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Original poster

To be feeling sad, angry and guilty

13 replies

Sparklypants · 10/08/2014 22:21

That another birthday or special occasion has gone by in which my DS (3) hasn't heard from his father.

I feel so sad for my DS, and even though he doesn't know any different at the moment, he will and soon. He's starting pre school in sept and then 'proper' school in a year. I hate the fact that my beautiful, bright and funny boy has this hurt, confusion and disappointment in his near future, and I can't do a thing about it!

I don't think I will ever get my head around how someone can so completely move on and forget their child. I would (and have) sacrifice absolutely everything for my dc.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 10/08/2014 22:26

There's every possibility that this will hurt you more than it hurts your ds, even when he's old enough to realise. That's the way it works.

It's shit feeling your children's hurt over anything, but you clearly love your child dearly, and because of that, he will be fine.

JumpRope · 10/08/2014 22:26
Flowers
campingfilth · 10/08/2014 22:30

Mine gets a card saying how much he loves him blah blah blah but hasn't seen him since October 2012 after telling him he will see him and have a 3rd birthday party for him....he told me 4 days before hand he didn't want to see him again. The last card I had to pay the postage on. Like you I can't get my head around it however, I do know that at some point its going to bite him in the ass.

Its shit and I don't think you do get over it but I think your DS will be totally fine.

harverina · 10/08/2014 22:30

I agree with woo that it will probably hurt you more than your ds - as a child I was brought up by my mum and didn't ever hear from my father. It didn't effect me at all as I knew no different. It wasn't mentioned. Your ds won't know any different unless you talk about it.

campingfilth · 10/08/2014 22:31

PS kids with 2 parents together still get screwed up over something.

magoria · 10/08/2014 22:34

I don't remember getting card/presents from my real father for very many years.

It never even crossed my mind or bothered me.

If you don't make an issue of it then your son may never be hurt.

Original poster
Sparklypants · 10/08/2014 22:34

WooWooOwl, you're possibly right about it hurting me more than my DS, it's just so hard seeing all the doting father out there and realising that I picked one of the most worthless men to be the father of my child.

Most days I just get on with it, I don't have much choice, but this evening I could cry, I feel so bad for him.

Thanks JumpRope Smile

OP posts:
Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 10/08/2014 22:39

What. Grade A twat wanking bastard.

Op your ds has you and I bet you more than make up for him.

You never know you may yet meet a much better partner who will adore you and your ds.

Flowers
Original poster
Sparklypants · 10/08/2014 22:52

Camping, that's really shit! And I really hope you're right about it biting them in the ass one day.

Harverina and Magoria, thanks for your comments and I hope that my DS feels the same as you and isn't bothered by the lack of a father.

Thebodyloves, yep, your assessment of ex is indeed correct. This is the man (using that word with tongue firmly in cheek) that walked out just 1 week after DS was seriously ill and we nearly lost him, DS was only 4 weeks old.

It's not so much that I wish DS' actual father was around and involved with him, it's more the abstract idea of a father, if you get what I mean...

OP posts:
campingfilth · 11/08/2014 00:18

I do really believe it hurts us more than the kids, the kids then pick up on this. We're grown ups (apparently!!) we've already gone through shit our children haven't so to them its normal to not have these fucking useless, selfish wankers in their lives. As mothers we are moved by emotions where our children are concerned but children live in the moment. Give your children self esteem and they won't give a shit or see their sperm donors for what they are.

madasa · 11/08/2014 07:36

My walking sperm donor left to live abroad when my dd was 3 years old. He supported her financially but apart from that was an extremely poor excuse for a father (think not even bothering to call to see how she was after a week in hospital on a drip aged 6)

I have never been able to understand how he could do this, and when I stopped trying to understand it was like a weight lifted.

It hurt me badly and I shed many tears. My dd is now 23, she says she had the best childhood ever and she is quietly confident.

She is completely ambivalent about her father.

You sound lovely, your little boy will be fine he really will Flowers

Renniehorta · 11/08/2014 08:21

I agree he will probably be effected by this less than you think. You don't miss what you never had (or cannot remember having).

My ds grew up largely ignored by his father. No presents or cards or interest shown. When their paths crossed in my ds's mid teens they found that they could not stand each other. My ds has no time for his father which seems fair since he had no time for ds. Even when my ds got married last year his father made no contact. He was fully aware.

I used to worry that my ds grew up without a male role model. But then what kind of a role model would his father have been? He was far better off without one. I think that my ds will make a great dad.

So in your shoes I would really not worry about your ds. He will be fine with a great mum. He will be much better off without contact with a poor excuse for a dad.

Original poster
Sparklypants · 11/08/2014 20:24

Thank you everyone Smile

I'm much better today. I had a wobbly night last night but I realise without a shadow of a doubt the my DS is much better off without his f in his life.

Thanks for you all!

OP posts:
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