WIBU to go straight to teacher and not mention to parent?

[vvviola]

Usual disclaimer: not in UK so terms and school system a bit different

DD1 has one "best friend". They have been joined at the hip since they started school on the same day 2 years ago (their birthdays are two days apart and you start school the Monday after your 5th birthday). They've always had an interesting friendship - more like sisters - quite a bit of petty sparring, but god forbid anyone should even hint anything bad against the other. They come out of class together and absolutely have to walk down the hill together, as though they haven't spent all day together. I've become quite good friends with the mum too.

Best friend has had an unsettled year as her adored grandmother died and she's taking it hard. Her little sister has recently started school, so that has unsettled her a bit. We're also moving away in 6 months time and both DD and the girl have been very upset when it gets mentioned. They were both also very upset when the girl was away for over a month around Easter for a family wedding and travel.

The problem is that the pettiness seems to have got worse - or DD1 has become over sensitive. Most days I collect her from school I get floods of tears and "Annie (obv not real name) was mean to me" or "Annie said she can't wait to the weekend to get away from me". Any time DD1 comes out of class without her homework book or drink bottle, the reason is "Annie hid it".

I'm not 100% sure that all of it is true. Sometimes may be DD1 being over sensitive, sometimes Annie is a convenient scapegoat for DD1 having misplaced something.

DD1 has told me that the teacher has said that they are old enough to sort out these problems by themselves, but DD is coming out of school 4 days out of 5 crying.

DH reckons I should talk to the Mum seeing as we are friends, but I think that could only lead to awkwardness and seeing as it is happening in school time I wonder if I should discuss it with the teacher, rather than letting it go on any longer.

I've always been hands off when it comes to DD's friendships and tried to suggest ways she could handle things herself, but WIBU to ask the teacher if she has noticed any problems and ask if she could step in?

(Gosh, sorry, that rambled on a lot!)

I would go back to school and ask for clarification in what is causing your dd to be crying every day.

I would always go to the teacher first, never the other parent.

Does the teacher know the background?

I'm pretty sure the teacher knows almost all the background. The girls were intentionally put in the same class when they moved up this year (there had been a group of about 8 friends that were split over 4 classes), and would know what has been going on with the girls bereavement etc. The only thing that she may not yet know, unless DD has mentioned it, is us moving away, as I've been trying to downplay it a bit while we focus on enjoying our last 6 months here.

I also forgot to mention that any suggestion I make about asking the teacher to sit DD1 and Annie apart is also met my tears and pleading not to do it. They were very disappointed at being placed on different tables at the start of the year, so there was much excitement when the teacher reshuffled the tables a few months ago and they we're put together.

Always go to the teacher. Never the parent. That NEVER ends well

Is your DD feeling unsettled due to your upcoming move perhaps? YY to talking to teacher though.

It sounds to me like "Annie" is acting out because she's upset about DD leaving - and maybe your DD is sensitive to Annie's actions as well for that reason.

I think you should talk to your DD about this, about the reasons Annie might be behaving this way, for one. I'm also going to go against the grain and say you should talk to the mom, not the teacher. By no means would you have to go in guns blazing and blaming Annie; just gently saying that the girls haven't been getting on well at school lately, talk about a few incidents, mention DD's been upset, and that you want to figure out how to make both girls feel better about the move and have a happier time together the last six months.

Never ever the parents. In all my years I have never seen friendship issues resolves well by parents

Lol at bof.

Yes, I suppose DD could be extra sensitive to the upcoming move. We are moving "home" and she's very excited about that, but she hasn't been there in 3 years and hasn't lived there since she was almost 2. So while she has many happy memories of extended holidays there and is very excited to be going back to love near her GPb (my parents) and "her" dog (my parents dog), she is also upset at having to leave here not helped by MIL telling her she's be selling all the toys when we leave, but that's a whole other story

LOL at BoF I will admit to be reluctant to spoil the friendship with Annie's mother too - I've found it hard to make friends here, and she's really lovely, so I'd hate to mess it up, especially if it's something that could be easily sorted by the teacher.

(Obviously meant BOOP, not BoF. It's been a long day and my reading comprehension is not the best)

It'll be down to the move.

You'd best prepare yourself because it really will be a big deal to the pair of them when it happens. And the teacher really needs to know because she could start involving other girls for Annie's sake so it cushions it all for her.

Teacher first, in detail. Maybe ask parent if she's noticed anything.

Oh God. It is all about the move isn't it?

I don't know why I assumed it would be obvious reactions to the move.

Oh hell.

Right. I'll try to talk to the teacher and maybe the Mum - bit so much about Annie's behaviour/DD's (over)reaction, but about the whole thing.

This is happening a lot earlier than I expected.

Interesting development today.

While we were chatting before pick-up, Annie's Mum mentioned that she thought they were having a bit of a falling out at the moment, but suggested that we stay out of it and let them sort it out themselves (two other Mums from our circle have fallen out badly recently over an issue with their DDs). I agreed completely - and we chatted a bit about how we were going to deal with the impending separation.

And when the girls came out they were all hugs and smiles and best buddies again.

It's very tiring all this friendship stuff

I'm still going to talk to the teacher, but more about the plans for the end of the year and asking her to keep an eye on things from that point of view.

Personally I'd talk to my dd, the teacher and Annie's mum. But I'd approach it from the point of view of managing the next six months rather from an accusatory point of view. So with dd talking about what might be going on, what she thinks she might be able to do differently etc. With the teacher checking in to see if there is anything that's going on in school and if so whether there are ways the teacher can help (we've generally found teachers really helpful with this sort of thing) and with Annie's mum just a chat about how she thinks the friendship is going, and whether there are ways to support both girls.

It sounds like the friendship is a bit too intense to me, and possibly it's a good thing that they are going their separate ways fairly soon. My dd's school also split classes and often friendship groups every year and it can lead to some odd dynamics as larger groups are split up and new friendships not always formed. I'd be asking the teacher if she can encourage both girls to spread their wings a little in class.

Oops. Don't know how I missed your last post OP!