he were to move afterwards it might be harder for him. It wouldn't be as relevant if he is going to University though.

I think 15 hours commute a week is a lot. (650 hours a 'working' year ) My DH has often done similar amounts (plus lots of international travel ) and, if it's on top of already long days, then it's hard work. How long is your DHs typical work day?

My DH has got more fed up with it as he gets older. He finds it tiring.

Would your DH get a seat on the train? It makes a huge difference. We are at the end of a branch line so my DH always gets a seat.

We have moved around a lot with our kids and it's always worked out well but I don't agree that kids are always resilient. I have seen it effect some kids quite badly. My kids always knew we would be moving from time to time which helped. I think springing a move on kids might be more tricky.
I was always very positive about the moves although I always acknowledged the kids concerns. I never dismissed their opinions even though there was never an option not to move.

I was happy for my DH to do virtually no work at home. We made sure his time at home was spent doing things with the kids or relaxing. It sounds a bit 1950's but it worked for us. He still works considerably harder than I ever have. Even when the kids were babies I tried to make sure he didn't get up with them in the night.

The last person I was concerned about was myself because I always knew I would be fine. I've made really good friends where ever I have lived. It takes a while (I give myself a few years to make proper friends) but I get there in the end.

I think the main aspect is the fact that you may not get spaces for all 3 children, and even if, the schools might not be what you want.

Yes, to leave again just after you put down some roots is hard.

Commuting 1 hour on the train is not unusual for London. Dh has done a similar commute for 10 years now. But we live that far out because of schools and more house for our money.
I think you were very fortunate to have his job on the door step.

What does your dh think of the commute?

Hello OP. I have not read other responses, but we are about to make a conscious decision to relocate to out of London which will increase DH's commute to 1.5 hours by car one way (realistically could be over 2 hours). This is for better quality of life and we cannot afford to move to be near DH's job (most expensive SW London part). DH agreed (quite keenly I must add ) to rent a room Mon-Thu and work from home on Friday. Effectively he will be out Mon morning-Thu-evening. The truth is we don't see him much on the weekdays anyway, so I am feel comfortable with this arrangement.

I would not relocate if I were you. At least I would wait until DC finished the schools.

As someone whose dad used to relocate every few years I would advise talking as a family about how everyone feels. Hearing the kids feelings on this might help your dh see things from a new perspective.

Look into b&B's as often they will do great deals for mon - Fri bookings for business men, my dad did this for about 9 months and was a lot more cost effective than the travel.

Would driving rather than train be of any benefit?

I think your option of suck it and see for a few months would be a good one and then look at somewhere half way where the kids could commute to current schools if in midst of critical years

If your H is objecting to the commute and that's the only reason for moving, he needs to get over himself. 90 minutes on a train is totally bearable.
Also, it is generally unhealthy for the rest of you to be forever having to uproot because of his job. He's not the lord and master around whom the household revolves - the rest of you matter, as well, and 90 minutes a day is simply not a big enough deal to distress and inconvenience the rest of you yet again.

Sorry but that isn't that much of a commute really.
I live in the SE of England, if DH is working in London, unless he times it just right his commute is about that much. You DC are getting older, surely the older one can babysit the younger ones for a bit while you get home from work? They don't need that much looking after, just some attention when you are around.

I wouldn't move mine during GCSE or A'levels (unless they positively wanted to).

anyone that says commuting by train is easier than driving is mad, I did it for 6 years. the Delays, Lack of seats. the bugs people pass around on trains.

compared to listening to some nice music, it a warm car, alone... the Train is a crap way to travel.

territt i suspect it's a case of grass is always greener

i wouldn't swap my 90min drive for a train journey with no seat, crowded, delayed, lots of changes etc, but as i've said above, if it's reasonably direct, reliable, not too expensive (or same cost as car) and you can get a seat then i would jump at the chance

it's also a heck of a lot safer

honestly, five days a week, driving for three hours a day, it's not an easy option

I'm a mum of two and will be doing a similar commute full time when I go back to work after maternity leave. I still come in and make dinner put kids to bed. I don't think it's an unreasonable commute daily and know loads of people who do similar with young kids and partners doing the same.